I feel absolutely desolate. My husband and I have been together 15 years. In that time we have had 3 children - they are now 13, 8 and 1. I have done 90% of the parenting, housekeeping and family management in this time. I have also done it mostly alone because my husband has mental health issues after a traumatic childhood of repeated and prolonged sexual assaults. I also come from trauma as my childhood was deprived and physically/mentally/sexually abusive. Our kids are doing really quite well against the odds! They are happy and thriving and healthy. However, the toll it has taken on me to do this has been enormous. I am obese, I have heart disease, I have anxiety and depression, I have suicidal ideation. I do see a counsellor and have for several years now and it has helped. But because we have no family and no friends (this has been something I need to work on as I tend to shun even the idea of making friends) and no connections at all except for my counsellor. My husband works abroad about half the year so Im completely alone most of the time. I have nothing left in the tank. Somehow I manage to drag myself through every single day but its an empty feeling and its not a fulfilling life at all. I adore my children and Im so glad they are here but motherhood has been disappointing and has mostly made me miserable. I wish I was one of those mums who felt fulfilled by it.  I want to study, or do something but I just cant handle it mentally. My 18 month old daughter hardly sleeps. She goes to bed at 11pm and wakes up at around 8am and has short naps during the day. Im also pretty sure she may have some autistic traits as she has shown some concerning behaviours like hand flapping and walking on her tiptoes exclusively. They are holding off on assessing her just yet as they want her to be a bit older. I dont know what I hope to achieve by writing this tbh. I suppose I just want to get it out there. Everyone I do know (acquaintances from school mostly) says how I have it altogether. PPft if only they knew. I am a mess.  Thanks x ... View more