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I dislike my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

I dislike my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

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Active scribe
aprilrnga

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

I totally agree with you. I had baby momma drama in my previous marriage, and when we divorced, I specifically dated men without children because I knew I did NOT want to be a stepmom. I do realize that is super selfish because I wouldn't have wanted my current husband to discount a future with me because he didn't want to be a stepdad to my son. I think the key difference is that my husband comes from a very close-knit family, and so he forms bonds much easier than me. I'm grateful for that because he has a great relationship with my bio-son. However, I was not raised that way. My family is the complete opposite, and love wasn't something that is/was freely given.

 

My advice to you is to talk to your husband openly about how you feel. At first, I kept it all inside because the few times I brought up my feelings, he reacted harshly. I got to the point that I was about to file for divorce and had a serious "Come to Jesus" talk with him one night about his actions with his son, the struggles I felt, and how bleak the situation made me feel. I can say that now, at least I can talk to him about things. He may not always agree with me, but he doesn't push me near as hard as he used to form a bond with his son.  This used to cause a huge fight with my husband, now he just doesn't even say anything to me about it.

Active scribe
aprilrnga

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

You are definitely not alone in how you feel.

 

My advice to you is to talk to your husband openly about how you feel. At first, I kept it all inside because the few times I brought up my feelings, he reacted harshly. I got to the point that I was about to file for divorce and had a serious "Come to Jesus" talk with him one night about his actions with his son, the struggles I felt, and how bleak the situation made me feel. I can say that now, at least I can talk to him about things. He may not always agree with me, but he doesn't push me near as hard as he used to to form a bond with his son. This used to cause a huge fight with my husband, now he just doesn't even say anything to me about it.

Active scribe
Kokomokiki

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

You are lucky in the sense that your husband no longer puts pressure on you to be someone that you are not. But even if he doesn’t expect anything from you anymore, I know it’s not easy to have your stepchild around no matter what the situation. I feel you.

The more I tell my husband that I don’t feel comfortable around his son, that I don’t like playing with him, that we have nothing in common, and that I have trouble liking him, the more angry and hurt my husband gets. Then this leads to him expecting even more out of me when his son comes over and if I don’t produce good results he resents me more and more each time. We are doing couples therapy right now and it’s not working. No amount of therapy will change how I feel about his son. I just don’t like him and I really hate being forced to like him. They tell me to put a picture of him up on my fridge. No thank you. They tell me to hug him once a day. I cringe at the thought of that. It’s getting really bad and right now my husband and I are trying to figure out if we can work it out and find a compromise. We love each other very much and we want to be together, especially for our daughter who is about to be 3 months.

Active scribe
Kokomokiki

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

I’m in the exact situation. I got myself into a big mess getting involved with someone who has a child with another person. I feel like there is no escape or right decision….therapy isn’t helping me figure it out. What is the lesser evil? Staying around and dying inside or leaving my husband knowing that I won’t be with the love of my life and our daughter won’t grow up with her parents together….
Active scribe
Kokomokiki

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

Wow this hits me hard. I would be sooo disappointed and frustrated if I couldn’t go on vacation with just my husband and bio kid. What’s wrong with going vacation without his son? You guys need to continue living your lives when he did not there. It’s not fair to your child you only get to do fun things when your husbands son comes around.
Active scribe
Kokomokiki

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

But honestly you have to approach this problem carefully choose your words wisely.  Try not to say anything mean or offensive…which I know it’s hard given what you have to go through 

Active scribe
aprilrnga

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

Yeah, hits me hard too. SMH. So much so that I would be willing to leave my bio son with my mom to avoid having to go on vacation with his son. I am frustrated! I HATE that I have to suffer and go through the motions. Life is hard enough as it is... My husband just feels so guilty toward this kid. I know he was absent for stretches here and there, but he's a really great dad. There is nothing he should feel guilty for, and I certainly shouldn't have to bend over backwards for whatever guilt he holds. Our daughter stayed the night with his mom last weekend (first time I've really been away from her overnight). When I was describing to hubby how much I missed being with her, he said "Now you know what it is like not to see my son everyday." I was aghast that he likened that situation to not seeing his son. He has only ever been with his son every other weekend. He's never lived with him full time

Active scribe
aprilrnga

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

I will definitely try that angle.

Active scribe
Kokomokiki

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

Do we have the same husband? Because mine literally does the same thing when he compares my daughter to his son so that I can relate to him better. It’s just makes me even more mad because their situation is not even remotely the same. When I say how much I love my daughter he goes “now you know how much I love my son” when I say I miss her “now you know how hard it is not to see my son”. 

Active scribe
aprilrnga

Re: I completely loathe my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

I feel for you. It is unfortunate that your stepson is so young (only 2.5). That means there is still a very long road to **bleep**. At least my stepson is almost 15 in December. I pray everyday that when he's 16 and gets a drivers license and a car, that he will choose to stay in the town he lives in on the weekends and hang out with his friends.

 

I hope you guys can figure out a compromise for the sake of your marriage and your young daughter. Therapy doesn't work for me in my opinion because most people from the outside looking in are going to give you a bunch of exercises to do to try and create a bond between you and your stepson, but that only works if you want it. I have flat out told my husband that I will provide for stepson (meals, laundry, a clean and safe environment to spend every other weekend), but that is the extent that I am willing or able to provide. I think after repeating this over and over for the last few years have finally sunk in to my hubby.