I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing with your daughter's depression. It's important to remember that her behavior likely manifests her pain and struggles. Encourage her to seek professional help, such as therapy or book a psychologist, and let her know you're there to support her. Taking care of your well-being during this challenging time is also crucial. ... View more

Hello @siennaV11 , sorry to hear that you feel frustrated at times when your daughter does not pick up after herself or keep areas tidy. I can understand the irritation that comes with needing to clean up after others and their mess. It is quite reasonable for you to want her to also do her part and help with keeping areas around the house clean and tidy. It’s great that you will be having a discussion with your daughter so that you can raise your concerns and discuss these with your daughter and hopefully see some changes.   When it comes to modifying behaviours, it is really important that we are consistent with the reinforcements that are provided. This means that the same reinforcement should be provided when faced with a certain behaviour. For example, when your daughter does clean up after herself, it is important that a positive reinforcement is provided such as recognition of her behaviour by saying “good job” to her. Positive reinforcements are much more effective than punishment as they reinforce desired behaviours and can lead to consistent changes in behaviour. Also, your reaction should be consistent with her behaviour, so if she decides to not clean up after herself, it is best that you try not to clean up after her but instead give her a gentle reminder and provide positive reinforcement when she does clean it up. If you do clean up after her, she may then not be motivated to continue to clean up after herself as she may think that it will be cleaned up whether she leaves it or not.   You might also find talking with your daughter openly about the reasons why you would like her to clean up and pitch in to be helpful as having an open and honest conversation might encourage your daughter to be open with you about why she has found changing her habits to be difficult so far. Changing behaviours can be quite challenging, but it can be done. Hope this helps! ... View more

@Kmcdani5 it is really tough seeing your young people go through hard times, but I totally agree that it can be really helpful to find ways to turn to other parents for support and understanding.  ... View more

Hi @pd417,   Welcome to ReachOut and thank you for making your first post. I am really sorry to hear that schooling has been challenging for your son. You mentioned that he is seeking the support of an educational therapist, are you able to tell us a bit more about what that entails? We would love to learn more about what the role of an educational therapist and how they can support kids struggling at school.   Sometimes young people turn to acting out in class as a stage or socially, and then there are some others who do when there are other things happening in their lives that may be overwhelming or that they are struggling to cope with. Has your son seen the school counsellor or an outside counsellor before to help make sense of what is happening at the moment?   If he is not willing to see someone, it can be helpful for you to speak with a health professional about what is happening at school and see if they have any advice or ideas to offer.    What are your thoughts? Check back in with us when you can  ... View more

@chrissi226. This is an old post much more happened since. He certainly doesn’t need a panic button or safe zones created but thanks for the reply ... View more

Thank you. Yes I think I’m probably over worrying - although I think he’d like his friends to be a little more proactive! Hopefully this will come - they are all very “young” 14 year olds, not into parties or anything. ... View more

Hi Fineline,   Your son has a lot of positives. He has you (who love him dearly otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum), he has friends and he enjoys school. He is also willing to see his psychologist.    I'm wondering, would it be possible for one of his school mates to drop by on their way to school? This might encourage your son to get up and ready. Possibly he is not lazy (aside from normal adolescent lethargy) but his sluggishness and difficulties with motivation could be the depression or medication side effects (?)   You mentioned that your son became "aggressive'....was this physical or verbal? Either way, make sure you are safe. The fact that your son was "perfectly fine" 2 hours later could be an indication that his medication effects vary at different times. Maybe he needs to go to school a bit later?   You are doing an amazing job but look after YOU too. ... View more

Hi @SASpurs67, just a quick bit of housekeeping: we have removed a link from your post. As part of our community guidelines we ask that people contact us here to ask permission before posting any links. We ask that you please do not edit your post to include links again, or we may need to remove the functionality that allows you to edit your posts.   Secondly, I can totally understand how hard it must be for you to discover that the openness and trust that you thought you shared with your son isn't always there. It is important that you talk with your son about this, and I really like @motherbear's idea of making sure that the chat is soft and casual. This will help your son to participate in the conversation and keep him from raising his guard and shutting down.   Please let us know how you're going. ... View more

Hey @Shadow, it's great to have you here, a big welcome to you    Thank you for sharing with us. I completely understand how you're feeling and it's completely understandable. It sounds like it's been a long, hard road and it does feel brutal when they abuse us for our efforts. I agree with @Nick-RO that they do it because we are a safe place for them to work things out. I don't accept the abuse and being put down though and I feel it's completely okay to set boundaries around that. Our case worker explained to me that the vile things coming out of my daughter's mouth were a reflection on what she was thinking and feeling about herself. Knowing that does help me realise that it's more about her than me. It doesn't make it okay, but it gave me understanding around the behaviour.     I can highly recommend the parent coaching @Nick-RO mentioned, and I encourage you to check it out. The coach can help you in setting those boundaries and also setting consequences. It helped me communicate wth my daughter about us setting some house rules which has been so useful.    It's fantastic you think you may have found the right person for your son. It can take time because there needs to be a connection for the counselling to work, so good on you for not giving up. I had the same issues with my daughter because she would test them and see how they reacted to her - similar to your son, she needs support but also to be called out and challenged in her thinking and reactions.    And good on you for seeking our family supports. It can be so beneficial and help you guys manage your way through this and remain strong as a family unit. It's very taxing, and when your energy levels are low, it's difficult to remain calm and be patient. We're human after all.    I wonder if the girls are the means to something that makes your son feel good about himself? It's great that you're talking to him about it and the effect it may have on the girls. Does he have a sister? I wonder if asking how he'd feel if his sister was treated in that way, would give him a different perspective on it?    You're doing an awesome job and the love you have for your whole family radiates from your posts.        ... View more

Hey @Mum25, I'm sorry we missed you tonight! I'll tag you again next week. We're in NSW on daylight saving time, so I hope that wasn't an issue for you!   I hope you were still able to get something from tonights chat  ... View more

Hi @RJ54321, I just wanted to let you know that my son too was struggling with school and in the end he couldn't continue.  My husband and I felt it best that he not go and I had a few months off work.  I just hung out at home with with him not doing much or speaking much to each other either.  We tried psychologist and psychiatrist etc.. but he wouldn't engage.  On reflection I think was relieved to be allowed to just stay at home and I would only be guessing about what, possibly pressure at school who knows because he still doesn't talk about it.  I understand that you will be focusing on this 24/7 and can't stress enough how important it is for you to well rested.  Please keep us posted on what's happening and if there are any other questions or advice you need please reach out. ... View more

Hi @LovingThruBlue  it must be incredibly hard coping with everything on your own. Hope things improve for you and your family soon x ... View more

Hi @Joeys_Mum, I too have a 19 year old son struggling mentally and he will not seek help.  Presently I cook for him and clean his room.  That's about it.  He does his own washing, he has no friends and spends all his time in his room.  We are planning a Christmas holiday and he has showed an interest in coming along and the family are hopeful this will happen.  I feel lost and not sure were this is headed but have developed much patience.  This is a tricky age because they are adults and parents have lost control.  I see myself as a carer for now and am grateful that I can still support him. ... View more

Hey @Chalke5, nothing to offer from the counselling session. I left pretty much at the start. Sorry! ... View more

Hi @Oxford-1999 your story sounds very familiar.  My son also experienced a psychotic episode at 15.  He is now 19.  I have done much research and difficulties usually arise when the individual doesn't engage in treatment.  My son never engaged and we tried everything.  Patients is the key here and I understand the enormous pressure the situation will be having on you and your family.  I admit we had outpatient treatment at CAMHS and the school was really helpful by altering his schedules however, in the end he couldn't cope and recovery for him meant just being at home.  If there are any other questions I can help with bring it on I am willing to share my story and road to recovery with you. ... View more

I’ve definitely had challenges with my kids, but something that has worked well for me is to take the time when they make a mistake and use it as a learning opportunity. I think many parents forget how important just listening and being interested is.  All you have to do is make your kids feel like they’re really important and be interested in their lives. A great way to bond is by learning together too…  ... View more

Great thanks ... View more

Hi @Jurluk, thank you for sharing your concerns. Raising teens can be quite perplexing at times, and I think @Ngaio-RO has given some great insight into teens. Remembering the things Ngaio has pointed out really helps me to have more understanding as to how my daughter sees the world and her place in it.   I completely understand your concerns and the reasons you're so worried. The language thing is something I find a bit confronting at times. Hoes seems to be what the girls call their girlfriends. We've just had the conversation here, as my daughter has 2 friends sleeping over tonight. They were in the kitchen getting their pizza, and were having the conversation around hoes before bro's, but then they also call each other bro, so were discussing whether they were hoes or bros to each other, neither was insulting to any of them. My input - call me bro anyday! Who wants to be called a hoe?? But I'm old and don't understand apparently! Luckily these girls do support each other and look after each other, so I have to understand it's different terminology, nothing more with this lot.    With posting photos we can only teach them respect for themselves and try and get them to understand that photos can be distributed and can stay online forever. I'd suggest having that conversation with your daughter so she understands the implications and possible consequences of posting photos online.    My suggestion would be to leave any conversations until you get home. Your daughter may feel shamed or embarrassed as you're on holidays with others. I find if I tell myself I have a plan of action, it makes it a little easier to put aside until a more appropriate time. Try and enjoy the last few days of your holiday and the company of your friends.    It is a huge benefit of the forum, reading other people's situations and knowing we're not alone in our struggles, as our kids aren't in theirs. Thank you so much for contributing.   We're starting up a chat night for parents which is kicking off this Friday 6th at 8pm (EDST). We'd love you to join in if you're home by then. The link is here if you're available to join us. It's running each Friday night at the same time if you can't join us this week.  ... View more

Hi @LovingThruBlue, I'm sorry to hear this news.  Please let us know how you get on with the doctor.  Thinking of you.  ... View more

A ten year old child has a lot of growing and maturing to do in the next few years, so in my humble opinion, I'd take care with the losing weight business. I'd be inclined to make just a few changes, in the direction of eating healthy foods rather than necessarily losing weight. I also am overweight, and so was my daughter when she was 10. I thought I was doing the right thing by losing weight with her, but she couldn't stop and developed anorexia, That was even more scary. Your child is likely to gain a reasonable bit of height in the next few years, so take it easy. ... View more

Our 18 yr old is desperately behind in graduating from high school. He has had issues with school all along, and we sent him to an "unschool" for 3 years, which was far too long Now he is in an alternate school, which allows kids to study at their own pace. Unfortunately his pace seems to be doing a day's worth of study in a week. He is bright, but very unmotivated. He is on antidepressant meds, and in psychological councelling. I have no idea how to get him to step up the pace. For university-educated parents, seeing our kids heading towards a life where they are likely to be failed McDonald's servers is bloody hard. I am despairing of both my kids right now. We have discussed this with both boys (the other is 15 and slightly better off school-wise, but worse behaviourally), pointing out that though we love them dearly, there is absolutely no way we can support them much beyond 20. Our working lives are nearing their ends (we are older parents) and we are unlikely to be able to support ourselves in any kind of comfort, never mind them. The younger took this to heart, and worked harder for 2 whole days, then back to old habits of not attending school if he could help it. We have told him his pocket money is now going to be entirely dependent on his school attendance, and completion of household chores. We are going to have to do something similar with the older. I don't know, I just see them living on the streets or something, just not coping with life once they leave home. I don't understand how we have failed them so thoroughly. ... View more

I love this too! Thanks for sharing @Ngaio-RO  ... View more

 Today being the day, R U OK?   My daughter talks A LOT, and I find she is quite open to letting me know when things aren't good via her sullen behaviour. If she's in her room, that's usually her process space so grunts or one syllable 'words' are given, but she's more open to talking if we're in the car, or funnily enough, mainly whilst I'm in the shower!    My tone of voice and choice of words determines whether she'll talk descriptively or just tell me she hates life. She can pick my mood, so I have to make sure when I ask, I'm ready for the conversation, or she will shut it down. It works when I say things like, 'you seem really sad" (or whatever it is that I see) and will offer her a hug first up. It fails if I ask her 'what's wrong with you?' It's hard to get it right every time.    @Chalke5  it must be hard for you mum's of boys - I'm sure it's easier getting girls to talk. Females generally like to share, especially with their mums. Do the boys ever talk to their dad about things? Do you think we can teach boys to open up more or do you think it's a general gender difference? ... View more

Thank you so much @Mamarose and @mazzyb for sharing your experiences.  We are huge supporters of LGBTQIA young people here at ReachOut, particularly because, as you describe, they often have such a difficult experience during their adolescence that they deserve all the support and care that can be given to them.   We'd love you to share your story with us. If you click here it will take you to a new thread. The more stories we share of parents doing a great job raising young people who are transitioning, the more we can become a community where parents having this experience can get support and learn how to provide support to their teenager.   And please, any great services or resources you've used, let us know. :)  ... View more

Hi Chalker5, thank you, yes we talk to him all the time we sit him down and go through it all with him and he sits there and nods and agrees but doesnt last long. Yes we have tried to get him an apprenticeship, went for a day, employer advised that he wasn't what they were looking for, so back to school he went. So he got a bit depressed but snapped out of it, he was refereeing rugby through winter, half way through season he dislocated his knee which needed surgery and only just getting back to normality, so that hasn't helped either.   ... View more

Thanks @Jammy for your encourgement and advice. It's a shame our local (and I mean the whole state atm!) health services are lacking psychiatrists. Funding cut from our capital for training position, crises with one in the next largest city, and none here at all. So likelyhood of finding a child psychiatrist is slim to none. Will try to get him into a private one about and hour and half away, but waiting list is 6 months. It is quite funny( not) all the spending that is put into advertising to encourage people to get help for mental health...but no available services. 😕 ... View more

So I had to leave last night so couldn't finish the wrap Thankyou Lauren for your time and wisdom :) @Ngaio-RO my son is 13 and he is becoming quite involved in an offshoot site that is dedicated to chatting about a certain game on roblox ( I think ) - he is taking a bit of a leadership role in some way - and in this case I think that stuff can be quite self esteem building . As long as it doesn't all go pear shaped But yes he has made YouTube videos of his roblox sessions and is right Into the community I prefer that to hours of looking at people's snapchat stories and Instagram brags haha ... View more

Hi all , thanks for the suggestions . I have spoken to his mother and reading between the lines the parents have been inconsistent with their boundaries and discipline . They also acknowledge they need to do more to make him accountable .  They have allowed him to sit around and accepted his refusal to do chores or exercise .  I am keeping in touch with them !      ... View more

Hi Chalke5, Many thanks for sharing your experience! I greatly appreciate it! I think my 16 year old is debating the option that your son has chosen too. He is in year 10 and is looking forward to next year when he can focus on what he is interested in. He has a very high IQ and is very good at filtering out! I presume that makes our boys good at sports. However, education prefers the all rounders and those who comply easily and get on with what the authorities and the curriculum demands. So fingers crossed for next year as it will be the make or break for us too.. I think I have settled now with the thought as I know doesn't matter what career they get into in life! As long as they take it seriously, I'm sure they will excel in that too. ... View more

Hi @steph, I relate so well to your instinct to help (i.e fix it, with me!), your awareness of not wanting to take away your son's choices or wants, and not wanting to look like the over-involved parent to potential employers. You're so not alone there, I wanted you to know.    My daughter's 15 and started working a few months ago, after many knockbacks. She has anxiety, bipolar and PTSD, has lived in her bedroom for the last 18 months, then got a job at a fast food restaurant!! She was excited, I was freaking out on the inside and could see this going very badly. My desire to call them to explain about my daughter ilnesses so they'd understand if she had any issues was so strong. I decided to talk to my daughter about it, and she told me she had it under control, she'd actually spoken to her manager herself, for the same reasons I'd wanted to.   She did have a bit of an episode a couple of weeks ago, and has only had 1 shift a week since, down from 4-5. Again, I want to call and find out why, but my daughter says she wants to deal with it.    So for me, I've decided to let my daughter handle it. If she needs me to step in, I will, but I'm trying to allow her some life experience.    I've been amazed and chuffed at how my daughter's managing it all, and I'm learning to trust her sensibilities.    You should be proud that your son has no issues with his birth mark, you've done a wonderful job. I grew up with a 'beauty spot' on my face, which I don't really notice. It was a bit of a shock finding out in my early 20's that it was actually a mole, haha. My mum had always told me it was my beauty spot that made me special, similar to what your son's grown up thinking about his birth mark. It's great!    I like @AeroGirl's suggestion about spreading the word about your son wanting to work. Word of mouth is a great way to advertise! Would your son be happy with you asking around for him?   I think the best way to help your son not lose his confidence, is to keep reminding him of the real difficulties in finding work faced by society. It is disheartening not hearing back or being knocked back, but it's nothing personal against him. We never know what's waiting for us around the corner  ... View more