Welcome to the forums @Dontfeelgood
I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling - the pain and grief is so obvious in your post.
Thank you for trusting us with your story, it takes a lot of courage to reach out for support.
I wanted to say that these feelings aren't uncommon at all - I think it's just something people find really hard to talk about and I'm sure that your story would resonate with a lot of people.
Is talking to a counsellor or psychologist something you feel might be helpful?
As a starting point, Parentline offers a helpline where you can talk things through and they can also refer you to services in your local area that can offer more support if that's helpful.
If it's something you feel up to, Circle of Security and Tuning Into Kids programs are great for helping to strengthen attachment between parents and children and many local services offer them for free or at a low cost.
I really hope you are able to get the support you deserve to enjoy your relationship with your child - much as you might not be feeling it right now, it's clear that you love him very much in the fact that you're trying so hard to get help with this.
We're here to listen and we're here to support you so please feel free to touch base here any time. 
