14 yr old breaking my heart

[Mumincrisis]

Hi everyone. As my name states….I am a mum in crisis. My 14.5 yr old son has completely gone off the rails. He ran away for the first time at the beginning of the year. I was beside myself and rang the police and drove around until 3am looking for him. Fast forward 10 months now he’s done it so many more times. Bit by bit I’ve lost complete control. The group of friends he has now are all within either the criminal system or the DOCS system. He has not come home for 2.5 weeks now. I’ve done everything I possibly can, I’ve filed 4 missing person reports. They sight him, tell him to stop not coming home, but just goes straight back. He lost his phone so I bought him a new one so he could contact me. He rarely contacts me, think I’ve just made life easier for him having a phone and organising his days with his mates. He is staying with someone who is 22, smokes weed all day long, (I’ve seen videos of it on Snapchat). I believe also the older people of this group may use him for crime/drug mule but can’t prove that. I’ve put a report in with the police so I hope they’re investigating that. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I know he’s a teenager but still, he couldn’t care less about how I am feeling, or his younger siblings who are incredibly confused. 😣 he somehow rocks up to school here and there, usually at about 11-12pm. I’ve been in constant talkings with the school and the deputy, I’m reporting to DCJ’s, I’m getting councilling, doing teen parenting courses. I don’t have an actual address of where he is staying, just a rough idea as someone said it was next to the local hospital. I am heartbroken, even though my son is extremely defiant he is still my son, I hate this is the path he has chosen and there is nothing I can do about it. I’ve told, begged, asked, everything in between asking him to come home. He refuses, hates rules and wants to live a life of no rules, smoke weed all day, and live a life without responsibility. I’ve texted him last 3 days ago; we would love to have him home, and we love him, obvious boundaries apply of course….no weed or drugs anywhere near our home, reasonable age related curfew etc. i just don’t know what else I can do. Filing missing person reports just doesn’t help, as the next day he is right back there. I miss my son, I’m angry that he cares so little about me and his siblings. Even this past few weeks I’ve still bought him a phone, purchased all lunches if he attends school, gave in clean clothing and underwear for him to collect. I was hoping he would see me doing all of these things and realise how much I love him. Instead he has just taken it all and not given back a single thing. Barely even communicating with me. Does anyone else have any advice?

Thank you all kindly 😔

[Iona_RO]

Hi @Mumincrisis 

Thanks for sharing what you're going through at the moment, I can't imagine how distressing it must be. I do however, think it is fantastic how you resilient you have been. Try and take a moment to acknowledge how well you've coped with this situation - you've done all the right things. You've contacted the police, your son's school, are getting counselling and coaching - you're doing better than you might think. Well done.

I understand that doesn't take all the worry away though. How are your other children coping? I'm wondering if you have support from friends and family at the moment? 

[Jmumlost]

We are going through almost the exact same thing with our 13 year old son. At this stage he is still at home but rarely attends school, disappears and smokes weed all day with older kids. Climbs out his window at night. Comes home to eat and ask for money. (Which we rarely give him because it’s just for weed or vapes) We still pay for his phone otherwise we’d have no idea where he was. It’s devastating as a parent. He comes from a good home, two parents who’ve given him the world. So upsetting for his younger brother to see all this going on. I’m at a loss, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. Xx

[Iona_RO]

Hi @Jmumlost 

Thanks so much for giving your support to @Mumincrisis - it can really help to know we're not alone in our experiences. It sounds like your family is going through a tough time at the moment too, I can definitely understand your concern for your son's wellbeing. It's great that you've reached out for some support.

You've mentioned that your son doesn't attend school very often at the moment, I'm wondering if the school have been in touch and offered to support you with this?

I'm also going to send you an email, so keep your eye out for that.