Dating advice for teen daughter

[Mom2three]

As parents we try to offer our teen daughter advice and help as she learns boys think very differently than girls. Her boyfriend has us completely stumped. We are tempted to advise her to dump him but we hesitate because there’s something innately good about him. He doesn’t call her or message her for days and she gets so upset. If she messages him he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t make plans but will see her when she asks. She saw him Friday night but he hasn’t seen her or talked to her in five days. He lives 3 miles away and had a car. This has happened in the past but never this long. He’d very attentive in person, respects her boundaries, and he expresses his feelings, and he’s kind. He seldom hangs out with friends, and spends a lot of time at home. Others complain to her that he ignores their texts. He’s an introvert but this seems extreme. I don’t know what to tell her. She’s frustrated and I’m out of explanations for her.

[kokolika]

Hi @Mom2three!

I'm certainly no expert but I have 3 teenage daughters and we have dealt with the dating issues too.  We have found through our own experience and watching family friends with teenage daughters as well that dating at this age definitely has its pitfalls.  It's great that you are looking out for her and helping her navigate all of this!  Especially with cell phones, texting and social media, it seems like teenagers more and more expect instant access to friends and boyfriends/girlfriends at all times.  It does make it hard with someone like this boy who sounds like he isn't maybe as tied to his phone and texting as other kids his age.  I would say that if he demonstrates that he is kind and caring when he interacts with your daughter in person, that his texting missteps be excused to some degree.  Maybe if your daughter explains to him that when she doesn't hear back from him she feels dismissed or worried that he is upset with her.  He might not even realize how upsetting it is for her when he doesn't respond.  In a lot of ways, his amount of contact seems much healthier than a boy who is constantly texting, showing up, calling etc.  Teenagers can have a hard time being in relationships without smothering each other.  Look at this as a great way to teach your daughter about how to have a healthy relationship and to communicate with her boyfriend.  Those are lessons she will take with her as she gets older and will help build her into a confident, happy young woman.  

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Mom2three thanks for reaching out. I agree with the advice @kokolika has given in that although he may not be texting her frequently, it's great that he is respectful and caring when he interacts with your daughter in person. I'm wondering if she's told him how she feels about not having much contact during the times she doesn't see him and what his response has been? I guess it also depends on what each want from the relationship and hopefully can meet somewhere in the middle  She's lucky to have such a caring and supportive mother 

[Mom2three]

Thank you for your response. Yes, their texting and social media habits have been relatively healthy thus far but he never skips more than one day. Unfortunately we got to the source of the issue this week. One of her best friends is a gay male and he’s befriended her bf because they are involved in the same activities at school. He’s a narcissist. He’s been lying to both of them to prompt her bf to break up with her. Another girl joined in to sabotage my daughter with him and it’s been pretty awful. Her bf finally came over this weekend and they worked it out. I walked in on him crying and I felt terrible. This is the second time this has happened to her. The first time was with different people. I don’t know what to tell her. People can be pretty self absorbed and jealous. My child is attractive, smart, and adults love her but kids her age find fault with her. She has few real friends. Her boyfriend is lovely. He’s a senior, extremely talented, nice, and attractive and both of the “friends” involved like him along with many others. My daughter and her bf have always planned to stay together until he leaves for university (she’ll have 2 more years of high school) and I think people covet their relationship/friendship.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Mom2three,

One thing that comes to mind when reading your post is how incredibly resilient your daughter is. Communicating what she is feeling and working with her boyfriend to come to a conclusion about what is happening, and then taking steps to move forward with that relationship shows so much maturity and self awareness Working together on a relationship is one learning curve that many young people in relationships experience, and it sounds like she has really been working hard to maintain the relationship and to work through tough experiences. 

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has had friendship issues- I can imagine that must be really tough for you to watch her go through. The qualities in your that you described will be such an asset to her in future, and also reflect the amazing support you have given her