13 year old son hates me

[Symmo]

Hi there,

I’d appreciate any help and advice please

My son will turn 13 in a few weeks and I feel like he hates me. Anytime I ask him any form of question, he generally gets frustrated, rolls his eyes, and at best gives me a one word answer. He would rather walk to school in the rain than spend time with me in the car.

I help coach his soccer team, and anytime I ask the squad anything, he rolls his eyes, and complains or disagrees with what I’m saying.

Today, we had an argument, as he refused to speak to my overseas parents (his grand parents) and when trying to talk about this he got angry and yelled that he “doesn’t understand why he has to talk to my parents”

My wife wants to generally keep out of it as doesn’t want to ruin her relationship with him, but also thinks I am over reacting when trying to punish (not unlock his Xbox) if he is disrespectful to me; it’s starting to affect our relationship.

I see a psych, who has suggested strategies, such as letting smaller things go, but calling out signs of disrespect but it isn’t working.

I know I have a tendency to overreact, but have been working hard on this, and the touch strategies for around 4 months now, but I’m not getting anything back and starting to feel helpless and worried about the future

[Astra-RO]

Hey @Symmo, welcome to the parents community! Thank you for trusting us to share what's been happening between you and your son and to ask for support. 

I can really hear how proactive you have been in navigating these negative interactions with your son. Implementing strategies, seeing a psych, and talking with your wife are all really positive steps. I can hear that despite your best efforts, things haven't really been improving and you're starting to feel helpless and worried about the future. Is there something in particular you're worried about?

It can really hurt when we feel hated or rejected by people we care about and it's understandable that you've been feeling this way around your son. Can I ask how long this has been going on for and whether there has been an obvious trigger for these interactions?

I am wondering if these changes relate at all to any changes your son might be experiencing at this time. It's not uncommon for parents to notice changes in young people as they reach adolescence, often a time when puberty leads to changes in mood and behaviours. I'm wondering if you've had any thoughts around this? Though this doesn't make your son's interactions with you any less hurtful, it might provide some context around why this could be happening. We have an article here about preparing for puberty as well as how to set boundaries during this time which you might find helpful if you think this is relevant at all (of course, it might not be!)

I'm wondering if you've been able to have a conversation with your son about how you've been feeling around these interactions you've been having? We have a resource here about navigating difficult conversations if this is helpful at all.

I hope you find this community a safe and supportive place

[Symmo]

Hi Astra-RO,

Thank you for your kind welcome and thoughts, they are very much appreciated.

I think the big trigger for me was a few months ago, when I was really starting to get affected by it, my wife pointed out that we don’t have a relationship right now, and if that didn’t change, we may never get it back. This frightened me greatly, as my family (extended) are all super close so the thought that this could ever be a permanent thing really frightens me.

It’s probably been close to four or five months, and I can’t think of an obvious trigger, though prior to this, he seemed to be the same towards my daughter (11) which has always annoyed me, and I would constantly pull him up on it (this would have been the case for the last 4 or five years) but nothing obvious other than that.

He’s definitely going through puberty right now, his voice has dropped, so I will certainly read through those articles you have provided: I’ve been reading some parenting books, that present this as normal, and not to worry, but that seems to suggest that his mood and attitudes are more a global approach, where as this seems very targeted at me, as he is lovely to my wife and his friends parents always complement me on how lovely and polite he is to them.

I got close to a panic attack a few nights ago about it, which my wife was able to talk me down from, though she spontaneously decided to have a family meeting to discuss mental health and brought up that I wasn’t doing so well and that his attitude towards me probably wasnt helping. He took this personally, so I was very careful to pull him aside and explain to him that he isn’t the reason I am having mental health difficulties, that it as actually been somthing I’ve struggled with long before he was born and can be affected by many things, but sometimes that his actions can make me overthink things, and upset me and contribute to my overall difficulties. I told him I loved him and I was there to support him, but that I just need him to be mindful of that.

I did take comfort in the fact that a few weeks ago, he was sleep walking, and I told him I loved him as I helped him back to bed; he responded with “I love you too” which made me hope there really is love in there, which I need to remind myself of sometimes.

In any case, thanks for the kinds words and suggestions. I will certainly read them and take them on board and continue working on myself

Thank you again for the welcome

[Astra-RO]

Hey @Symmo I'm glad you have found the community supportive and welcoming so far. It's totally fair that the advice from parenting books has been unhelpful in telling you not to worry -- if only it were that simple! It makes sense you'd be especially concerned with your son's behaviour appearing to be very different with you compared to with everyone else. I can hear that things changed for you when you started to become more affected by your son's behaviour. I'm wondering if your son noticed this at all, and whether his behaviour also changed at all following this?

I can see from what you've shared that your wife is concerned about your son's interactions with you as well and it seems like she tried to help by holding a family meeting. However, it sounds like this might have not been as helpful as intended, especially with this meeting occurring without your prior knowledge or agreement. I can see you and your wife have already had discussions about setting consistent boundaries with your son, but she is worried it will negatively impact her relationship with him, which is understandable. It sounds like both of you really value connection with family and want to improve things between you and your son. I think perhaps something you've already identified is that consistency is really important when setting boundaries, and you might find this article helpful as well as it explores this.

I hope you find these resources helpful and you are welcome to continue reaching out on the community.