Hi Pumpkin Pie, Welcome to the parenting forum. Has anything brought you along?  I'm mum to a 17 year old boy and a 15 year old girl. I've been coming here since we went into lockdown last year and I lost contact with a lot of my friends and parents of my kids' friends etc. Wanted to connect with other parents.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi I'm Trying, You raised some interesting points here, which I've never considered or heard mentioned by my friends with blended families. I'm not sure if any of them have much left over at the end of the day, and a number of the dads don't contribute any child support, and there are custody arrangements that are messy and children refusing to see one parent. So, it seems like you have a much better situation. I personally wouldn't expect a step-parent to contribute to the financial upkeep of a child, especially if the other parent is contributing. However, to give is another story. Siblings are inclined to compare what each other is getting but different children have different requirements in any family and a onesize fits all doesn't necessarily work.  I also just wondered whether the children should know how much is going into these accounts or whether it's done behind the scenes and they find out later.  Anyway, that's just a few ideas and I'll be interested to hear what others have to say. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Evelyn, So sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter, and I know first hand how frustrating that is. I have a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter. My son is on the NDIS and has had OT and psychology and I've been involved with the school. His OT also has teenage kids and works with kids in this age bracket. I was very frustrated with trying to get him there, but he reminded me of how hard school can be for some kids, and you mentioned that your daughter has no friends. If that wasn't just a turn of phrase, that's a really hard spot for a teenager and looking at ways of helping her make friends could help. There are quite a few programs around being a friend and improving social skills. Both my kids have been in scouts, and maybe picking up a sport, craft some kind of hobby and making friends there would help. My son has really benefitted from scouts and our church youth group, while our daughter has her dance friends and was in scouts when she was younger.  Is your daughter close to your six year old?  Maybe some family board games like Monopoly or playing Uno at home might help. You learn a bit bit of social interaction there.  Also the school library is a place where many kids who don't have a lot of friends can go at lunchtime at school.  Meanwhile, it sounds like you have very little time to look out for yourself, but I do encourage you to get a breather...even a cup of tea.  Take care & best wishes, Birdwings   ... View more

Dear PIxiemom 13, Welcome to the parents' forum. I have a 17 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. However, I'm going to base my response on my own experience as a teen, who used to get very obsessed and probably more so in the lead up to a relationship or potential relationship, but wasn't good at letting go either. I used to almost research them and go into fine detail and go over things they'd said to try to work out whether they were interested or not. I see a lot of circular thinking there. I used to write poetry about them, and much of it was pretty bleak. Fast-forwarding, these personality traits were part of a bigger picture. I am a history researcher/writer and that requires very detailed analysis. I am very loyal as a customer. I do not change. I've lived in the same house for 20 years and we've never changed our mortgage, and my kids have some friends who they have known all their lives.  In terms of dealing with breakups, each of my kids have had a breakup and they weren't too traumatic. However, my daughter's ex-boyfriend announced he had a new girlfriend on social media two days after they broke up and that was hard. I noticed that she was following the new girlfriend and still the ex-boyfriend on Instagram, and I did speak to her and advise against it. Her friends also jumped on the new girlfriend's intstagram and they were all blocked.  I drive my daughter and her friends around a bit and pick up on chat in the car directly and indirectly. One of her friends has painful and fairly frequent breakups, and I do have concerns about her, and give her the opportunity to talk, but she doesn't.  The only other thing I wanted to share is something I picked up from my son's friends. One of their mate's girlfriend apparently two-timed their mate, and this girl was completely cut off. They refused to go to McDonalds for example if she was working there. They were so fired up and it really concerned me. I keep up with the teachers at the school and I let them know. I wondered how that reaction was affecting the girl concerned.  Getting back to the obsessive thinking, I'd encourage her to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. This is another way of saying "there are plenty more fish in the sea", which Dad used to tell me and it drove me crazy. I didn't care about all those other fish. I only wanted one fish. That's an issue I noticed with my own outlook. I'm into photography and for example I'd be photographing a house and when I get home, I'll find I don't have a picture of the entire house. I'll have zoomed into the door, or even the keyhole,  the windows, the reflection on the windows.  Now, when I find I'm stressed about something and I still have that obsessive thinking, I go for a walk to the beach or somewhere with an expansive outlook and literally expand my horizons. I think this could also be why so many doctors and dentists play golf and get out on that expanse of green.  Anyway, I'd be interested to hear what the Reachout staff have to say about this, and I hope you find it helpful. Best wishes, Birdwings   ... View more

Hey @Annco , Welcome to our forum. I'm mum to a 17 year old young man and like yourself, a 15 year old girl. We've had some rather stressful times in our family too and have worked through some pretty challenging times and still have some work in progress. It seems to me that something has upset of traumatised her and instead of addressing it directly she's reacting randomly and withdrawing. Is she getting on okay with the kids at school and are there problems there? While you and your husband might be accepting of her sexuality, perhaps she's having a rough time at school.  We've had to work hard on keeping communication open with both our kids. Talking in the car is a great opportunity.  Also, is she talking with her siblings? Those connections can be really important or a close relative if communicating with Mum and Dad isn't going well. Our daughter had told her brother a few things and he's raised concerns but we didn't confront her as we didn't want to stop her from talking to him.  The other area to consider is protecting yourself and being respected. I'm not the sort of person who gives the whole "while you're living under my roof speech", but there is a place for that. You and her siblings need to be safe at home. I think sometimes it's good to call these teens out on their abusive behaviour. Quite a few of them seem to have a strong sense of ethics, but don't necessarily look in the mirror and see their own shortfalls. Meanwhile, are you still connecting with your other kids? I know there are only so many hours in a day but the "problem child" can absorb a lot of love and energy and to the other kids it can seem like being good doesn't pay. My brother got into a lot of trouble in high school and I often felt invisible. As hard as it is to split yourself up, find time for selfcare and getting a bit of exercise to clear your head and stay health yourself, I thought I'd mention that.  Good luck and please keep us posted if it helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

I just noticed this reply. The lockdown has had an impact on your people and their aspirations. Hopefully, this is temporary. If we can stay out of lockdown and keep the numbers down (perfect world I know) hopefully we'll all start to right ourselves. Our 1 year old son wanted to be a sound engineer and had a part-time job starting just when lockdown started and now has tinnitus. It seems very hard for him to get a break. Meanwhile, our 15 year old has started working casually at McDonalds and that seems to be doing her a lot of good with getting back on her feet. She loves having her own money, and is meeting new people there and plenty of stories when I pick her up. It's about 5 minutes drive from our place but these quick conversations make a difference and add up. They also seem a bit forgiving at Maccas and are used to working with lots of young people. That sounds like it might be down the track at the moment for your son and we're moving slowly with ours but I try to scout around and get ideas.  Lastly, I don't know if you know many other parents of teens or his friends' parents. I used to go out for coffee with them somewhat regularly when they were younger but now most parents are working and covid just shut things down. I particularly used to talk to the parents at the dance studio and get a feel for what was going on. It was losing these networks which brought me to the parent forum here. I hope this helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Mon, That's good he's agreed to see somebody. Has he had a look at any of the fact sheets on Reachout? I managed to mention them to my daughter today. We were parked in the driveway and having a really good chat where she mentioned that her friend's mum who has been a good friend of mine has a drinking problem and I had no idea and it's affecting the kids and they're getting pretty high level intervention apparently. Anyway, my husband sticks his head out and then her brother. Oh golly. These things are difficult but it's all baby steps at least at the beginning and t's very very slow to get her to open up. She doesn't go well with professional help so I see them and get ideas. And I come here.  While professional help is good, I also think it's important for people to feel empowered to make changes themselves and to have some faith in their own capacity. This is actually what good professionals do. They will ask what has helped in the past to get him back on his feet, or help him feel better and hopefully he'll remember how he got through and that he can do it again. there are also a lot of seemingly simple things which make a difference. Going for a walk, run, having regular showers, getting sunshine, writing, painting, gardening, singing, listening to music. However, I know myself that inertia, shutting down, denial can be very alluring. I get into my work and hours go by. It is a constant effort to reach a balance, and I find I get away with it for a few days and then the reminders come back.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thanks for your concern, Sophia. It has been pretty tough with my daughter and thank you for asking. She went into hospital for her digestive issue (gastroparesis) just before lockdown started and missed a lot of school. She was angry and frustrated about her health and there were serious concerns about her capacity to be a professional dancer when she was so unwell. She had a lot to work through there and is back doing her dance, working casually at Maccas and is finding it easier to get her school work done now we're back to face to face. I am needing to be more available for her than I expected and she needs that support. She's quite inclined to hold things in and try to work them out for herself (probably fall out from being a young carer to some extent) but has appreciated when I've been able to help get her out of a pickle.  It was really good that my husband and I went out for dinner together last night. It's very rare and we need to treat ourselves too.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thanks, Sophia. My personal situation is quite different due to my health and disability issues and I am juggling things with my OT and psychologist. I also did mention the need for additional support for people on the NDIS who have been in extensive lockdown and possibly like me, still pretty much in lockdown. I don't know whether it's had any impact.  I would be interested to generate a bit of a discussion around this.  Many thanks and best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Mon_265, Welcome to the parent's forum, and I encourage you for getting out of your comfort zone and sharing your concerns or your son's wellbeing. We have a 17 year old son too, as well as a 15 year old daughter.  We have had ups and downs with both of our kids, and times where each of them has withdrawn, turned off school or been hostile and I've needed to have my thinking cap on and that's also what brought me to Reachout and the also the parent forum here.  One of the things which I mention frequently in here and has been covered on a Reachout video is the effectiveness of connecting with your teen in the car. While we've been culturalised to make eye contact, that can also be confronting and ii can actually be quite effective to be sitting side on when talking to your teen so situations like driving, fishing, walking. It's worked well for us, although my son often criticises my driving which isn't appreciated.  You didn't mention whether your son has career aspirations and this can be a motivator, but if there is something that he's interested in, or used to be interested in, that could be a good starting point.  Of course, some of this is all wishful thinking and perfect world sort of stuff. Our son had been really keen to get his L's and all of a sudden refused. Then finally we booked a time and he failed one question and stormed out. Was absolutely devastated and hasn't been back. He also left school early into Year 12 and while I was devastated at the time, as the year's gone on and we've had the dreadful four month lockdown, I'm glad he left. He's at the younger end of his year and really should've repeated years ago, but they don't do that anymore and he's academically bright.  Our son has had times where I'd say he had suicide ideation and he tried to hurt himself once in front of me and I called 000 and took him to hospital after that. There was another time he had a massive meltdown and we took him again then.  What's probably helped our son most was being part of our Church youth group and being mentored by the leaders there. He has been part of scouts since he was seven and is now in Venturers and that's been a fantastic thing.  Have you been in touch with school and the school counsellor? That can be helpful to see if he's being bullied or having trouble fitting in.  Try going driving or bushwalking with him where you can talk without direct eye contact. Sitting alongside someone can be less confronting.  Also, I wanted to ask you whether you've been experiencing extensive lockdowns where you are as that's affected a lot of people and in quite complex and unpredictable ways.  Meanwhile, I encourage you to take care of yourself and get out of the house, go for walks, get some sun and do something you enjoy each day - a treat. This will helped keep you fueled for the road ahead. You're no use to anyone if you run out of petrol.  Take care and best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Paula, Sorry to hear about your daughter is self-harming. I am mum to a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter who is in year 10. Obviously, I'll just focus on my daughter and to put you in the picture we live in Greater Sydney and are just coming out of an extensive lockdown which has had a significant and rather complex impact. To the best of my knowledge, our daughter doesn't self harm but we've had periods where she's withdrawn into her room and barely spoken and it's been awful. At times, it's felt like I've needed to leave a trail of crumbs outside her door to lure her out. I have tried to connect with her by trying to walk in her shoes and see things through her perspective and not being critical. recently, she started getting eyelash extensions which she's paying for via her Macca's job. I'm lucky to wear lipstick these days and rarely wear makeup, but she's a dancer and after wearing false eyelashes there, it's a small step to eyelash extensions She also wanted to go blond when school went back, and her hair is really dark and I couldn't see the point. However, she wanted to make an impact when school went back and I sensed some social anxiety so off we went. That turned out to be quite a bonding experience as we went to my hairdresser who is a close friend and we had a wonderful afternoon. Tonight we drove her and two friends out for dinner together and my husband and I went out together and we later drove them all home. I felt like a quiet night at home, but again thinking of how much they'd missed out in lockdown, off we went. It was fun and informative listening to them chat in the car and they chatted a bit with us as well. I am a night owl and often pick the girls up and I never complain because I want them to be safe. These little drives go along way towards connecting with my daughter.  Obviously food and body image is a huge issue for young women and girls and they tend to cover their tracks well. My daughter is one of the youngest in her year and has a digestive issue which makes it hard to gain weight and she is often sick. However, a friend of mine with an older daughter who had issues with anorexia gave me a few tips. One of them is hiding food in their socks and bra. Her daughter used to hide cheese in her socks. Another one was having a shower after meals to cover up being sick.  Another issue which might crop up is alcohol. Our daughter bought a bottle of vodka from a boy in year 12 and took it to school and was drinking it straight. Indeed, you could argue that falls into self-harm. It also shows a need to numb some painful emotions. However, that was more of an aberration and a wake up call. The Christmas school holidays gave her a chance to reset. Start over.   I think that my advice would not to try to be your daughter's best friend but to be a guide and try to be a good role model yourself, which is incredibly difficult. My daughter keeps to herself a lot but I try to get her to come to me with problems and to be part of the solution. Tonight my husband forgot to put her jeans in the dryer to wear out and so I ended up ironing them about four times to sort them out, which is totally against my image of who I am as a person but I knew she was depending on me. It doesn't take much for the teenage world to fall apart, especially with the lockdown.  I don't know if any of this helps. I guess I just wanted to share some of the ups and downs of our household. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Mum 70, I just replied to your previous message. So, I have a bit more background now to respond to this one. As I explained in my previous reply, I have acute medical conditions and I've been fighting these for 15 years. Our kids are 17 and 15. I also had four close friends die within a six week period so I fully understand that sense of being absolutely overloaded and unable to process one more thing. It's like even adding one more piece of paper to the load, is going to cause the whole enormous house of cards tumbling to the ground.  However, I'm also in a situation where our 15 year old daughter has been very quiet lately and says that no one listens to her. She does nothing to help around the house so I'm not entirely sympathetic and I listen more than she gives me credit for. So, while your husband has his issues, ideally your daughter's situation which must be very stressful for her. It's taken a huge about of courage to write you both that letter. It needs your time and attention. That's the first step. To reassure her that you still love her and while you're confused, you're happy to listen. This is something to clear the decks for even though things are already unbelievably overstretched. Maybe tell her that you haven't shown the letter to Dad yet, and wanted to talk about it with her first. Perhaps go for a walk together or a drive. A good setting for a difficult conversation where not looking at each other eye to eye could be advantageous. Also, I'd recommend getting yourself up to speed on the lingo around being trans. Ask her what name she'd like to go by and pronouns could be an issue to. She might like to be known as he or they. I haven't had one of my kids come out, but I used to work in HIV sexual health and it cropped up there.  While news like this is challenging for parents, you didn't mention whether you or your husband have beliefs that are involved here either.  Meanwhile, I really feel for you with all this going on and also having a 13 year old son.  Please keep coming back here if it helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Mum70, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's cancer diagnosis and how that also impacts on you and your family. In our family, the shoe is on the other foot. I have an acute life-threatening auto-immune disease which affects my muscles and lungs, and a while back I had a round of chemo to treat it. 't mention how long your husband has been fighting cancer or much about his prognosis. However, I've turned to the Cancer Council myself for advice on how to manage things with our kids, and they were very helpful. hey have some great printed resources and also counselling services. Their advice was always to keep the kids in the loop  to explain that treatment was available. That something could be done. My health has had a huge impact on our family, and  husband and kids when I'm not well that they don't need. ever, they are not the only teens in this situation and I do think it's good for them to think about someone other than themselves however, something less dire would be better.  Our marriage has also suffered but we're still together. Sometimes, that's because we've had nowhere else to go. I guess neither of us blame me for the situation. We put it fair and square on the disease.  Self care is important for you at this time and having someone you can talk with and also vent about your feelings away from your husband. Somewhere you can say whatever without needing to be nice, grateful stepping on egg. Exploding if you need to.  I don't know if you've joined Carers and your teens are also young carers and can get counselling and support. Also is covid an issue for you? It's a massive problem for us and needing to isolate. Well, we're in the Greater Sydney lockdown anyway. It's hard enough to deal with the disease and covid is a double-whammy.  I hope that helps and feel free to keep coming back. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thanks so much for your messages. Things in our place are intensified by my acute medical issues which include an autoimmune disease which is immuno-suppressed and I have 50% lung capacity and fibrosis in my lungs. My son has asthma and our daughter also has complex health issues. So, lately I've just been focused on accessing vaccination for them, which has taken writing to our state and Federal members and agitating. I've now got them booked in for next Friday, so that's a huge relief. Our 15 year old  daughter is a casual at McDonalds and while we don't have much covid where we live, you don't really know until 2 weeks later. So, this is a huge relief.  Our son was in Year 11 last year and left year 12 the day he turned 17 in March. He was due to go Europe last April on a school excursion. It wasn't something we could readily afford but he's been through so much with my health and was so keen, that we went ahead. It was heartbreaking when it was cancelled, but we got our money back. He had a casual job lined up right when covid hit. It's been hard. I think back to when I was a teenager, and not everything we did was sensible and you could fake your ID a lot easier back then and it's good that's tightened up. However, they've lost out ion so much freedom, and this year's year 12 has lost their formal as well.  At the same time we've had our losses, working from home has freed my husband up a lot to work on our house and we've saved money.  It's definitely been a mixed bag.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Faob_1 It certainly sounds like you've been through the wringer with your son, and  I can just imagine that the motorbike accident itself must've hit you you very hard, and then to have drug use and the girlfriend on top of that and needing to shower him just sounds explosive for any family let alone with everything else going on. I don't know if you're managing to get out of the house at all but finding ways where you can chill out and have a break would be a good start. We love and cherish our children and it's heartbreaking when things aren't working out for them, we nearly lose them in some way. So stressful.  I'm thinking of you and sending my love. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Abby91, Welcome to the parent forum. I've been coming here for about 18 months now I think since we first went into Covid lock down last year. I'm married with a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter. Our situation has been complicated y my chronic health situation and we've each had times where we've been angry about that. However, aside from that we'd had issues with our kids too. A lot of teens lock themselves away in their rooms, and I did the same as a teen and spent hours on the phone talking to friends about goodness knows what. I didn't get on well with my mum either. However, there's the zone of the "normal teenage behavior" (as the school put it and it had quite a broad spectrum in there) and then there's the more concerning behaviours.  School is a difficult place for many people. Our son left as soon as he could the day he turned 17. He's young for year 12 and we've been in lock down for much of the time since he left, and so he's treading water. I can't ask him about study, getting his L's or just about anything without him blowing up so I've gone with just trying to keep the conversation going. We like Scrabble, but we had one game of that a few weeks ago. His sister is also locked up in her room much of the time and I get attitude if I mention school with her, or missing her extra-curricular dance classes and get told to leave her alone. I start wondering whether I should just leave her well and truly alone and then she'll start chatting to me about clothes or something as though nothing ever happened. Hello! Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page and we're pretty much treading water during lock down. I'm saving my energy for when we open up and there's a point to being more confrontational. The thing I have noticed with my kids is how important their friends are to them, and they will have much more influence about getting them back on track than we do as parents. However, they can also lead them astray as well.  Do you see a psychologist about your son's behaviour? I see one for our  son and an OT  although he hasn't seen them in awhile and lock down isn't helping there either. I have found this quite helpful and at least I have someone I can talk privately with.  My other question would be whether there's a family member he connects to?  I hope that helps at least a little. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi buyamardeep How are you? I hope you are going okay. Was there anything in particular which brought you  here today?  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi EndoLife1, Welcome to the Parents' Forum. I've probably been coming here for a year now and found it very helpful. I'm Mum to a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter. You didn't mention who you are referring to in your message or how old they are. Are you in lockdown or being impacted particularly by covid? I tend to feel that no is really okay living in lockdown and even introverts I know are starting to hang out for a least seeing somebody. Our son had severe anxiety at the end of the last Sydney lockdown and his mind was racing. He sat down and talked with us and all this stuff came out and we realized that many of those things we do for good mental health are at least complicated. Getting a bit of sunshine, exercise, routine, trying to bring as much normality into life as possible help. How you get all these things implemented is much harder. One of the tips I use is to organise my day around meal times. When you don't have a lot on, meals can form good sign posts through the day. Information is always helpful for my anxiety and trying to slow my breathing down. We have three dogs and I bet they'd tell you they work overtime. Not only are the dogs great to pat, they're also weighted and that heavy weight can be calming.   Having concern about your kids' is stressful. I feel so powerless and quite often I have to depend on their friends, or perhaps a teacher, or therapist connecting with them. You can't make them do anything.  Our school has  a program where they emphasize reinforcing positive behaviour. It can be challenging but I do keep that in mind. I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hello again from Birdwings, I've been thinking more about you and your son. I don't know if you have a dog or pet of some kind, but our dogs are so good for our family's well being. I went through a rough time recently where four close friends died in a short space of time. Obviously, it was pretty hard. I have to watch the funeral of the last one via live stream and got pretty emotional at the end. My husband turned up carrying our sleeping dog (a large border collie x kelpie) and put him on my lap and said "this is a job for a dog" and also held my hand. Our daughter also has a Siamese fighting fish we called Flash. He sits beside her bed and she says he's quite attentive and interactive. She's made a connection with him anyway.  I also on the exercise and food front. They do make quite a difference. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Tek 1971, I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your son. It sounds like his situation is serious and you and his medical/psychological team are pulling out all the stops.  You mentioned that he is currently in Year 12, but you didn't mention whether you've been in lockdown and whether covid has had a big impact on him. It is such a difficult time to be in Year 12 and for so many people career options seem bleak at the moment, although I do know people who have got jobs recently so it's possible.  My son was in this year's  cohort of year 12s and he decided to leave the day he turned 17 and there was nothing we could do to change his mind. He has a lot of anxiety and frustration has seen him have a few serious meltdowns and two trips to Emergency. He had some serious troubles towards the end of Sydney's first lockdown and he couldn't slow his thoughts down, but he's been better this time. We haven't gone down the medication pathway and he refuses to see anyone atm although I see a psychologist and an occupational therapist on his behalf and they guide me. Not everyone likes to talk about their stuff, and I guess for me what I try to do for my son and myself is to break things down into really small nibble sized pieces and to start tackling something, anything. As soon as you change anything, you change course and the further you keep walking, the wider the angle of change. I don't know if that makes sense to you. I am a visual person. Avoidance is a huge issue for so many people and just getting started can gain real momentum. I've just had a friend who has a business in the entertainment industry go back to TAFE to retrain for real estate which she did years ago due to covid and she picked up a full-time job in two weeks. She's 60 and could easily have thought she'd never compete with the young ones but she did it. My 15  daughter has had some health issues and been in hospital and she had her first shift at Maccas recently. Covid has been difficult for me being immuno-suppressed but I've used lockdown to write a series of books about WWI.  On the other hand, there is a big difference between severe psychiatric depression and a friend of mine has struggled with that and lives with it. I guess the thing is to know whether that's what he's dealing with. Also, I think it would be a good idea to find out more about how the marijuana affects the prescription medication. That could be a serious issue.  Above all else, I wanted to say to you that I've had dark times myself and my son has tried taking his life in front of me and I saved his life. I wanted to say that I care about what you're going through and understand there are no quick fixes  but by being prepared for the longer haul might take the pressure off. THere are different drugs they can try etc. It a very hard place but neither of you are alone. THere are others going through it.  Take care & best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Gordi, Welcome along. I can relate to much of what you're saying. I have a 17 year old son and a 15 year old daughter and we're stuck in the Greater Sydney Lockdown. My daughter is not connecting much with school at all. She's in Year 10. A friend of hours hopped on zoom the other day and he teaches Year 10 and they're driving him round the bend and he's ringing parents tomorrow. That was reassuring aside from the face that so many kids are having their education badly affected. I am focusing on making sure my daughter stays afloat atm. She's had a number of physical health issues and was in hospital just before lockdown and is just starting to get back on her feet.  I've been seeing that man in the boy behaviour in my son most of his life.  You mentioned about your son being in the process of outgrowing the interests you do together. I've been feeling that a bit myself. We live near the beach and used to go down there with the kids. However, they now go with their friends and Mum is uncool. I don't want their friends seeing me in my swimmers either. That said, we could go to a different beach even within the lockdown limits.  My parents both took up golf as their retirement sport so they'd have a common interest. That worked for awhile but dad is so much better than mum and she went back to her music. It's not that easy to keep those connections and common interests going but we need to keep evolving and reaching out, and perhaps look back on the memories together in photos. I am a very sentimental person so I know where you're coming from, and I think it's okay to be a bit reflective as our kids grow and leave childhood behind.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thanks, Janine for checking in on me and I thought I'd replied but sometimes I end up talking to myself.  I have been more successful at taking care of myself in the latter part of this week. I went kayaking with my husband today and feel so good afterwards. With my mobility issues exercise can be a dirty word and it can feel very cosy at home, even though I know it's not looking after myself.  My patience and perseverance with my daughter paid off and she has been spending more time with me and out of her room. So, I've tried to be available. It can be like leaving a little trail outside their bedroom door waiting for them to come out and thankfully she is responding.  Hope you've had a good weekend. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Ilovemykids4, Welcome to the forum. I thought I'd touch base as I have ongoing chronic health issues and my daughter's just spent some time in hospital. So, while I don't have professional training I might be able to help or point you somewhere that can. I've personally found support groups aligned with the condition are very helpful as they provide a lot the background lived information, the doctors may not provide. A few cautions there, however. The people who tend to be the long termers tend to have a more severe variation of the condition hence why they're still there. You can also get some zealots who only think of the condition and don't lead a balanced life. Some groups tend to be more upbeat that others. However, I've found they help me feel les alone. My conditions are rare and it's been o wonderful t find people like me, and not just because we have the same condition but our lives might also be quite similar and we have a lot in common.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi KWeir, It was rather freaky seeing the header of your message in the list, because I'd logged in myself with the same issue with my 15 year old daughter. She's also been having trouble sleeping, and I come to you as one who is struggling for help, explanations and answers rather than a pathway forward. My daughter was recently in hospital and then ended up on a heart monitor for a month, which turned out okay but she's had a lot of stress, and I don't know about you, but we live in Greater Sydney and have been in lockdown for about 6 weeks now.  The university of Sydney held a webinar recently about covid and young people and almost as a side point, they mentioned that people in transition were affected most were people in transition and of all age groups, young people are probably at the greatest time of transition. I don't know if that's why your daughter isn't sleeping, but I don't think anyone around me is really what I'd call "okay". One of my introverted friends said that she's even wanting to say hello to strangers when she's out walking her dog now.  I also come from a family of nightowls and covid isolation and lockdowns have exacerbated my own difficulties and I'm now getting to bed between 1.00-3.00am. I'm a writer/researcher so it's also quieter for me to work at night.  I used to be quite regular here in the forums, and we talked about connecting with your children by going for drives and doing activities where you're not giving them direct eye contact so it doesn't look like you're trying to interrogate them.  This can provide a good opportunity for them to open up. Board games are also good. The Voice and the Olympics have also lured our son out of his room. He's 17.  I went to some talks at the high school nd they addressed some of the things which an really stress developing teens out, and which still fall into what seems to be a fairly broad category of "normal teenage behavior". There was one young man who was refusing to go to school because the hair on one leg had grown suddenly but not the other and he didn't want to be seen like this in his school shorts. There are things going on in their minds that we could never even contemplate. I could say the same, by the way, about my own mind. I guess the important thing is to maintain connection and that she knows she is loved.  I don't know if that helps but I do care.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Blue Wren, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter and it sounds like you've been through a lot with five years of illness and separation from your husband. That must be very hard for you. I have had serious and often life-threatening medical conditions for some time and know others in the same boat, and it can really put a lot of strain on relationships and your self-esteem. I have struggled in the past with feeling useless, invalid, lost etc and have needed to re-invent myself and build reasons for living beyond being a mother and wife. For me, that is my writing.  I felt from your message that you are being quite critical of yourself. So, I'd encourage you to write a list of what you're doing well. What is going well in your relationship with your daughter etc. Keep a gratitude journal. I've been meaning to do that myself.  I am Mum to a 17 year old young man and a 15 year old daughter. She can get quite big for her boots and she's also had to look out for me a bit, which has impacted on how we interact. I guess there are times where she in a sense parents me, so it's then hard to put her back in her box and be the child again. My husband tends to go down that path when things trigger and it never ends well.  I find with my daughter there's this balance between being her parent and being a friend. You need her to be honest and open with you and chat so that the door is open if challenging things come along. However, there still need to be rules and boundaries in place. Saying no is important for everyone. I get this feeling that you need to take some good deep breaths and tall. It's something we need to keep doing as parents because we get knocked around so much and we can so easily lose sight of what we're doing well.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi ERCALL, I just wanted to acknowledge your message and the enormous stress and heartache you're going through. I don't know if you have any idea about what is triggering your teen's meltdowns. With these difficulties accessing professional help, I was wondering about ways you might be able to drop the stress/triggers down a few notches at least to keep them safe. Dogs or pets can be very good, long walks, singing/chanting, running, immersing yourself in nature. A friend of mine who went through a gruelling battle with breast cancer including the removal of three brain tumours told me how standing in the water at the beach melted her troubles away. She also enjoyed kayaking.  Meanwhile, are you getting any support? What are you doing to help yourself get through this? Have you been in touch with Carers? You also need to survive.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings  ... View more

Hi GW, Reading through your post seems to leave me with a question, more than an answer for you and others here: What is the point of seeking professional help? If you're simply looking for advice for a problem, then the Internet might be sufficient. Of course, not all information on the net is helpful. However, you could mount an argument that seeking advice online is more self-sufficient and empowering. However, I think it helpful to get a range of opinions and the danger of DIY research is finding someone tells you what you want to hear, or that you could lose perspective and overinflate or minimise your problems. I firmly believe everyone needs people who say no. Otherwise, you can end up being really unbalanced and a caricature of yourself like Michael Jackson.  What I like about professional help, is they've been well trained and they see lots of different people and have a broad reference base. They can also help you implement your changes.  Our daughter has refused to go to the psychologist and I've had to step in there. At the moment that's okay. Our son should be seeing his OT and psychologist but refuses so I see them instead and try to implement things that way.  I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings  ... View more