I’m not sure I agree with all the points made here but I do agree that the social worker may be counterproductive if their understanding of ADHD is rudimentary or out of date particularly if there is a question about the ADHD diagnosis. The OP hasn’t mentioned who gave the ADHD diagnosis or if his daughter is on any medication. In my experience social workers and psychologists have very different skill sets from a psychiatrist and at this point, if ADHD has been mentioned by either of these professionals but not given as an official diagnosis then it might be timely to have an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialises in adult ADHD to get an official yes or no either way. It is also worth asking about a Telehealth consult. I was diagnosed over a Skype style appointment and it made things a lot easier not to have to travel to and from an appointment plus I just felt more comfortable to talk about the details from my own home. I’m not sure that is helpful to think of this in terms of ‘other people won’t put up with it’ as this assumes it is entirely within her capacity to do better but if it is indeed ADHD then there will be times where her emotions are out of her control and that requires a different emphasis in the treatment offered. Understanding the emotional dysregulation as a neurological malfunction rather than a behavioural choice will be of much more help in the long run as the emphasis can be put on managing stress loads and communicating boundaries to help avoid the circumstances which can lead to the point of overwhelm. Things like prompts regarding eating, drinking and taking breaks from hyper focussed activity can make a huge difference. The fact that this tends to happen at home can be much more about the stress of white knuckling normal during the day. Time blindness and ‘out of sight out of mind’ accounts for the majority of the chasing my own tail which can lead to overwhelm. The other part of the puzzle is CBT and talking myself through the catastrophising, ... View more

Oh @serenity2b that sounds so rough, you must feel so powerless and conflicted and confused. I mostly just wanted to offer support because it is clearly challenging. I was diagnosed with ADHD in late adulthood so I’ve learnt a LOT about it and there are some important aspects which might help to understand. ADHD shares some symptoms with other things so misdiagnosis does happen but also multiple diagnoses can happen. People misunderstand ADHD as hyperactivity but what is a better description is hypersensitivity so we impulsively do things without having thought about them. It’s complex and a lot about emotions and overwhelm. There is a guy called Dr Russell Barkley who does some great lectures on YouTube about this but I would say he neglects to talk about the positives and there are positives.. but for now he might be able to help you understand things like rejection sensitivity (very easily hurt feelings, overthinking things); emotional dysregulation; time blindness etc. There may be other things at play too but I can see her behaviour as being explained by these and other aspects of ADHD.   I recommend you look up Dani Donovan who is an artist with ADHD. She has some great memes which you might recognise your daughter in. These memes made me feel like there was someone who finally understood what goes on in my head. The thing is the experience of ADHD is intense and passionate so you might be seeing emotional dysregulation and a kind of vicious Adrenalin/dopamine cycle. ADHD is described by some as having a dopamine pedal which doesn’t idle. It’s either pedal to the metal or off so even as kids we dopamine chase.. (sneak sugar where ever we can) and so that aspect could kind of reinforce any OCD. It does occur to me that sensory issues could be what she is trying to describe. I also had a lot of compulsive behaviour in my teens. So possibly she is hypersensitive to the sensation of water and once she is aware of it by either thought or the actual sensation she hyper focusses on that thought. I used to see spiderwebs and caterpillars in the dark as a kid.. just because of how our eyes react going from lit room to darkened room and my mind running wild.   Things which are important for me are that the people understand often what I need is just a prompt not a lecture. I basically just need one word to be reminded of the thing I’m forgetting and then to be left alone for a minute. If someone hovers around waiting I’m hyper aware and can’t think straight to do whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. Likewise music or a tv on when I’m trying to get packed up and go can completely throw me but it took me decades to work out that I needed to ask people to turn off the noise making 10mins before I have to walk out the door. A lot of those little things can be wearing me out without me being aware, it becomes a kind of white knuckle way to live and it’s stressful. If you are able to have chats during the good times ask her if there are any things which cause stress.. it might be about the pressure of being organised and visual prompts are golden for that.   I guess my tip is your gut feeling about not pushing things is probably experience talking and perhaps learning more about ADHD will help you understand what is going on when things don’t seem to make sense. I know most people just really do not understand how ADHD works at all so maybe watch stuff like dr Barkley’s lectures and Jess McCabe failing at normal TED talk to understand ADHD more and then ask her about what it is like for her.. keep in mind that the ADHD mind likes to analyse things so when she is telling you she can turn it on and off that still might not mean deliberate but more that completely unaware can switch to aware and perhaps embarrassed. Sort of related to what I did about prompts. The ADHD mind is a Ferrari with bicycle brakes so don’t be scared about sudden change of topic or tone. That agility is a much in demand strength when harnessed effectively.   What motivates us folks is novelty, challenge and urgency. We tend to do our best work in very demanding roles where you need a very active awareness and re is constant action eg first responder, child care (eyes in the back of your head), working with animals etc.    I think of ADHD overwhelm as like a computer that needs a defrag, demanding it to process a complex task can cause it to crash. Learning skills to reset will be invaluable. I love Iyengar yoga and guided meditations. There are heaps of apps around UCLA MARC has a good app.   So even though I wrote a lecture which darts all over the place I hope there is some useful info for you. You’re doing an amazing job, this stuff is hard and maybe your daughter has more of the answers than you think (I say that as a parent with a child who has ADHD too). If she tells you what she thinks she needs listen carefully, it took me a long time to realise my child often had a better idea than I did. The hardest part is calming our own overactive emotional response as much as possible. I found focussing on my own sense of emotional balance improved the situation quite a lot.  ... View more

Hiya, I was the queen of school refusal as a teenager. I had no idea why I couldn’t face school except that the only classes I liked were double periods. Single periods always felt like I’d only just gotten into the swing of the class and it was over. I was always forgetting where I had to be and never had the right books with me. In adulthood I was diagnosed with ADHD - inattentive type. Not suggesting this is what is the deal with your son, rather I wanted to suggest a website called lives in the balance dot com - learning how and why to do ‘plan B’ has been a game changer for me. Knowing about ‘plan C’ is a huge weight off my mind. Dr Greene also has a website called thekidswelose.com which has a preview of a film by the same name. It might be worth watching to see if it rings any bells for you and/or if it is something you could watch with your son to kind of signal that you understand school is really challenging for him and you want to help. There is lots of info on both websites and having been a mum who did not know I had ADHD trying to bring up a child I didn’t know had ADHD this is the support I wish I had at the time. It seemed like everyone was always telling me about being strong and consistent and ‘dealing with the behaviour’ but I now understand what was going on very differently. When things get as extreme as what you describe with your son there is a very good chance this isn’t behavioural but neurological - if that is the case then the only way to defuse the situation is to back away and give him space to calm down and the best time to discuss these things is when all is calm. It’s also surprising what kids will tell us if we talk about our own feeling eg I’ve had a crappy day, I missed the bus.. how was your day” rather than always focussing on them which can make them aware that helping each other is a two way street rather than always feeling like they are a problem everyone else is trying to fix. Best wishes. ... View more

This is an old post and you’ve probably moved on but I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone. I was considered a bright kid but my reports always said ‘could do better if tried harder’. When I hit my teens I felt like life was a roller coaster of emotion. A few decades later and I found myself reading about ADHD in women and girls. It turns out ADHD is not at all what I thought it was and it explains both the good bits and the sad bits of my life. I could put it in my own words but I think it is better just to say please consider this as a possibility. I recommend an organisation called Kaleidoscope (they have a women and ADHD 101 page). I also recommend ‘How to ADHD’ on youtube, Jess McCabe who does that channel has an excellent TED talk called ‘Failing at Normal’. For ADHD in a nutshell check out Dani Donovan’s memes. If you have ADHD there is a good chance you’ll see yourself in her memes. Ps one interesting thing is that folks with ADHD are apparently slightly more likely not to be heteronormative. Not everyone of course but quite often ADHD groups are really great safe spaces for anyone who is gender and/or sexuality diverse.  All the best with your parenting challenges   ps if you haven’t checked out Dr Ross Greene and CPS it is a wonderful framework designed specifically for dealing with challenges with explosive kids but which works for everyone imv because it is a respectful way to work through emotional obstacles. ... View more