Hey @NM74616
Firstly, I just want to validate that it sounds like you’re doing an INCREDIBLE job at being present for your son. It takes some true love, care, and value to put that time and effort into supporting your son as best as you can. There are a few things you mentioned I wanted to touch upon and I’d love to hear what you think: It sounds like one of the major difficulties is in trying to find the right balance between respecting their independence and how and what you want to do to support them. On one hand, it sounds like you feel by being too involved, it’ll push them away, but on the other, you can recognise what could help, and want to offer input to them about it. There’s no black/white answer to what the right thing here is, except to say you’re doing a really good job because you said yourself that they trust you enough to tell you, and that’s a testament that you are in fact a reassuring space for them.
Secondly, in the way I’m reading what you wrote, I can’t help but hear that old adage “you can lead a horse to water, but can’t force them to drink it”. You’re right, 18 is quite a milestone age and they are going through some major changes in almost all aspects of life. In trying to answer your question “what can you say to an 18-year-old to convince them they can overcome what’s going on?”, I can empathise that it feels really difficult to figure that out, but it may not necessarily be about telling/saying anything, but about continually being that safe space for them, and if they find the capacity and desire to want to work on things, that you are available and ready. Perhaps it’s once again a reflection of where is the balance that works for both of you? That leads onto my next question. What do you find helps you connect with your son? Do you do any sort of activities together or is it just talking?
Finally, your own personal experience has given you such unique perspective and insight into what depression can look like, and I hear you when you just want to share what helped you overcome those challenges and offer your son the help where you otherwise didn’t have any growing up. In reading your post, I can sense that in writing it, there were such charged and overwhelming emotions. I hope that by writing it, there is a sense of catharsis that you can share that burden. I wish I could more thoroughly answer your queries, but perhaps someone else may have some good input, here.
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