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Is it time for tough love?

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Is it time for tough love?

Our 17 year old daughter has been on medication for anxiety and depression for about 3 years,  

Thats about the only step she has made towards supporting herself. We’ve tried a psychologist for a while, even got into a psychiatrist ( at her request), and she cancelled after one visit as she decide she was ‘fine’. She won’t attempt any of the strategies to try and help herself, usually won’t come out of her room at all on weekends, and sleeps all the time. This is despite constant attempts by us ( both parents and older sister) to re-engage with us. She won’t go outside, exercise or have a go at anything new. She is on a part time timetable at school , with only the easiest subjects. She finishes the work quickly as she’s very capable , but then she’s bored.

she does nothing around the house, we give her a small amount of money each week, up but only so she won’t steal it from us ( which she has done regularly in the past). She has previously has 2 part time jobs, both of which she said were too stressful ( fast food and retail). 

my husband is at the end of his tether, as he believes that everything that we’ve done to support her and to try and take away stressors, now means that she won’t help herself and everything’s too easy.  He’s ready to help her move out, but i can’t even entertain the idea. But maybe he’s right?  Is just loving her not enough? We’re not on the same page about this at all, which is also very stressful.

She starts a 2 week CERT 2 placement tomorrow at a primary school which she has been looking forward to for months, but what happens when it’s done?

Is there a way to support her to want to get help? And what do we do if she won’t? We’re at a loss here, and finding it very hard to move forward.


Anyone else have similar issues? Help!

Active scribe

Re: Is it time for tough love?

That is so hard! I'm dealing with my son who has Autism & I've lost a relationship because of it.

At least you & your husband have each other for support. I am on my own. Well, I did have a partner but he couldn't cope with my son anymore. So I am on my own. It's really hard.

Have you both spoken to her psychologist? What do they suggest?
Prolific scribe

Re: Is it time for tough love?

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Hi @TassieMama ,

It sounds like there's a lot in the mix of things. I read that your daughter has anxiety and depression, and finds it difficult to cope with work and full time school. At the same time, it is understandable that there is a lot of pressure placed on you and your husband. So much so that the option of helping her move out is before you.

Have you had the opportunity to speak to her doctor or the school to see if there are other strategies, services or supports that she can access? I read that apart from medication, your daughter is not doing much to help herself. Yet at the same time, I see that glimmer of hope in that she is looking forward to her placement at a primary school. It would be good to see how she copes with this placement and whether working in a school is something she would like to pursue.

I'm wondering whether you and/or your husband be interested in this Parent Coaching 1:1 service? It may give you some clarity about the current situation you are in.

Please know you are not alone. 

Prolific scribe

Re: Is it time for tough love?

Hey @TassieMama 

How are you?

I just had a read through your post and I am sorry to hear that you and your family have been experiencing such a difficult time. It sounds like your whole family have been doing everything they can to help support your daughter with her anxiety and depression and it is really great to hear how much support she has around her. She is very lucky to be surrounded by people who all love and care for her so much and just want the best for her.

It is understandable how difficult this must be for you all, as it sounds like you have all been trying really hard to help her through this and are unsure on how to move forward. I am mindful of the impact this must be having on you, your relationship and your family in general. I know you mentioned that your daughter was seeing someone but I was wondering whether you, or anyone else in your family were also receiving any support around this? This is a lot to be dealing with and you all deserve all the support available to you during this time.

I know you also mentioned that your husband has suggested for her to move out, and was wondering if this were to happen, whether your daughter has anywhere safe to go and if she would have any additional support if this were to happen?

It sounds like this is a lot to be managing and I was also curious about whether you have any positive strategies, or if anything helps you to take care of yourself and prioritise your own wellbeing?

Take care and we look forward to hearing back from you.