Hi guys, big thank you to everyone for responding without judging. Somehow, I am feeling more able to cope. I am not sure if the way forward will work for everyone in the family, but it will work very well for me and it will stop the conflict. And I think this had made the difference. I REALLY know how my life is to be orchestrated. And I am NOT giving up on my goals, my knowledge, my beliefs or what I know is right. I think I've come to the conclusion that others don't have to agree with me. And in not agreeing with me, they have to live their lives accordingly. We all make choices and from those myriad of choices our lives are mostly determined. And only one person is responsible for each choice - me. So, once again a BIG thankyou to all for generously sharing and offering support. I might even hang around and offer a bit of support myself. Take Care everyone, Solly
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HI guys, Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate them. Just to update you, I am pretty steamed today. Last night I was researching the issue and came across a Specialist Psych who deals with difficult aspie teens. He has a "program" that gets good testimonials. So, without knowing much more about it, I asked my partner to check it out and buy it for download. She did. What has got my goat is that ALL the discipline methods I have wanted to implement are outlined exactly in this download (I do have some professional experience dealing with difficult teens). In fact, the name of the program is EXACTLY the name of the program I gave to this issue 12 months ago! I could not believe it! The same name - how does that happen????? At this stage, it seems to me that the system of mother and son is too tightly defensive of him. I can see it is a generational thing as my partners mother likes to baby everyone and cannot tolerate independence - which my partner HATES. I get the IDEA of equal opinions, but if that were the case there would be no wise people and there would be no experts. Sometimes, maybe often, one partner sees things more clearly. And I know this will piss alot of people of, but it is well established that aspies are known for their rigid thinking, their negative thinking and their lack of insight into interpersonal matters. SO why do they think their opinion is EQUAL!!!!!!!! What is the issue in saying, "I am probably a bit blind in this area. How about we go with your approach." I mean I can acknowledge there are areas I don't know, why can't others???????????? I DID WARN YOU I WAS STEAMED....so that's off my chest now. On another note, I did realize something...... As I was writing the first post, I realized that the boy finds it difficult to structure his inner and outer world. I have no idea, and probably can't, how difficult it is. What I know is that he "chooses" the easy way 99% of the time. His responses (put downs) are easy, his living (PS4) is easy, his eating (rubbish) is easy, his sport (nothing) is easy. Admittedly, he is now doing well at a school and SEEMS to be putting in effort there. But in every other aspect of his life - EASY. My concern is that the default ,easy path creates "bad" habits, and makes him unpleasant to live with. I don't see him developing into a functional adult unless we intervene. Whereas, my partner holds to the position that he will gain skills as he grows older, we just have to tolerate and accept the way of the sloth in the meantime. We have seen a Specialist Psych about the issue 2 years ago and his advice was that my partner had to toughen up - strong mum, not the good ship lollipop. That advice seems to have gone out the window. OK...sorry guys. I know I am just blowing off steam and not being constructive. I'll come back later when I'm more ready to be proactive. Solly
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Hi folks, first time posting here.
I really am at a loss as to how to proceed with my situation.
I find myself in a relationship with beautiful woman who has many features of Asperger's and a son who has been diagnosed with Asperger's. It's taken a while, but I now know how they operate.
My difficulty is that my 15 y.o step son actually does NOTHING other than play computer games. His room is a tip, there are bloodied tissues on the floor, there are moldy bowls of food on the window sill, clothes are never put away, he takes no care at all. If I let him be, he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. As it is, he is so raucous when playing on line games there is nowhere in the house where one can relax. And his is always trying to get others to pick up after him.
His lack of taking responsibility drives me CRAZY. I come from a position that we are capable of more than we can imagine if we just try. So, you can see the clash of philosophies. His is, "do as little as possible," and mine is "do as much as possible." Mine is "grow through your limitations" and his is "don't think about it, just have fun." I mean I try, really try, to let him be the sloth he wants to be. But, sometimes I can't contain it and blow a fuse. Then I become the bad guy...I hate that.
And then his mother's brain short circuits and she just wants peace - so leave him be. But I fervently believe that the role of the parent is to teach, extend, challenge, support GROWING. I don't know how to support SLOTH. I really don't know how to support it. I know this sounds harsh, but I don't like him as the sloth. I just don't respect this behavior.
And now it is impacting on my relationship with his mother. She sees the 1% that he does and refuses to focus on anything else. She just sees her beautiful baby boy. I see a boy who chooses, and he does choose, to live a without regard to others and wants to be as unstructured as possible.
Now, I know that this is pretty typical of being ASPIE and I respect that being ASPIE is hard. My daughter is ASPIE and she thanks me for my parenting. Her perspective is that she is only as capable as she is because I have not accepted her limitations. I have challenged, supported and expected more from her. And now she is an optimistic learner who achieves to a high level.
So, what do I do? How do I navigate this family? I would love to hear some suggestions PLEASE..
thanking all in advance,
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