This is a tough one. Miss 14 started doing the same thing last year and I didn’t realise how bad her depression and illness was. She was so rude to me all the time and in public that family members were calling out her behaviour. The defiance was definitely part of her cry for help. On reflection I see she was angry with me that she was in so much pain and suffering and felt like she had to protect me from the knowledge she was suicidal. Once that all came out, her anger started to subside. I began listening more, being in tune with her moods and I got better at responding appropriately. Ps my daughter also started self harming at 12 and is also very strong willed. I think they act destructively because deep down they are so angry. Perhaps get to the root of why she is so angry. And if she says, I hate you and you suck and more blame words, then say, ‘okay what else?’ Don’t react or get mad with whatever she says. Eventually she might tell you what the real anger is about. And she will be angry that you’re not getting upset at her. But she will eventually see that you can take whatever she says and stand strong, and that you have her back. And she might tell you that she doesn’t know why she’s messed up. But the point is she sees you are not judging and providing a safe space for her to be her. ... View more