05-17-2017 02:34 PM - edited 05-18-2017 06:03 PM
Today is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia.
If you want to read more about the day, click here.
So in honour of the day, I wanted to ask you how you feel about discussing sexuality, gender identity and other related topics with your teenager.
Is this something you discuss often, never or when they raise it?
Are you still waiting for the day?
If you've had it - How did it go?
If you haven't - Are you prepared with facts or will you wing it?
05-17-2017 07:32 PM
Mine came out 2 weeks ago.. I have given all the right support so that she knows she is loved and still the same person.
When I came out I was thrown out of a huge family.
I'm trying so hard to keep my crap together and we discuss it freely anything, nothing is off limits.
Today I went to counselling and flipped out completely. Being in the community I hate to admit but I am so homophobic myself due to the treatment I received and because of that I am pushing her away..
But I have found a camp for her to go on interstate and support groups so she feels like she belongs etc. Just makes me so unsettled as well as crapping me to tears.. Haven't found any sarcastic humour within reach to get through this.
05-17-2017 07:33 PM
I am very open to discussing their sexuality with my children. They have been raised to know I will listen without judgment to what they have to say.
My daughter and I have had frank and open discussions regarding her feelings or lack of for others. We have determined at this point in her life she is asexual. She is comfortable with this, as are her father and me. She has said she wants to be a mother but is not interested in 'having sex' to do it. Luckily there are so many other options available to her as she gets older in this regard.
As she progresses with her life she is going to come up against many obstacles in this regard, she understands her sexuality is her choice and nobody else's. If others don't like it (read her grandparents) that is their problem, not hers.
I think as parents we need to ensure our children know we are there for them 100%
05-17-2017 07:51 PM
Yes having been in an openly gay family all their lives she was extremely comfortable discussing it with me. That is why I have searched things for her as she didn't know what to look for.
I put aside my emotions so that she knows I'm there for her 99.9% of the time atm.
I guess when your own identity has been punished so deeply that I cannot apply a band aid and hope it all just goes away again. I do know that it affects her as well.
Hopefully I can remove my sunnies and stop putting eye drops in very soon!
05-17-2017 07:55 PM
Hi @Lily17 it's great to hear your daughter knows she has your support.
I am saddened to hear you did not have the same support, and because of this, you feel you are pushing your daughter away. Unfortunately, the older generation is not as accepting and still believe it is a sickness or as I have heard a friend say when she came out 'we will pray it out of you'.
We are here to support you as you and your daughter work through this.
05-17-2017 10:37 PM
@Lily17 I am so sorry to hear you were punished for your sexual orientation through out your life ! Oh my God it was , and is soooooo wrong . You have every right to be the beautiful human being you are , you also sound like an intelligent and loving parent . Please correct me if I am wrong , but your words around this issue with your teen seem to suggest you have not thoroughly processed all of the deep hurt and pain you have endured , and are still living with the scars of that painful negative conditioning . Is it holding you back and creating blocks to you accepting yourself fully and therefore being totally there for your child as they deal with the same issues ?
Have you thought about getting some counselling for yourself ?
05-18-2017 04:21 PM
That's really sad @Lily17. It's so damaging for us when we are rejected by our families for being who we are. So unfair, and shows the insecurities and fears of the speaker, nothing more - but so damaging.
It's understandable it has brought up a lot of your own feelings with your daughter coming out. I hope it can give you an opportunity for some of your own healing.
We too have very open communication and my daughter is very passionate about LGBT rights as her best friend recognises as bi sexual and struggles at times. Her family are not accepting. For me, someone's sexuality is irrelevant - who they are in their heart is what matters to me.
We quite often talk about the subject as my daughter sees a lot of hate online directed at non-heterosexual's which upsets and angers her. She recognises as heterosexual but is very protective and supportive, so our conversations are very in-depth at times. I think it's fantastic!
05-18-2017 06:00 PM
Such an amazing thread!! So wonderful to hear how incredibly evolved all your children are. You have all done an amazing job.
@Lily17 I just wanted to say that I have always felt the hardest thing about parenting is that I can't step out of my own humanness to do it. What an amazing parent I would be if I didn't get tired and angry. Or if I didn't have a family history of never feeling heard so I always get intensely upset when I feel ignored. Or if I didn't have abandonment issues so when my kids punish me by withdrawing love I feel like crying. Or I didn't have to manage all the feelings I have about doing stuff for my kids because I wasn't raised like that so I always feel at least a little bit resentful.
You had a traumatic experience. when you came out. Your daughter coming out would have to impact you hugely because you're seeing yourself. And how much you needed love, not judgement. It's like the scar has been reopened and you have to live through it all again.
Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself all the love you needed when you came out. Treat yourself with all the compassion and support you needed then.
And remember that you have lots of support here whenever you need it.
05-19-2017 10:18 AM
Thank you for your words of wisdom and validation. I'm not sure what I was expecting as we all come from past generations.
My girl (T1) went to her diversity group last night. Her main comment was mum why do they bash us up?? I explained yet again triggered. T2 was horrified someone could hurt her sister and started crying. Being SN same age but emotionally 8 trying to calm her is a nightmare.
Fortunately T1 is away for the weekend - no gay jokes or latest news for a few days. Some down time to process without constant reminders.
Sometimes these curve balls just need to stop and let us breathe.
06-03-2017 12:16 AM
My daughter and I chat openly and we both believe that heart comes first as a label .. someone who has heart feeling , ie who they are , someone who can be true to their feelings in their heart however that pathway is. A journey is not always without its challenges yet i believe our life purpose is to explore our self and what it means to be human. I have so far learnt that it is important to be. to be present and mindful of how I feel and be with that to know that however that feeling arises it ha spurpose as it arise from within to be heard, listened to and have trust with acknowledging the feeling will show the lesson. So I am pleased to live following my heart , if that leads to a feeling of expressing a sexuality of choice then a great human is one who can voice to oneself the freedom which they have to follow their own path.
No doubt people are evolving to trust that this freedom is within their ability and the responsible from that freedom is self care of their true self. Once this is achieved life is simply authentic.
nothing beats An authentic heart space , intimate connect with self and/ or others, intimacy, love and sex is the icing on that cake ... to have ones cake and eat it !