Hi @Ilonija, I’m glad you’ve reached out for support and I can hear your distress in your voice. I’m so sorry you are going through this and it’s so hard when we’re doing our best and trying to give our kids the best opportunities and all we seem to get in return is attitude and abuse.    Your daughter sounds very angry which usually masks another emotion (fear, hurt, grief) and you’re her outlet. While I’ve found it helpful to understand this, words are still hurtful and over time can become unbearable.    My daughter has improved a lot but still can be very brutal in her moments. I no longer respond to abusive texts and to help my own sanity have blocked her number during times of persistent messages.    During calm times I’ve asked her why she’s so angry with me. If she says, for example, I’m always nagging, I ask how would she prefer I go about things. I just listen and ask questions and it usually comes down to ‘I’m not hearing her’ - which is usually what is upsetting me about her! I then ask her if she thinks the way she reacts to me is okay? I remind her I’m her Mum and I love her dearly and I’ll then tell her how I feel when she says this or doesn’t do that, keeping my language about how I feel, not placing blame.   We also discuss and agree on fair consequences and that way there are no surprises and no need for reactive consequences for which I was guilty in the heat of the moment.    This also sounded unfair to me to at first to be totally honest, but I was advised to apologise to my daughter when I got it wrong. It was hard at first and initially caught my daughter off guard, then I got the ‘yeah, you should be sorry’, but it didn’t take long before the apologies started coming back to me.   I think those things have helped us incredibly. It takes practice and I still mess up and yell sometimes but that’s okay, it’s how we repair that matters.    It’s all easy to write but you need to be in a place where you have enough energy and emotional capacity, so you need to look after you first. Do you anything for yourself that fulfills you? I started making mosaics just over a year ago - it’s been a saviour!    Be kind to yourself and I hope something I’ve shared can be of help      ... View more

Hi @Jess1-RO, @sunflowermom and @Schooner.   Thanks so much for your support and I am sorry for my whinge @Jay-RO. RO has been an awesome part of my life and it was quite rude of me.   I’ve wanted to respond for ages and keep losing confidence, but have been going downhill for a while, devastated by conversations with my daughter’s psychiatrist ages ago. Before my daughter’s first suicide attempt, she was told that she didn’t have bipolar, that her problems were my fault for not keeping her safe as a baby. As a result her amygdala didn’t form properly.  I made a complaint as, even if they did believe that to be true, what benefit did they think would come from telling a teen it’s all her mother’s fault? Especially my daughter, with the problems she has!   I went in on my own and met with the psychiatrist. I questioned her, seeing my daughter was a settled baby and had no issues until she was sexually abused at age 8. She backed herself and told me that babies are affected by violence and abuse, including in the womb. I was speechless and walked out of there shattered with a double whammy of guilt, that’s slowly eaten away at me.  I needed help so went to see a psychiatrist, and I questioned him about why I was blamed, with no blame on the father who was abusive, and he told me if the father hadn’t been in the picture all her life, who else’s fault could it be but mine? I got up and walked out, not wanting to make it home.   There is so much out there about domestic violence not being the woman’s fault, ever, so it’s knocked me and I’ve taken it very personally and feel completely invalidated as both a woman and a mother.    After all this time, I am going to try for help again with Mission Australia. I’ve decided the question I need to ask instead is how do I manage my feelings around what’s been said, and deal with the consequences it’s had at home!    My daughter dropped out of her online course unfortunately, but we found a self interest course at our local tafe she’s starting in Feb. It’s graphic design, so not what she wants to do long term but something she’ll enjoy. I just want her to get an achievement under her belt to give her some self confidence.   Best wishes for 2019! I hope all our kids struggle less and enjoy life more 😊   ... View more

Hi @sunflowermom, thanks for thinking of me. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. My closest friend died unexpectedly not long after my daughter's second suicide attempt and I'm just trying to keep myself above water. After receiving not a single word of support from anyone at RO after my daughter's last attempt and then the death of my friend, I've haven't been back on.  I need to look after my daughter and myself, and after being told that my daughter's counsellors won't consider intensive treatment for her because her issues are chronic and severe, we keep to ourselves, don't even see her counsellor anymore as she made my daughter think she wasn't capable of doing anything!    Dealing on my own, my daughter is studying again - only tafe online, but still studying. She now helps out around the house and our relationship is really strong, she talks with me about everything.    It's so upsetting having her mental health team having the attitude they do. My daughter made friends the first time she was admitted to a mental health facility, and they have both been back in because they mentioned to their psychologist they were feeling suicidal! My daughter spends 4 days in hospital after a serious attempt, yet we get the response we did.  I've grown envious of the help that seems to be there for those who can afford to pay for private psychologists.    I'm so sorry to read of the outcome from the facility your daughter went to and really feel for all you are going through. I wish you and your daughter all the best for a positive outcome  ... View more

Today for self care I coloured in a beautiful mandala template in my colouring book. ... View more

Thinking of you @sunflowermom  ... View more

I’m finding being mindful is really helping me get through at the moment. My closest friend of 30 years died unexpectedly on Wednesday night and I’ve really been struggling processing it. I haven’t been able to do my usual things but am very aware of looking after myself and dealing with my loss.  I’ve found colouring in is something I can manage as I work through the emotional roller coaster and waterworks, when I can’t do my mosaics, write, garden etc.    I’m acknowledging how I’m feeling, physically, mentally and emotionally, being really kind to myself at the moment and appreciating being my own friend.    My daughter is beautiful and keeps saying ‘it’s okay not to be okay mum’, which is true, so I’m trying to show the best example of coping when I’m not okay. I’m really benefiting from all I’ve learned about mindfulness as it’s helping me take care of my current needs. The thought process usually starts with acknowledging my mind is full I’ll admit, but I’m not getting stuck there. Focusing on my breathing even for 5 minutes does wonders.   So lots of mindful moments, and I can only hope my daughter learns more about mindfulness and coping from this          ... View more

I agree with you completely around this notion of perfection @Schooner and expecting it from ourselves and others. It’s unrealistic as even the closest of relationships require work and compromise.    And not everyone can aquire the type of job that can afford ‘the best’ of everything, which can send a negative message of one’s worth. But where would the world be without people doing the lower paid jobs?    We are ALL needed in this world for the diversity of what we have to offer, and if we can somehow get our teens to believe that, inclusive of themselves, I’d be stoked! ... View more

I’m so sorry this place wasn’t suitable for your daughter @sunflowermom, but hopefully you’ll find somewhere that will be. Either with young people or just females sounds much better.    It’s great you’re feeling more supported by your husband as well, that must make such a difference for you emotionally.    I hope your daughter can get the help she needs soon. Take care  ... View more

Hi there @CasaPacifica, welcome to the forum! Being an Australian based service we use Australian resources for our parents on ReachOut. While we don’t promote members websites we welcome you as a parent to contribute to the conversations and share your personal experiences raising teens.      ... View more

It is such a heartbreaking time for you @sunflowermom, and I hope now your daughter can get some specialised care and turn things around for herself. These times can be the hardest, yet the most life changing at the same time, and know we’re here to support you navigating your way through.    It is some respite for you too and hopefully through all of this there’ll be some healing for the whole family.   Thinking of you      ... View more

Thank you so much for your contributions @Schooner, @sunflowermom and @Erin-RO.    Modelling a healthy relationship with ourselves sounds like the most positive way to encourage our teens to do the same, which does follow the general parenting ideal that kids will do as we do doesn’t it?    I think the point you’ve raised @Erin-RO about teaching our kids that success isn’t gained without setbacks, mistakes and ‘failures’ is a really important one too. Social media does make this difficult I’ve found because people tend to glamourise their lives to the world which sends out unrealistic messages of ‘the perfect life’ without these hardships.    I praise or thank my daughter when it’s due, even for little things, to hopefully get her to see more positive than negative in her. A simple ‘good job hunny’ or ‘thank you for...’ is all I say as my daughter’s see’s through exaggerated or ‘unworthy’ praise too.    I can’t say if it’s working or not either @Schooner because my daughter’s so unhappy, but  I do think about how she would be if she didn’t have those moments that make her eyes flicker bright and a half smile appear for a second. So I do believe it helps        ... View more

My daughter loves sweet food too @Dakotah and as much as I limit it at home, it’s hard when she can go to the shops and buy rubbish. I’m with you, I don’t think it helps with my daughter’s mood, or her health.  That’s fantastic that you’ve seen a positive change in your way of thinking. I’m keen to try a different way of eating and see the benefits  ... View more

Hi @Dakotah, I’m sorry to hear your daughter is struggling and self harming. It’s fantastic that you are so proactive in finding help and I’d be really keen to hear how you go.   My daughter is taking medication, but I’m currently reading a book by Dr Michael Mosley called “The Clever Guts Diet” which was given to me by a friend of my mum’s who has suffered with depression most of her life. She swears changing her diet has made an immense improvement to her mental health.  I’m finding it really interesting and had no idea how much of a role our digestive system plays towards our natural chemical make up!  ... View more

Hi @pru696, welcome to the forum. You are clearly a very loving and supportive stepmum and your stepdaughter and fiancé are lucky to have you in their team    I can imagine the fears your fiancé has and resources such as QLife and Twenty 10 that can provide some specialised support for families with teens negotiating gender identity, and teens themselves.    I don’t have any personal experience to share myself but you are not alone - I’ve linked you in with another post here that you might find helpful to have a read through.    Let us know how you get on    ... View more

Thank you @sunflowermom, it really was lovely.    A new day is always something to be grateful for  I hope there were some smiles in your day @sunflowermom ... View more

Thank you so much for your support @sunflowermom, particularly when you are going through such a heartbreaking time yourself.    This latest news must’ve been absolutely devastating to hear and I can only imagine how you are processing it all. I’m so glad therapy went well - your daughter must be emotionally exhausted as well, and as you say, it’s likely to be a huge relief in a way for her too. It’s not news you want to hear but the positive is now you know what’s going on and so can get the help needed.     I do hope there is justice for your daughter, and that she can get on a less destructive path, and one where she can learn to value all the wonderful things about herself and find peace with herself.    Your question is such a good one - “How do I just help this child build her self worth?”   I was thinking it’d be a great topic to start to get ideas from the community, so will put something together.    Please take care of yourself. I know self care can feel hard to do during the times we need it most, but even 10 minutes of meditation or breathing exercises can be of help      ... View more

Today for self care I had some creative time. ... View more

Today I’m grateful my daughter is home from hospital and wanted to spend the day with me.  ... View more

I can only imagine how heartbreaking and worrying this news must’ve been for you @sunflowermom. It’s a really helpless feeling seeing our girls self destructing and unable to see their own worth. My heart goes out to you, and I really hope your daughter’s therapy session was productive for you both and gave you a direction from here.   The future does feel very frightening, I very much feel the same for my daughter’s future. I heard something today that gave me some hope though. “The kids that make it through these times are those who have a parent whose arm is around their shoulder, telling them ‘It’s okay, I’ll walk this path with you’.”  I know we sometimes really struggle walking that path with them, but the bottom line is that we are. I hope gives you some hope too, that just by being the loving mum you are is doing your daughter a lot of good.    I hope you can use your meditation area after work to help soothe the pain. Being in a safe, calming place allows me to settle enough to have a good cry which always makes me feel a little less bruised and battered.    My daughter was medically cleared and came home Tuesday night finally. She needs follow up liver function tests done next week but she should recover completely. Her mental state is comparatively better which is good.    You’re in my thoughts  ... View more

Thank you so much for your encouraging words @sunflowermom. The regrets - it’s really awful thinking back to that point that in hindsight we realise we should’ve done things differently.  I have a bowl of these little cards, all with just one word on each. I picked out 2 on Saturday - Communication, and Beauty. Communication was a no brainer but I’m still trying to figure out the Beauty.    I’m so glad my daughter texted me when she did too. I panicked, then was frustrated because they couldn’t do anything for 4 hours, then couldn’t stop crying which was very embarrassing in ER.    I agree our hearts are chipped away at, and I think that contributes to us reaching our breaking points. Seeing your counsellor is a really good idea, and I’m going to do the same. Let’s make that part of our self care plan.    Keep in touch and let us know how you and your daughter are going. I’ll be thinking of you too  ... View more

Hey @Worrisome, I’m so glad to hear that home schooling has seen an improvement in your daughter’s mental health. That must be hugely relieving for you. School wasn’t the right fit for my daughter either, and you’re so right, we just want to do what we can to see our kids happy and healthy.   It would be a big sacrifice for you. Are there any support groups for parents who home school? I was just thinking it might be a great place to find tips and suggestions to help make the prep etc a bit easier and more time efficient.    Parenting is a tough job, and hope is so important but can get easily clouded by our worry and fears for our kids. I’m glad ash3826’s perspective has given you some hope back    ... View more

Oh @sunflowermom, what a frightening and heartbreaking situation to be in and I’m so so sorry to hear. You’re an incredible mum and your reaction to your daughter’s words is completely understandable, and doesn’t change the fact that you are such a wonderful mum.    I’ve been dealing with similar feelings of guilt and sadness as I also lost it on Saturday. My depression has been affecting me and I got upset at my daughter for not helping out, who then turned around and metaphorically stuck the knife in, blasted my insecurities, which got me to screaming at the top of my lungs too. All this while I was in the shower, and I got out and she was gone, phone switched off. 90 minutes later I get a desperate apologetic text - she’d attempted suicide again, had me speeding to kfc to get her from the bathroom and off to hospital, where she still is. I’m heartbroken, but also dealing with anger and sadness because this wasn’t how it was meant to be!! I can totally relate to those feelings you have and ashamedly my feelings are because I feel like I’m failing at the most important job I’ve ever had and I’m not coping with that. In my screaming I said to my daughter I shouldn’t have been a mum. I screwed up really badly!!    I’m wondering where we go from here too. My daughter and I have had a bit of a chat and said our apologies, and she’s mentally doing ok now but I’m not. When she comes home we’ll have a good talk and I’ll explain myself and my reaction to her. But I’m scared - is this going to be what she does if we argue?    And I am sorry to hijack your thread! I was going to start another but after reading your post I really felt connected with you and what you’ve been through. I’ve been dragging myself over the coals but then I try and think “is that what you’d say to a parent on the forum? No! Well stop being so judgemental towards myself.” Easier said than done as we’re our own harshest critics.    Please take some some time out for yourself and be kind to yourself. Parenting isn’t easy and we all have our breaking point, and hearing your daughter would do anything she needed to survive on the street is frightening and panic is a completely understandable reaction.    Sending you love and big hugs      ... View more

My daughter and I sometimes play the Wii. My daughter bought herself an XBox when she was working and has that in her room and does play solo and online. She also likes The Sims that she plays on her computer.    Being home all the time and mainly in her room, I’m amazed to say my daughter balances her gaming time really well with her other interests, so I’m lucky to not have to battle over restrictions. I might just touch wood on that one...   My perception of ‘healthy’ gaming is gaming that doesn’t interfere with usual daily activities, like eating, sleeping, hygiene, real life friendships, other interests etc. When gaming starts affecting ‘normal’ life and causes spiked anger when interrupted, I perceive that to be ‘unhealthy’ gaming.    Keen to hear other’s experiences and opinions!  ... View more

Hey @shelby71, this must be an awfully tough time for you and your daughter, and I’m so sorry for your loss you’ve both suffered. My heart goes out to you both.   Grief can be a fickle emotion that we all process and handle in different ways, and it does sound like your daughter is still trying to come to terms with losing her dad. It can be so frustrating when we as parents can see the benefits in counselling to help us manage, but   our teens aren’t trusting, or ready for help.   I had an interesting conversation with my cousin today about grief which I thought I’d share. She was telling me that her 24 year old son snapped at her, incredibly angry with her for separating from their dad. The first word about any upset of his, 13 years after the separation. She’s tried to talk with him about seeing someone but he won’t, not ready to deal with it yet. He’s been angry for a long time but kept the cause to himself for so long.   It can be a very hard line to find, because while the acting out and poor behaviour isn’t okay and needs boundaries and consequences, the reasons behind the behaviour need care and understanding as well. I’ve had the same battle since my daughter suffered a trauma so I get how heartbreaking and frustrating the behaviour can be at the same time!    I find self care helps me manage the ups and downs of parenting. Do you have things you do just for you that make you feel good?  ... View more

Today for self care I did stretching exercises - it felt really good  ... View more

Today I’m grateful for having had brunch with my beautiful cousin.  ... View more

I really love what you said @Sunshine6 - “If we support them to build a relationship with themselves beyond their achievements then they can up days and down days, they can succeed and fail without it defining them”  I couldn’t agree more or have articulated it better, thank you for sharing with us.   What did your daughter think @sunflowermom? With all you’ve had going on I understand if it was a conversation that wasn’t priority    ... View more

Hey @sunflowermom, how are you feeling now? I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s pregnancy scare. I can totally relate to how you were feeling, and I think it’s okay to withdraw from the situation to get ourselves together again. It must be frustrating carrying the load on your own, and we have our limits. You’re so right though, we seem to somehow pull it together and keep going! Belated hugs, and extras in case you’re in need now    And welcome @1stressedmum, I’m glad you’ve found us - a safe place to share and be supported. I really wanted to assure you as well that your daughter self harming is not your fault. I have felt the same though, and wondered what I’m doing wrong for my daughter to be self harming again. It’s hard not to feel guilty as a parent, whether it’s rational or not I’ve found!    I think it’s reasonable to have a talk with your daughter around safety. It is great that she did text but I can appreciate you want to know she’s safe. I just try to keep the lines of communication open and have told my daughter that her safety is my priority over whether she’s been drinking or smoking, and I can only hope she’ll call me if she ever needs to while out. It is difficult letting go and allowing them to make some mistakes, but if they know we’re there to support them through whatever happens I think that’s often the best we can do at this age.   Hang in there, and remember we’re here to support you      ... View more

Hi @Chocolate, I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s mental health issues and struggles with school. You sound like a really loving parent who has tried many avenues for help for your daughter. It can be so worrying when our kids stop attending school, but I was really relieved to find out my daughter isn’t the only one!    My daughter’s now 16 and did the end of Year 9 then Year 10 via distance education due to mental illness and school refusal. The support from teachers was fabulous, and although my girl wouldn’t attendthem, the school held study groups, had social days etc where students could meet and socialise.  Teachers kept in contact via phone and email with my daughter, and her head teacher rang me every now and then to give me an update or if any assessments were late. If my daughter wasn’t managing because of her mental health issues they worked with us really compassionately and I found all the teachers to be so understanding with teens like mine.    My daughter lost all but one of her friends from high school, however she did keep up with tennis once a week and enjoys her friends and social time there. She also worked at McDonalds for a while and made new friends there as they employ so many young people.  It’s great that your daughter would still attend drama classes, and if she can still catch up with friends after school or on weekends, hopefully that will maintain her friendships.    It does feel like a big decision, but remember that if you choose to go the distance ed route, if it’s not working for your daughter for whatever reason, she can always go back to school. My daughter had a dual enrolment for many months with her local high school and the distance ed school, so you could look at doing the same while you trial distance ed.   All the best!  ... View more