Hi Taylor:   Thank you for the message and the support!  We've had more issues come up recently.   Apparently, the ex is continuing to say bad things about my daughter and their relationship that are hurtful.  He is now saying that he never loved my daughter, that she catfished him and that he was bored.  My daughter is just tired of it all and told her side to the individual that brought this info to her to ask the individual (who is a friend of the ex) to ask the ex to stop, just stop talking about her.  She also reached out to a mutual friend (as she cannot contact the ex since he blocked her from all contact) to ask that he ask the ex to stop.     Apparently, the ex has been caught lying about facts of their relationship and lying in general.  As a result, an adult relative of the ex reached out to my daughter and told her to move on and to ignore what is being said.  My daughter responded stating that she will defend herself, if asked her side of the story.  The conversation appears to be one-sided, in that there is no care to tell the ex to stop, but more so blaming my daughter (who has had no friends contact or say anything to the ex, which is the opposite of the ex's friends) and asking her to ignore the gossip and accusations (some that have bad consequences) and if there is an issue to speak with the ex's family.  My daughter does not want to do that, since it is obvious that they are trying to protect the ex (which is to be expected), without correcting his behaviour and asking my daughter to put up with the character damning gossip and accusations.   One of the accusations, in which the ex told a friend that my daughter told him to "kill himself" is continuing to spread, as the ex's friend made mention of it.  This is the accusation that angers me, because this is potentially damaging to my daughter.  Her friends have spoken up and protected my daughter when this accusation surfaces, but the fact that it continues to "spread" is worrying my daughter and I.  She has been very "tired" since all this transpired 1 week ago and has withdrawn from her normal activities to "sleep."   So after speaking with a colleague about any concerns (legally) of this type of accusation, we are taking the approaching of contacting her school to advise that the issue is continuing and to ask that they get my conversation with them on record and in my daughter's records, in the event that it does become a bigger issue.  We also spoke with our daughter about taking the point of responding when gossip and accusations (unless severe and she has to defend herself) come up of, "Oh not again, why can't he just stop."  The hope is that this type of response will make the gossip and accusation seem like it's a lie that the ex and his friends continue to perpetuate and that my daughter knows is a lie and is tired of.   Additionally, I asked that if the adult member of her ex's family contacts her again to let them know that she is a minor and that they are an adult and should not contact her and that she will be telling me so that I will speak with them.   She sees her therapist this coming Monday, so I am sure we will have solid advice about what to do, etc.   Thank you for this opportunity to speak out and "vent" my frustrations and concerns!  I am trying to not be too involved, but involved enough to watch what is happening and acting as needed.  This can be incredibly frustrating.   I hope you are all well and will keep you all posted...   Thanks again!       ... View more

Hi Hannah!   Hope this message finds you safe and sound.   Thanks for the message!  I really appreciate the interaction with you.  It gives me another outlet to talk, maybe grieve a little.   I think that things have settled for the time being.  Nothing has been told to my daughter, so I think for now that he's given up that avenue of attention.   Last week the ex-BF saw my daughter in person!  The meeting was accidental, as I was doing school pickup.  As I was facing the friends walking toward my daughter, I could see the entire sidewalk all the way to the school.  As my daughter ran over to hug and greet one of her best friends that she hasn't seen for sometime, she did not realize that her ex-BF was behind her friends.  The ex-BF saw her and stopped and then turned and took a few steps back and then stopped.  His friends seemed to ask why he stopped, but I could not tell if he said anything.  My daughter was laughing, smiling and talking and was very excited to see her friends, that she did not notice her ex until her friend told her that he was right behind her friends.  Julia looked up and she saw him and he definitely saw her.   As Julia and her friends walked back to my car, the ex and his friends followed at a distance.  When he was approaching my car, he kept his head down and was not talking.  We drove around and passed him with his friends while exiting the school.  The other kids told me that he was pointing at my car, he knows it well, so without doubt they finally saw each other, but had no interaction.   My daughter handled the situation very well, as she did not recognize him and mistook his friend for the ex.  Then she realized it was him and continued as if he wasn't there.  There was no pause or panic in her actions at all.  She really came from a place of confidence and strength.  Her friends were concerned that she might panic or cry, and were thrilled at how she handled it.   Julia has had dreams about her ex since first seeing him weeks ago and she has been "mourning" what could have been, if he never went on sabbatical, etc.  She knows that she has to deal with the reality of their relationship and not dwell on potential, but knowing and seeing him and the ex seeing her is like an expected "rewounding" that we thought would happen next year.  She has a therapy session soon and will mention everything to her therapist for clarity, etc.  So far, she has seen him every week when we do pickup, and each week she is less and less affected by him.   I think that life is just moving on and we are coping and healing little by little.  Today when we saw him, she and I felt sad because he just doesn't seem the same at all.  His "aura" or "spark" is gone.  He looks like a typical 14 year old boy, not the same as how we perceived him at all.  I still feel for the child, because he is a child and seems very sad and confused.  I still maintain that I would help him even to this day, because he is a child in a difficult situation who has gone through so much.  As before, the ball is in his court.  All he has to do is reach out.   Thank you again for being a wonderful avenue to discuss these difficult emotions.  I will keep you posted as this situation progresses!   Stay Safe! ... View more

Hi Hannah:   Thanks for the response and my apologies that I am only now responding.   Most definitely the forum and writing so very much helped to get the feelings in focus.   My daughter is doing much better, definitely thanks to therapy.  She is able to see things much clearer than before.  She doesn't hate her ex.  She never hated her ex.  She only felt betrayed, used, let down, etc.  I am worried that she's too afraid to put her heart out there again.  She seems so quick to find flaws or faults with the nicest of boys, which is a concern that I have.  I'm afraid that this "fear" or avoidance could become long term and leave her feel very lonely inside.   So far, no new allegations have come up.  This is a blessing.  But we are still facing the fact that they will see each other next school year.  That could be a "rewounding" moment.  Luckily she'll stay in therapy to deal with that moment.     Covid has magnified the feeling of isolation, "singleness," that there is literally no one out there.  My daughter always tells me that, which I am watching to see if it's rooted in the sheer distance from normal everyday life or not.    We saw her ex 2 weeks ago (he didn't see us) when I was doing school pickup.  It was strange.  I seriously did not think it was her ex.  He seemed "smaller" and younger.  Not the radiant beautiful boy he was when they dated.  His aura felt small, if that makes sense.  I still worry about the boy, he's been through alot in his 14 years of life.  But, he isn't my child to be concerned with.  He has a family.  And, the "ball" is in his court, as far as my daughter's attempt to reach out to him.   I think that we're just moving forward regardless.  I don't feel like we have much choice, really.  Therapy for both of us and time with friends and family have been a blessing.  I'm hoping that alot of this emotion is being affected by Covid, the USA elections, etc.  It's a scary time and to go literally from one emotion "wave" to another and another is taking a toll.   Thank you again for this forum!  For a place to be open and honest, scars exposed without judgment.  I appreciate it! ... View more

Hi @gameofthrones :   Thank you for sharing your feelings here.  I have been searching for anyone who shared the same emotions I share about my daughters ex-BF.  It's a huge relief to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.  Like you, I have a good support system of husband, friends and family, but I feel like I'm more of a burden to them with this issue.  So I try not to mention how I feel any longer to them.  But, I can't stop feeling a disappointment and a bit of rage with my daughter's ex.   My daughter/our background:  My daughter was 12 years old when she met her ex (who was 13 at the time).  She wasn't allowed to date (she had to wait until high school), but as all kids do, she started "dating" him.  When I found out, I set ground rules; grades must stay the same (she's an honours student with high marks), she must continue swim practice (she swims for a club) and above all, I must have access to her cell at all times with no deleted messages, etc.  She agreed.   Initially, my daughter took this as more of a "practice" BF, as he has strict parents and was going out of the country as his parents were going on a year long sabbatical.  Most of their relationship was via text and Skype.  Issues started coming up within the 1 week of knowing each other, as within 3 days he told her that he loved her.  My daughter responded by telling him that he barely knew her to love her and that he shouldn't say that.  At first he agreed, but within a day continued the "love bombing."  My daughter told me that she felt bad, so she replied back with an "I love you too."  Addition to the "love bombing," the BF would tell my daughter how awful his home life was and how his stepmother told him that she wished that he was dead, etc.  My daughter brought this to me, as she wasn't sure if he was telling her the truth or just complaining about his stepmother.  Since everything seemed benign to me (typical teen issues), I told her to listen to him and assume that what he says about his home life is real and try to talk to him about seeking counseling, etc.  As months passed, the BF opened up more and more about his issues; severe social anxiety, no relationship with his father and a horrible relationship with his stepmother, Mom passed away and the only family he felt he had was his grandmother and aunt and cousins, who his father and stepmother disliked.  He also told my daughter that he prayed for her, that she was his soulmate and was completely in love with her.     For winter break the ex-BF came home for the week and stayed with his grandmother.  They finally got to see each other face-to-face.  Again, I took all this as benign, because my daughter kept to the agreement regarding her grades, swim and access to her cell.  They kissed for the first time and by then, they both were deeply attracted and in love with each other.  I got to meet his grandmother and aunt, and they told me about how much they already loved my daughter, because they saw the change in the ex-BF.  He was genuinely happy and smiling and laughing.  They told me that for the first time he was truly happy.  He is the "quiet and shy" grandchild who sits in the corner and rarely speaks or makes a sound.  They told me that he had a difficult childhood, about his Mom and Dad's relationship which was not good and about his stepmother.  They also told me that his parents would not allow him to go and hang out and probably don't know that he has a girlfriend (or any girlfriends in the past, which were not serious and short relationships).  They asked if I was willing to allow Julia to date him and support their relationship. After meeting the boy and having dinner with him and seeing how soft spoken, kind and gentle he was any worry I had went away.  Add to that, I was so affected by his grandmother and aunt, that I agreed.  Again, thinking that this was all benign.   After meeting face-to-face the ex-BF "turned up" the love bombs and questioned my daughter a few times about fears that he had that she was cheating on him.  She was not and told him so and he let it go.  He then started to be a little more "controlling," wanting her to "look good" for him, even if they weren't physically able to be with each other.  He told her that he wanted to tattoo her name on his arm or chest, which my daughter replied by telling him to wait until they were adults to do that.  He also told her that he wished that he could place a sign on her back that said that she was "Property of ..."  When she brought these conversations to my attention, I became concern, as these were significant "red flags."  I told my daughter and she agreed that these were red flags, but that she didn't think it was that big of a deal.  Little by little he stopped calling my daughter, "pretty or beautiful" and started to see her as "hot."  This change alarmed my daughter, because everything prior to this point (in her eyes) was very loving and caring and gentle.  Given that she loved him and cared about him, she let it slide, but told me that it bothered her.  I advised to let him know that she didn't like how he was "complimenting" her and to talk about the "property" statement and tattoos with him.  She said that she would.  I'm not sure if she ever did.   The ex-BF parents started to become suspicious, and started to monitor his phone usage.  As his parents started to get tighter with his cell, he started to complain more to my daughter about his home life and how she was all that kept him going and hoping.  Hearing this, my daughter promised to never let him go and that she would be patiently by his side until he could talk with his dad about giving him more freedom and letting him come home early.     The ex-BF planned to stay with his grandmother for Spring Break, which would give him freedom to spend the entire break with my daughter.  He was so excited about this, that he asked my daughter if she could stay the week with him at his grandmothers.  They would be able to spend the days at the beach, just the two of them.  When my daughter asked if 2 of their mutual friends could go, he was not happy about the idea, but agreed that the friends could hang out for half the day only and the rest of the week would be the two of them.  My daughter told me about his idea and I was shocked.  At first I couldn't say a word and then said that this would not be acceptable.  I told her that I would be more than happy to drop her off to hang out all day and late into the evening the entire week, but that she could not spend the night.  She told her ex-BF who wanted to reassure me that he is responsible and good with boundaries.  My daughter then told him that I would not agree, but the compromise option would be just as good.  He agreed.  Both of them looked forward to the week hanging out.  Unfortunately, his dad did not agree and the week did not happen.  While my daughter was disappointed, she was patiently waiting for him to speak with his dad.  The ex-BF approached his dad, but ultimately was too scared to speak with him. During this time the ex-BF would speak with my husband and I and ask how we were doing, etc.  He also called me "Mom," which shocked me, given his anxiety, etc.   After this let down, the ex-BF became more and more sad, depressed, and angry with this parents.  He started to tell my daughter that he wanted to live with his grandmother and that staying with his parents was destroying his mental health and that she was the only hope he had in his life.  It was around this time that I started to see a change in my daughter.  While she maintained her grades and allowed me to look at her cell, she started to move around her swim practice to make herself available to him.  As his parents started to take away his cell time, she tried more and more to make herself available to him, and stopped going out with friends and to swim practice to make sure that she did not miss his text or video calls.  His grandmother and aunt were aware of what was going on and begged my daughter to not abandon him and that once they had him living with them, everything would be fine.  I intervened at this time to ask her how long she was going to suffer silently by his side.  She advised that she vowed never to abandon him, and said that she was going to hold on.  She was concerned about his mental health and told me that as she was much stronger than him emotionally, she could carry the stress for him.  I reasoned with her that this was not a good situation, but she stayed fast with her idea to stay by his side.   After his parents took away the ex-BF cell for 2 weeks, my daughter was no longer sleeping and was having physical issues (missed period) due to stress.  Apparently during this 2 week period, his dad looked through his cell and saw all the texts and videos between my daughter and his son.  His dad demanded that the ex-BF give him full access to his IG, etc. and that not until he had full access would his son get his cell back.  The ex-BF allowed his dad access and after thoroughly looking through his cell, gave it back to him.  Once the ex-BF got his cell back, he was cold and distant with my daughter and abruptly broke up with her stating that he fell out of love with her.  She was convinced that there was another girl, but it was confirmed that there wasn't.  He just simply fell out of love.  He said that he fell madly and deeply in love with her, but that he didn't think things through.  He also said that till you get married, one person is never the person you'll be with for the rest of your life.   My daughter was devastated!  His grandmother, aunt, and cousins and I cried and were confused.  Just 48 hrs prior to the break up, he was telling his grandmother that he couldn't wait to be home to be with my daughter.  To this day, we still don't know what happened.  My daughter did not leave the conversation with grace.  She was angry and let the ex-BF know that.  After she "yelled" texted at him, she got her composure back and apologized for her out burst.  This happened 3 times the night of the break up and ended when she told him that she wished that she never met him.  He was cold and did not understand why she was so mad, but when he heard those words, he fought back and told her that she wanted to fight, but that he wasn't going to do that.  He then told her that she was fragile and toxic and that he never wanted to see or speak with her again.  She apologized and said that she was just so hurt and that they should end it on a good note.  They then said good bye.   A few days post break up, my daughter had a dream that he hurt himself and reached out to him to apologize for how she reacted to the break up and to let him know that she would always be there for him to talk, etc.  He responded with "k (and the thumbs up emoji)" and then blocked her from all his social media, etc.  They have not had contact since.   I ended my communication with his aunt and grandmother (who texted me throughout the 8 month relationship) apologizing for my daughter's lack of grace during the break up and that I hoped nothing but the best for all them and for the ex-BF.   This was 6 months ago, right before the Covid Stay Home order.  The first 2 months were horrible.  Luckily her best friend stayed by her side the entire time.  My daughter started to get better and was starting to move on (no longer sudden burst of tears and sadness) when in May 2 friends of his reached out to my daughter; 1 asking if she was mad at him, which my daughter replied no and told her what happened (condensed version) and that friend told her that he has been sad since the break up and that he can't believe that he lost what he thought was his everything,  The other friend just wanted to reconnect with her and told her that he still talks about her, and that his friend always reminds him to stop talking about my daughter as they broke up.  Then his aunt contacted her during Mother's Day to pass on a message of Happy Mother's Day to me.  My daughter thanked her for the text and forwarded it to me.  I responded that it was kind that they reached out to me and that I hoped that she and her mother (his grandmother) were ok and that he was home soon.  His aunt proceeded to tell me that the ex-BF home situation had worsened and that they were seriously talking about pursuing custody to protect him.  I told them that while our kids are no longer together, I would help them, as they didn't know what to do, etc.  I contacted an attorney and relayed the info I received to them, so that they were prepared to move forward.  His aunt proceeded to tell me and my daughter that the ex-BF loved my daughter and that it was the stress with his parents, being away from home, etc. that caused him to make a bad decision and break up with her.  My daughter was speaking with his friend and relayed this info to her and the friend abruptly told my daughter that his aunt was wrong and that he hates my daughter and doesn't care about her.  This set my daughter back to square one again.   I reached out to his aunt to tell her what we learned and that it appears that her info is incorrect and essentially asked her to stop contacting us, although we would help with anything related to their custody battle.  His aunt texted me to let me know that she spoke with the ex-BF and that he told a completely different story and that he never told anyone that he hated my daughter.  A week after this, my daughter was shown a text her mutual friend received that was from her ex-BF stating that I was trying to "kill" him and blame him and his friend for my daughter's set back.  He said that he had to protect his friend and that none of his friends should be friends with my daughter because she is petty, a poser, arrogant, etc.  So, we caught him in a lie.  There were more lies after this, as the ex-BF tried to get friends to hate my daughter, which did not work .     He is back now and recently my daughter was told that he told a friend that my daughter told him to "kill himself."  This is a lie, as my daughter never said or texted anything like this.  One of his friends turned against my daughter, but the other friends fought back and said that my daughter would never say that and that she is not anything he's accusing her off and that he lost a good person.   My daughter has been in therapy since the stay home order lifted in May and now understands the detriment of red flags, etc.  She has had a wonderful Summer with her "pod" of friends (some of who are his friends who like her).  This new allegation has been reported to her school, in the event that anything should happen and we need a paper trail of events.     Sorry this turned into a very long message.  When I started writing, I couldn't stop.  It feels like every time my daughter moves forward, something related to her ex-BF pulls her back in.  She is less and less triggered by him and just wants to be free to move on with her life without more gossip and lies.   I feel crazy at times, as I can't understand everything that has happened.  It feels like insanity.  Even through this all, if he showed up at my door the first thing I would ask is if he's ok.  I'm still a Mom and I still feel for this child. I wish I didn't.  I wish I could just dislike him and not care what happens to him.  It's like I still think that there is a wounded child there and that if he needs help, we should rise above and help.  But, he has presented a serious allegation, which can be detrimental to my daughter.  I just wish I would stop being triggered by any mention of him, etc.  It's insanity.   ... View more