18 year old in a coercive relationship

[Worriedmum78]

Last year my daughter (17 at the time) started seeing this guy (18/19)
A month or so in I found out he had a court hearing.
I asked her what it was about and she it’s a AVO matter - Police took one out on him.
Fast forward a few days later, I find out it just wasn’t a misunderstanding and in fact he also had up coming court matters.
I find the protectieds address on the AVO - I turned up to ask because the not knowing was the worst part (or so I thought.)
I find out he has been charged with 4 x Grooming minors.
When he was 17 he was grooming 12/13 year olds.
I my husband and i basically forbid her from seeing him and we thought it was it was over…

It wasn’t.

Fast forward 8 months to night before her 18th (convenient.)
She lied (never has been that kinda person.) and said it has been 2 days. I hack into her SnapChat annnnd boom.
She was in a relationship the whole time. She lead a 2nd life. Two phones (we all had live 360 - So to hide location.
It was a well executed plan right up till she was of legal age.

His family have some kind of twisted I part in secretly letting her go over to see him.

Messages between them was hard to read.
Who is this girl we raised for 18 years?! She moved in with him the very next day.

She would/does have to ask to see her friends or if it’s ok. Constantly telling her he wants to see her and how hard this all is.

Part two of second half of story in the mornin.

Thank you

[Astra-RO]

Hi @Worriedmum78, firstly thank you for sharing what your family are going through and welcome to the parents and carers community. It must have been so shocking and upsetting to learn that your daughter was still seeing this guy and the support they had from others in the young man's life. I can hear how understandably worrying her being in a relationship with, and moving in with him is, given his history of criminal charges, as well as the signs of coercive control.

I want to say you've done what sounds like the best anyone could do to protect your daughter in a really awful situation, which shows how much you love and care for her. I can only imagine how distressing it must be seeing your daughter act so differently to the person you raised. It sounds like you have also identified some signs of coercive control in this relationship which must have been a really scary discovery also. I'm wondering if you were able to talk to your daughter about the discovery of the snapchat messages?

Do you have anyone supporting you through this at the moment? It might be helpful reaching out to a service like 1800RESPECT to chat more about coercive control and supporting a loved one experiencing it. They can also support you around how and when to have conversations with your daughter about the relationship, along with steps to take should the time come when your daughter needs to leave the relationship safely. 

We'll also be sending an email shortly as well so please keep an eye out for that! Take care and looking forward to hearing from you