Angry husband stepping in

[Maruko]

Hi all, I hv a 13 yrs pld teen with minor self harm issue, which we r handling ok, the teen is improving with less frequent n less harmful behaviour, however my angry husband starts to step in my management n make the situation of my teen bounce back.
E.g. I took the teen to a punching pillow which he can release his anger in a safer way...my husband then took out his phone filming him, when I asked him pls walk away, he is even more angry becoz I ignored him, he then walked to us yelling harsh words, n he punched the wall saying "u should punch like me, u chicken bla bla bla". I tried to stop him in a calm voice but failed. Both of us has to stand there receiving his anger until he finished. Then I took my boy in his room n settled him with extra time!!!!
I think I need to talk to hubby to help him see his problem n stop him from stepping in next time when I m dealing with the teen, but any suggestion as how can I bring up the issue without agitating him?

[PapaBill]

hi @Maruko 

Your situation sounds troubling.. 

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@Maruko wrote:
then walked to us yelling harsh words, n he punched the wall saying "u should punch like me, u chicken bla bla bla". 

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Violence is a serious issue and it sounds like the behavior of your husband is quite serious.

While you can work to assist your hubby to help him deal with his issues, at the end of the day he needs to want to change his behavior and take the steps to deal with it.

As I haven't had a violent partner I cant offer any personal practical advice on how to raise this specific issue.

My experience with raising difficult issues is to make sure the time and location are suitable.

Effective communication involves a lot of things.. far to much to cover in a brief post but here are some of the keys ones I focus on:

Make sure you are

• in private,
• it is not too late in the day
• the person appears calm and more likely to be receptive.

When you raise the issue 

• own what you say (i.e.  I felt scared the other day when..)
• Look for solutions not to allocate blame...  ( I would like to work out a way we can)
• Avoid emotive and exaggerating words  (Huge issue.. )

Some of these can help keep the discussion focused on the issue rather than turning into a shouting match about what is being said.

BUT at the end of the day .. no matter how skillfully an issue is raised, if the other person doesn't want to acknowledge or discuss the issue it is all but impossible to get them to engage.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Maruko and thank you for being so open and honest with us about some of the experiences you are having at home

I can see @PapaBill has offered some really great support above, and definitely echo the concerns around safety. 

I just want to clarify, when you mentioned punching the wall and offloading anger verbally, was this behaviour from your husband or your son? 

I can hear you are helping your son and your husband cope with some really difficult emotions including anger, and can understand this is a really delicate situation for you. That being said, your safety and the safety of your son are really important I would highly recommend speaking to 1800RESPECT about how to approach this situation, they are a helpline that work with families where there is anger and aggression among other things. 

I do also want to be upfront with you about ReachOut's requirements when it comes to child protection so you can make an informed decision about what you would like to share with us. As a health organisation, we are mandatory reporters, which means there are times where we do have to make reports if we believe that a child is at risk of harm. I want to make sure you are aware of this upfront- we always let members know if we need to make a report so there is transparency If you would like to understand more about mandatory reporting, please have a look at our community guidelines here

Please check in with us again when you can We are always here to lend a listening ear

[Maruko]

Ths so much, the suggestions are very useful, I will try to start something like "shall we talk about how we can deal with similar situation better next time...."
Forcuing on the issue but not making it between him n me is great idea.

[PapaBill]

hi @Maruko 

Good luck .. and remember the old truism  

Seek to understand before being understood.  

i.e. try to see your husbands point of view before putting yours forward.  If he feels you listening to him he is far more likely to listen to you. 

And I cant tell you how many times when I listen first I end up rethinking my comments before I make them

You could start with something like..

I was very upset with what happened on Tuesday, I felt scared and worried how our son might have felt about it.. Do you have some thoughts or ideas on how we could work together and get a better result if it happens again?

[Maruko]

Ths Jess1,
Ths x telling me about reporting! I don't think there is need to report our case yet, he never hit me or anything n he is not hitting the boys, but he is angry becoz of the boy gets angry! All I need is suggestions as how I can start a peaceful conversation re his angry problem.

[Maruko]

"how we can work together" is a good line, my husband loves me doing things with him :-D

[PapaBill]

hI @Maruko 

You could also try reach out coaching if you would like to get some one-one suggestions on how to structure the conversations with your son.  

Reachout Coaching

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Maruko,

Just wanting to check in How have you been the last two weeks? How are things going at home?