TW: undiagnosed BPD in my daughter

[Powerlessmom]

I am a single parent and suspect my 17 year old daughter has BPD, her behaviour is so up and down, she is unable to regulate her emotions, quite often she's like a jekel & hyde, very flight or fight mode, in/out of intimate relationships, very very angry, disruptive, argumentative and I feel i'm ticking all the boxes with the traits of BPD.

Just over 3 years ago I was unable to continue putting up with her behaviour, her threats to self harm or end her life so I needed some space as my own MH was starting to decline, so I asked her dad if she could stay with him for a while to give me some breathing space.  She was in his care for 4 months, I feel this time of being apart from me has caused 'abandonment issues' she and her father then to CAMHS for an appt and it was both their opportunity to inform staff that I abuse her when I don't that i neglect her and emotionally harm her.  As a qualified social worker of 17 years it tore my whole world apart, I couldn't believe she was telling practitioners that I don't love her, care for her, don't do this or that for her, when i'm the only one consistent person in her whole life who does absolutely everything for her.  No one seems to have a handle on her condition and believe the fabricated lies about me, its resulted in me loosing 3 homes and 10+ jobs, she blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life, I can't even be ill as this appears to be taking the attention from her.  She has no to little empathy and if i'm ill she rarely shows any warmth or acknowledgement, all of this has now taken its toll on my own health and i'm now being investigated for a possible heart condition but I have NEVER abused anyone, I love her, and whilst its been extremely difficult to throw my arms around her and comfort her when i'm called a this and a that and its really cut throat how she speaks to me, i'm the only one person who remains there for her.

I've been under investigation for 3+ years and I honestly don't know how much longer I can remain strong for the both of us when I know deep down its her condition not me.

Her behaviour is so up and down, we have a few good days but the rest of the time is lots of door slamming, abusive words, I seem to be her emotional punchbag and I honestly don't know how much more I can put up with. I know her triggers, her father hasn't got a clue he feels its attention seeking behaviour, but to date and has been self harming since 2018, I know she has been through a lot of trauma in her short life and 2 years after the event she disclosed to me that an old boyfriend sexually assaulted her whilst I was at work.  She has also been involved in a car crash where a boyfriend died, she claims to have had a possible miscarriage, she smokes weed which I don't feel helps her moods, but i'm the one under the spotlight and being accused of abusing her, when all i've done is do my best and provide for her and do my best as a single parent with no support from anyone.

[Blake-RO]

Hey @Powerlessmom 

Welcome to the Online Community.

Thank you for being so honest and for sharing this with us, it sounds like you have been going through a very difficult and challenging time and we are really glad that you have found our forums.

I can hear how concerned you are for your daughter, and how difficult the past few years have been for you. It sounds like you have been trying really hard to support your daughter, even with everything else that has been going on for you personally and it is very understandable that you are feeling this way.

I know you mentioned that a lot has happened to you over the past 3 years and I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for you to manage and deal with, along with everything else. I’m mindful of the impact this must be having on you and was wondering if you have, or would consider speaking to a GP or mental health professional for some support?

I was also wondering if your daughter had access to or was receiving any professional support? If you have any concerns about your daughters’ risk and safety, I really encourage you to contact an urgent helpline as they can provide you with some guidance and support.

I know that you mentioned that your daughter has a history of trauma including self-harm and suicidality. I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you and how concerned you must be. I was wondering whether you have ever created a safety plan with her, or if this is something that you would consider? We have an article about how to create one here.

I also wanted to let you know that we have sent you an email to check in, can you please keep an eye out for that?

Thank you again for sharing this with us, it takes a lot of courage and bravery to do so.  We want to remind you that we are all here to listen and support you and that you aren’t alone.

[BeeBo]

Hi Powerless mum,

I know you wrote your message last year but I am in very similar circumstances so wanted to reach out to you in case you get my message because I know the pain that BPD issues with teen daughters gives. I am also a single mum as my husband passed in Dec 2020 and my daughter who was always just "difficult"  went from being resilient and almost straight As to an addict and abuser also. It was (I believe) also when my daughter started with marijuana. My son (I found out afterwards) told me she had been telling friends at school that I had been abusing her (when in actual fact it was the opposite). He was apparently setting ppl straight at school. Anyway she left school and went to be homeless for the worst 18 months of life worrying about her and only hearing when the police rang to say she'd been picked up for another misdemeanour and

Spoiler

once when she very nearly suicided (the paramedic rang me himself and told me she had been essentially dead but they'd managed to revive her and rang me at the hospital because they were talking about discharging her just hours later and he was disgusted).

I've had cancer twice and chemo, struggles with depression  and experienced the death of a husband and trying to fight a losing battle with life insurance and administrate an intestate estate during covid. Took 3 years . Worst 3 years of my life, but the worst of it all was the 18 months not knowing ea day whether my daughter was dead or alive and not being able to do a **bleep** thing about it. She cut contact with every person who loved her and was of good influence despite everyone's best efforts. She miraculously came back out of the blue beginning of this year when her girlfriend had encouraged her to make contact. I was so grateful to have her back but I think I'm losing her again as she broke up with her girlfriend and has been away from home for increasing periods. She had been doing so well staying off alcohol and learning to drive, applying for jobs. Of course my world is crumbling again also. How are you faring?

[Lily_RO]

Hi @BeeBo  Welcome to the ReachOut community! It's not easy to share your situation online, so I wanted to thank you for sharing so openly with us here. 

I’m really sorry to hear about everything you and your family have been through. It sounds like you’ve faced unimaginable challenges, both as a parent and in your personal life. Losing your husband and dealing with your own health issues all while supporting your daughter must have felt incredibly overwhelming, especially during those painful 18 months of uncertainty of not knowing if she was safe.

I can’t imagine how difficult it is to see your daughter struggling again after finally reconnecting. It’s very clear you love her deeply and have fought hard for her wellbeing. I’m wondering whether you have had any support for yourself during all this? It’s so important to have people you can lean on, whether that’s friends, family, or professional support. 

It’s amazing that you’ve found this community, and I hope you are able to connect with others who share the challenges you’re facing. I also wanted to share some other services that may provide some additional avenues of support for you. Australian BPD Foundation offers a range of resources and a carers forum specifically for parents who are navigating similar challenges with their children affected by BPD. If your daughter is still a teenager, ParentLine offers free telephone counselling and support to parents and carers with children aged 0-18 who live in NSW. Finally, Family Drug Support provides free telephone support service to families affected by alcohol and other drug issues. 

Please take care of yourself. You deserve support as you navigate this situation.