This is from a Dad’s perspective who has been in a very similar situation. I am only going to use the details you provided in the post. From reading the situations you provided it sounds to me that you are going out of your way to exclude his son. You start off by saying “you literally cannot stand your stepson”. You then say his presence in “my home” makes him feel like and intruder followed by he is not a “bad” kid. It sounds to me that the issue is jealousy on your part, not so much because of your stepson, but what your stepson represents, and that’s your husband’s previous relationship. Your stepson is half of your ex. Does your husband have an amicable relationship with his ex? Or does she cause him/you constant grief? Usually the later will cause the new spouse to resent the children involved. I also am hearing that you are going out of your way to exclude him. What reason would you have to not include his name on the Christmas card? Why not include him in everything? You don’t mention if your child comes and goes on the weekend, but do you make sure that the 9yo is included in everything? I do agree that a 14 yo can make his own bowl of cereal, in that same breath so can a 9yo. What your husband sees is the effort you made to show attention to your son and not his. If he lives 1.5 hours away that’s 6 hours a weekend he is spent driving. I use to have the exact same situation. My kids lived hour away. I would leave Friday at 4pm to go pick them up by 5. Drive hour back and get home around 6-6:15. Make dinner clean up etc etc and it’s usually 8-9 and ready for bed (I wake up for work at 4 am). So I got Saturday and Sunday every two weeks to spend with them. Before taking them back Sunday by 5pm. So basically I had about 16 hours of quality time I was able to spend with them before taking them back to there mother where she would have them for the next 336 hours before I got to see them again. Your stepson is part of your husband. When you decided to MARRY not fall in love you decided to take all of him. I don’t hear any behavioral issues from the stepson, just that you don’t like him for whatever reason. You are an adult. Your stepson didn’t get the choice for you to be his stepmom, but you did choice to be his stepmom though!
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