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19 year old's not so good boyfriend

19 year old's not so good boyfriend

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19 year old's not so good boyfriend

Back story...

 

My youngest child, and only daughter, Alaska has always been a great kid. Smart, funny, athletic but a bit of an attitude occasionally. I have two older children Dalton, 27 and Colton, 26. Dalton married last May and lives several hours away. Colton has asperger's and still lives at home. Their dad and I have been married 28 years.

 

2 years ago, Alaska started seeing this "guy". He lives in another town, but went to the same high school. Sometime between 7th and 9th grade he was institutionalized for mental health issues with self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts. We are not friends with his parents we just know them. His parents are divorced and have been for a while. For some reason he changes the last name he uses from dad's to mom's and back again. His mom has a on again off again live in boyfriend. His older sister had a 2 year old at her high school graduation (I am not judging or blaming the family dynamic, just trying to give a complete picture).

 

Almost immediately, my uncompromising husband absolutely forbid her to see him. I tried to diplomatically explain that that was the exact wrong move, thus the "uncompromising" person that is my husband. I work weekends and would allow her to bring me to work and visit with him while I was at work. I did this with the hope that she would eventually see that he was not for her. Until January of this year he had never had a job, no driver's license and just hung out playing video games all day. My daughter had had 3 jobs by this point. She was never fired from any job, but could not work during soccer season. These are some of the bigger highlights...Senior prom (last April, Oh I paid for the prom tickets because he did not have money and did not want to ask his mom because he didn't want to go anyway) She was driving his mother's truck because he had no license. At some point between dinner and prom he was driving, they argued about I don't remember what. He pulled over AND LEFT HER BESIDE THE ROAD. He came back shortly, but HE LEFT HER IN A PROM DRESS BESIDE A HIGHWAY IN THE BOONIES!!!. When he returned they continued arguing, they get to the venue, she got out of the truck and he stayed in the truck until she told him to get out or leave. He got out. In the following week she returned all his crap and got her stuff from him. I thought it was over. She was not isolating herself and seemed happier in general. Then for some reason she let him back in. In August she went to college 800 miles away on a soccer scholarship. I hoped surely she would find someone else. When her dad and I went up for family weekend she seemed preoccupied and withdrawn and not at all herself. Her roommate let me know that "guy" was causing her stress, I got no elaboration.

Over winter break, she had gone to Chicago with her brother and his wife to see Hamilton and was staying with them until Jan 2. Dec 31 I got a call from "guy's" mom. Alaska was at his house and had intentionally cut herself. She drove 300 miles from her brother's house to guy's  house to bring him back to her brother's house for a NYE party. When she got to guy's house, he told her he didn't want to go. He wanted to spend time with his family since he was leaving for bootcamp soon. My neice and  I went to get her and brought her home. This was a non-event on her radar she wanted to go see him again the very next day. 

Last night she was being chatty and her phone rang. she excused herself to talk to him. She then texted me to come to her room. Guy was supposed to graduate from bootcamp this weekend and had just learned he would not be graduating because he did not disclose his complete medical history (I'm guessing the mental health commitment). Apparently he told her that he was told he could "try again" later. She also implied that he had asked her to marry him. 

IMPORTANT POINTS:

  1. He is almost 20 years old and has had no job.
  2. Her first 3 months away at college she had pizza delivered to his house so often that the final tally was over $500. (He doesn't drive or work).
  3. He had no plans to attend college
  4. He has made no attempt to speak to her father or myself, except for the NYE incident.
  5. He committed a federal crime by failing to disclose a mental health condition on his recruitment paperwork. This alone could lead to a $10,000 fine and 2 years in prison. His mother is in the military herself and should have known this.
  6. Military tends to be more lenient on married service members (though he technically not a service member and is not married to my daughter).

My daughter is a talented soccer player/artist. She is majoring in psychology so she can work with veterans. I do not want her to allow his boy to drag her down. She knows our feelings about him and does not believe anything negative we say about him. I have prayed/ hoped in the past 2 years that she would finally see the light. I am afraid time is running out, I need a Hail Mary. Can anyone help???

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Re: 19 year old's not so good boyfriend

Hey @aksully35

 

I can only imagine how stressful it must be for you to grapple with this situation. From your story, it sounds like your daughter is a smart person with a good head on her shoulders, have you spoken to her about what she thinks about him proposing to her? What has she said about the situation?

 

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