Negotiating shared care of 16yo

[moniquep]

Hi,

My daughter is16yo nearly 17. She has a new boyfriend who she wants to spend a lot of time with. She lives between me and her dads place. This weekend she was with her dad and they had a fight because he didn’t want her to stay at her boyfriends house two nights in a row. He was worried about his parents being put out. Though the boyfriends mum said it was ok. My daughter rang me was pretty distressed and asked to come to my place. I said ok and she came over and her boyfriend came over. Now she is refusing to go back to her dads saying he won’t listen to her and she can’t stay with him. I feel a bit caught in the middle. He feels it’s a problem if she can just come to my place when he tries to enforce something which I get but she also gets scared when he is angry and I get the frustration she feels about not being listened to. Any thoughts appreciated.

[WalterRO]

Hey Moniquep

It must be very hard being stuck in the middle being able to see your daughters perspective but as well as her dad's viewpoint.

Teenagers with their boyfriends/girlfriends can be a super challenging time for parents!

Im wondering if this is a partly a matter of putting more firm boundaries in place and sticking to them, even though i recognise this may feel harsh. Whats the worst that could happen do you think if you maintained that she had to return to her father's place on the weekend even if that meant her boyfriend cannot be there.  Would she hate you for it? Would she stop talking to you maybe?

Have you felt comfortable discussing with her dad that she feels scared of his anger and that she doesnt feel like she is being heard by him. If not, do you think it might be a conversation worth having? 

Sounds like a very tricky situation and that wouldnt be easy for any parent to navigate.