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Aj81lv

Ready to give up

Mum of 4 ranging between 3 and 18. Older 2, have abusive behaviours like 18f explosive anger with a history of damaging property, gaslighting and anxiety. 14m has stonewalled, given silent treatment when talking about changes needed or mistakes made. A result for the past 4 years there have been minimal changes to behaviours.
I have turned myself inside out trying to the best parent to compensate, as a result am almost constantly unwell and burnt out. Younger 2 (3 and 6) are beginning to settle in to same behaviours.
Family all interstate, no friendships due to isolation, I have sought counselling and re-engagement I to the community but home dynamics not changing. Infact the more I re-engage with society the worse home environment appears.
I do everything. 18f will not commit to anything, she was washing dishes after dinner but usually is very vocally annoyed so to keep peace for younger ones I do it.
14m will not do anything unless asked. He will do if asked but has to be reminded because will 'forget' after 5 minutes.
We have 6 monthly rental inspections, each time I ask for help, at minimum for the older 2 to put away what they use and encourage the younger 2 aswell but they don't. Each time I end up doing everything including repairs from 18f. I am studying externallly so it's an exhausting 2 weeks with myself always sick for about 4 days at the end.
So now, 8 days out and asking for help, my son stares at me, my daughter changes the topic, the writing is on the wall and it's the same as always but worse as the younger 2 start copying.
I am considering not repairing the holes my daughters made, not doing a thing except my studies and daily parental basic requirements and HOPING that we get evicted.
That it will dissolve our unit and see myself move in with just the younger 2 and the 18f can fend for herself and the 14m can go to his father's or grandmothers.
EVERYTHING is telling me to throw my hands in the air but it's heartbreaking.
Things were getting better for a bit when my youngest 2s dad started actually spending time with them outside my home but he managed to get back in to seeing them here and will stay over. My older 2 don't respect me because of his presence I understand that. I feel very trapped and each time I stand up for what is right and in our best interests, collectively or individually, I am shot down for the benefit of those considering their own needs.
I'm worried for my babies and worried for me.
Need perspective and happy to answer questions.
Community Manager
Philippa-RO

Re: Ready to give up

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@Aj81lv we're really glad you've joined the community - it sounds like you've been single-handedly managing so many things with your children and studies with very little support. I'm so sorry it's been so hard. 

I notice you mentioned that your 18 year old daughter has had issues with anger and damaging property, and I'm wondering if she has any access to professional support? If not, is that something she might be open to?

 

I also wondered about your little ones' father - when you say he was taking the youngest two out away from your home, it sounds like that was really helpful... now that he's coming to stay at your home to spend time with them, how do you feel about that? Is there any way he might be able to start taking them out again so you can get more of a break?

 

Re: the housework, that sounds really stressful, especially with the demands of rental inspections as well. I'm not sure if it interests you, but I quite liked what this article had to say about some different ideas for motivating teenagers in case you'd like to have a read. We also have a one-to-one parents coaching service if that's something you might be interested in. 

 

I really hope the situation improves for you - please keep us updated with how things go. Heart

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