Hi.  My only son has become a complete stranger to me.  I don't know why he took the path he did, there was no reason.  He has always been so close to me, a good kid. Worked through school, got a traineeship straight after school then after 3 years it all went downhill fast.  He started hanging with a kid, my gut instinct was that he was no good.  Then commenced the lies, not coming home, disappearing for days.  Of course deep down I knew he had got into drugs, but he kept denying it.  I tried tough love, but it just made the behaviours worse.  I found drugs in the house, in the car. He would stand there and blatantly say i was making it up, seeing things etc.  He was spending all his money, and then started not showing up for work.  Sooner or later, he stopped working - he lied and said he needed a break and there was no work.  He wasn't fired, and had 6 months left of his apprenticeship.  He told me nothing despite me trying to find out. He said he wanted to do something else.  He would never be home, in and out,phone never stopped dinging. He stopped doing all the things he used to do, and hanging with all his other friends who shared a similar outdoorsy, beach, camping type of life. He changed from surfer dude to dude wearing expensive trainers and tracksuits virtually overnight. Of course by then I realized that he was into something seriously not right.  I could not get through to him.  Although he would  never admit it,  I can intuitively tell with him when he was up to something.  Once I had a bad feeling and sensed that he was going out,  I begged him not to leave - to the point of standing in front of him, crying and pleading.  He just stepped over me and left.  I did not know where he was for 2 weeks.  It broke my heart.  This was not my son.  It is just horrible.  The stress and fear has been enormous.  During this, I have been trying to hold down a full-time job.  His car sits in the driveway broken down, yet he buys more shoes and clothes.  He seems to get better for a little while, then off he goes again.  He has become increasingly angry at me, and I feel like I walk on egg shells.  People have said throw him out, but the one time I did - the fear of not knowing if he was alive or dead was way worse than having him at home.  However, it is no happy family scenario.  I barely talk to him unless I sense his mood is responsive to it.  In the past  6 months, 2 of his friends have died through drugs and suicide. It has been horrendous.  it did trigger in him a desire to change, however I still have never been told what has been going on.  He was lucky to get taken back to work, and things were going along really well for a few months, but seem to have gone down hill again.  He asked if he could have some time off as he is not sleeping, and feels like he is having panic attacks.  The symptoms to me seem as if he is back on the drugs. I don't believe one thing he says anymore.  I keep looking for evidence that he is lying to me again.  Bit by bit he opened up about what was going on, and none of it was pretty.  It has been so confrontational.  The knowledge of what my son has been doing, his drug taking, dealing and the grubs he has been associating with have numbed me. There has been so much pain, I feel completely numb.  Every couple of days there is one more issue.  I have taken steps back so as to let him sort things out himself.  I have not given him money, now will I ever unless it is for petrol so he can get to work.   So now he is awake most of the night, sleeps until 12, then goes out somewhere - won't tell me, and even if he did its probably not the truth.  He has spend thousands and thousands of dollars in the past few months with nothing to show for it  He is an adult and I can't stop him from doing anything.  All I can do is listen when he wants to talk which is rare.  For the second time I managed to get him to the GP, and we now have a psychologist appointment, but that is 3 weeks away.  It doesn't take much to slip back into old behaviours.  My son says he is depressed and understandably he would be, he felt like he couldn't stay at work cos he was reactionary to his workmates concerns about his activities, (they would have just been trying to be helpful).  I am just exhausted.  it is almost impossible for me to do anything nice for myself when I am so consumed with this boy.  I love him dearly.  But he won't do anything to help himself or me.  I am too ashamed to tell my family or work colleagues of what he has been doing.  Last night, after coming in at 2 am, he seemed to be having a panic attack - but I suspect it was drugs.  Some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is just delusional nonsense.  He justifies these grubs.  He tries to normalize criminal behaviour to me.  I feel that they have got their tentacles back into him, and I am so afraid for him.  He paces, is jittery and sometimes is talking very fast.  I know that anxiety and depression can trigger these symptoms.  I just want my beautiful boy back and I don't know how to do it.   ... 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