Teen daughter possible PDA, school refusal

[Amethyst_19]

My daughter is nearly 16, diagnosis of ASD, ADHD and ODD. Last two years of high school have been horrific with misconduct, truanting class, disrespect toward teachers and other students. She lives with her father but I am responsible for all things re schooling, doctors etc. she has been suspended for the third time and we have had issues with both high schools in our area. She has a questionable group of friends who she likes to keep secret from me so I don’t know what she’s up to. She has already been drunk several times, tried pot and been s*xually active. She is extremely evasive when I ask her direct questions about those topics. Her father is emotionally detached and I am left to deal with consequences of her behaviour. I have her 13 year old brother living with my husband and I and he is totally the opposite to his sister. I know that if she is to live with us again, her brother would suffer academically and emotionally. At this point I don’t know what to do and it’s been affecting my mental health. The school hasn’t been able to offer solutions either. She refuses to talk to any specialists such as psychologists and counselors so I cannot get her assessed for any other behavioural issues. I am terrified what the next 6 months will bring.

[Marimo-RO]

Hi @Amethyst_19, 

Welcome to the Parents Community and thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear that the last 2 years has been incredibly overwhelming for you. I can see that not only have you been responsible for a range of areas in your daughter's life but that her father's emotional detachment has contributed to a lack of support for you. Understandably, this has led to your mental health being affected. I can only imagine that your daughter's evasiveness surrounding her social groups and substance use has further heightened your concern for her wellbeing. Do you feel that she is physically safe?

Despite everything, I can also see that you're doing your best in balancing the needs of both your children. It sounds like you're mindful of how your son might be affected by your daughter and that you have sought help from mental health professionals for your daughter. Are you currently in contact with the mental health professional who provided your daughter's diagnosis?

I'm also wondering if you have any supports for yourself? For example, have you had a chance to talk to someone you trust about how you've been feeling? If you're in need of qualified support, Parentline offers a free and confidential phone counselling service for parents. You're also always welcome to post here on ReachOut's Parent Community.

You've mentioned that your daughter has refused to talk to specialists and I understand that opening up in person to a mental health professional can be a scary experience. If she feels comfortable, Kids Helpline is a great resource for young people and offers a 24/7 online or phone counselling service. This may also be a helpful resource for your son.

I hope you find the support you need here.

I look forward to your reply.

[Amethyst_19]

Thank you for your reply. My fear is that she will now to peer pressure in her friend circle. I am currently in therapy to help cope with this situation, because she refuses to go and sees that everyone else has the problem. I attempted to get her to Headspace last year but she back out at the last minute. She displays a lot of narcissistic tendencies and can be quite hurtful. As a mother, I want to help guide her toward better decisions and solutions but as a human, my emotional and mental health is suffering, and she is blissfully unaware.

[Astra-RO]

Hey @Amethyst_19  thanks for sharing a bit more about how you've been feeling around supporting your daughter. I'm glad to hear you have some support for yourself with therapy. Are you finding this helpful for your own mental health? It can be unbelievably frustrating and scary when people we care for refuse to access support, especially when their behaviour is so upsetting for us. It sounds like you're doing the best you can to strike a balance between looking after your daughter and looking after your own and the rest of your family's emotional wellbeing. I'm wondering if you have any self care strategies you use to give you some space when things are feeling particularly stressful?

I thought I would share an article we have about what to do if your teen doesn't want help as well as our self-care resource page if these could be helpful for you.