Hi I am probably a little bit out of sync with what is probably seen as the best practice I enjoy a few drinks with my friends at social gatherings When my kids were younger they would see us drinking and I was careful not to get drunk We would talk about alcohol and how it was only suitable for adults and how dangerous it was for growing bodies They would have soft drink as their special drink so they could partipate socially but not have alcohol Once they reached 18 they would have 1 or 2 drinks in my presence. We would talk about its impact and how it altered their feelings coordination and perceptions This worked for us as I was lucky enough that my kids were not out experimenting with their peers at 15 In summary I acknowledged my drinking Highlighted that it was for adults only Discussed the impact alcohol Once 18 they were allowed to try small amounts under supervision As I said at the start this probably out of line with what is considered best practice now but I thought I worth sharing as it worked for us ... View more

Hi @Help60   Sounds like things are getting very heated in the house. Living with a Teenage daughter can be very challenging at times.     Maybe we can offer some advice depending on the situation.    Firstly - is your daughter and her boyfriend safe?  Is there physical violence happening? If so this needs to be addressed immediately and if persistent you may need to call the police in.   If the fighting is restricted to verbal stouching, it still is serious but I probably would avoid calling the police :)   One of the hardest things of parenting an older teen as a parent you are seen at best as a loving bumbling old fart with no idea on the real world.  At worst you are a deadly enemy.    Either way it is very unlikely a teenager who lives with you will want to share the intimate details of her arguments with her boyfriend.  Though in reality it sounds like you can probably hear more than you want.   What my partner did with her daughter was to try and talk with her about the situation.  Sometimes this was rebuffed and sometimes some small details about the situation was shared.  Over time she became more comfortable sharing and the support my partner was able to offer advice.  But in the end it was simply listening to her daughter that her daughter appreciated the most.       The Big thing with this story was my partner did NOT push it and no matter how hard it was she (mostly) was able to avoid pushing.  If your daughter opens up LISTEN and not judge.  Do not offer advice unless she is looking for it.  If she isn't willing to talk about specifics then move on to talking about self respect, respect for others and how much you love her.    IMHO we should tell our kids every day we love them, even if sometimes we want to do it through clenched teeth and with bitten tongue.   As it sounds like they are in a serious long term relationship could you suggest your daughter and her boyfriend get some counselling?  If so get them to pick one that will focus on helping them learning communication skills.   If formal counselling is not an option, maybe an older trusted friend (Older sister, Aunt, Family friend etc) might be someone your daughter is willing to listen to if she wont talk to you.   In the end remember all relationships are hard, and they are hardest on those starting their first serious relationships.  You daughter will need to work through it as the young adult she is.      At this stage of her life you can offer support and love but she is going to need to take charge of working through it.   The one caveat (as I said is at the start) if there is physical violence you need to act now and make no apology for protecting the safety of your child.             ... View more

Hi Being a parent of a teenage is continually hard and unrewarding work. Unfortunately there are kids who have mothers and fathers who are to busy or unable to parent their children 🚸 despite their best intentions I like to think All kids are precious and I wish the best for them all but it is a imperfect world 🌍 I ... View more

Hi again Sound like you have am opportunity to interfere (parent here) I recall from my own childhood having some friends that would lead me into trouble. All of them ended up in serious trouble pester in life My patents forbade spending time with them and I stopped getting into so much trouble Peers are such a big influence on a young boy 👦 Try to encourage the good peer relationship Learn their names, ask about them, find out how their team is going If you are not interested in his sport - get intrsested for his sake I also agree that praise works best. They still need boundaries and consequences but try to offer genuine praise when appropriate. Let's us know how it goes ... View more

Hi @Calamity14    Sounds like it a really tough time for you.  I imagine your son is not in a very good place at the moment either. It sounds like your son has gone a long way down a certain path and it will take a lot of little steps to bring him back.    The good news is there is time for him to take those steps, but frustratingly, he will need to choose to take them, you can't make him.   There is a lot in your comment and let's see if I unpack a few and offer something of my thoughts and hopefully that might help.      "when we find out he has done something wrong or lied he gets angry at us for interfering with his life" Sounds very familiar.  The point of parenting is to interfere with his life and try to guide and help him make the right choices.  If you are not interfering you are not parenting .. your observing.  Take this as a badge of pride! Don't apologize for caring and loving your son.   "  I want to take him to see a counsellor to talk" I think you are on the right track with encourage you to continue to concu Would he be open to support from somewhere independant like Headspace etc.  They are child focused and the sessions are private (exclude parents).  Staff there can arrange phycologists to assist your son deal with any issues he might be acting out.   If you bring this up with him focus on how it is private and not involving joint session with his parents.     "I have given him choices and consequences"  This is one of the things good parenting involves.  Smoking weed, skipping school and achol are all very serious so make sure the consequences match the choices and are not under or over reactions.    "He sees my reaction as the problem not his behaviour"  Sounds familiar too.  At that age they don't have the understanding of the danger they can put themselves in nor the impact of their actions.  So naturally when you put restraints around his behaviour he see that as unreasonable.   My suggestion here is to try and make the discussion about the behaviour and why you see it as unacceptable and it has to be relevant to him.  His safety, his development, his well being.  Avoid abatary things like "I said so", "when I was your age", "other kids your age aren't..." or "it the rules of the house".  They mean nothing to him I am sure you are already working on this but be sure to LISTEN to what he has to say.  Just don't talk at him.   My final thought it all you can do is love, support and try to parent them through this tough time. In the end he will make his choices and even if they aren't the one you agree with all you can do is love him   ... View more

Sounds like your got the easy part well in hand - the setting of the plan Now the hard part - sticking to the plan and making it happen    Good luck.. let us know how it goes. Hope it leads to a better place for everyone ... View more

Hi MrsKode   Sounds like you are moving forward and it is good that your have a path that can lead to a better place.  That is great.   Just remember It is her responsibility to find somewhere to live if she chooses this behaviour and consequence.   While you want to help and assist her, at the end of the day it is her responsibility to find somewhere alternative.  Don't let her throw back road blocks about your suggestions for her choices of where to live i.e. it to far from her friends, too expensive, too crappy a place.    It is her life, her choices and her responsibility to find an alternative. Be on the lookout delaying tactics and try to put the responsibility on you to find a place. If she is complaining about her options remind her she is always welcome in your home provided her behaviour is appropriate.   If she doesn't like what is available it highlights what she needs to do to get better options. I  ... View more

Hi MrsKode   Sounds like your family is going through a tough time. Situations like you describe can make you dread coming home.   My partners daughter (16-17) was doing similar to us last year (though she was an only child) She would SMS her mother orders for food from her room, scream and yell and made my partners life hell.  She was lucky enough to be able to come and stay at my house some nights.   In the end one day my partner snapped and said she was moving in with her mother and selling the house. In response the daughter packed up and left to live with her boyfriends family Since then their relationship has significantly improved and now her daughter is very appreciative and they do breakfast     Personally I couldn't believe my partner went there, she is such a gentle person. Then I believe we were lucky in what happened when her daughter moved out.  It easily could have gone down a very different dark path.   With your daughter, you don't mention a history of mental health issues so I presume she has not been diagnosed with a mental condition?   Without a professional assessment it can be very hard to know the difference.  If she is not willing to be assessed it can it extremely difficult to know.   In either case you need to consider all your family not just your daughter here. You have a responsibility to protect your son from the conflict and to your own mental health While there may not be physical abuse I can assure you it is impacting him negatively and possibly permanently   If there is medical issues your daughter may need medical professional help. Hopefully she would be willing to be checked and if so it may lead to improvement in behaviour.     I presume in my comments below there is not an underlying medical issue here but a behavioural one. While your love and care for your daughter but sometimes that love means making hard choices. If your daughter isn't willing to change her behaviour or even consider counselling and has continued this way for a year, she is leaving you with only two choices.    1) Let her stay and she will continue as she is 2) Let her know while she is always loved the behaviour is not acceptable and if she wont change she has to leave.   Sounds pretty hard I know but there is more than her involved here.  She is 18 and has choices and must accept the consequences of her actions.   At the end of the day She does NOT have a right to make your life a living hell She does NOT have a right to be rude and manipulative to you and your family   She DOES have choices (presuming no medical issues) She DOES have to accept the impact of her choices   You DO have a right to be treated with politeness and respect You DO have to protect yourself and your son        ... View more

Hi Worrisome   I was sad to hear you had another night of terrible behaviour.  They take such a toll on both you and your daughter.  It is very normal and understandable to be frustrated worried and upset when issues start on a downwards spiral.   I would praise and encourage you for sticking in there.  Your love and care do make a difference to your daughter even if she struggles to shows it.   Peers are a big influence in our lives, especially with Teenagers.  As you say the positive of a special school is they are setup for assisting kids but the down side is the peers they associate with can be very troubled and provide poor peer examples.   There are no easy answers here and every child is different. I would suggest trying to look over a longer term, rather than making knee jerk reactions to such a big decision.    How is the behaviour trending?    Is the situation with the school/peers helping over the longer period? Is she getting the education she needs? Can you communicate how the peer role models are examples of how things can go so wrong? Can you use the peers to point out what is good and working in her life?   In the end generic advise is all well and good but you will need specific strategies tailored for your daughter. You need her buy in to any tailored plan and the best way to get these is through a child psychologist who specialises in this area.   My last thought is stick in there.  While love may not conquer all, along with patience and understanding it is what all our kids need in the end. ... View more

I hope she is safe now? If she is still missing have you reported it to the police ? ... View more

Hi Nervous,   It is incredibly hard to watch your children suffer, especially when they are doing things to harm themselves.  I was very worried when my partners daughter started to have issues similar to the ones you describe below (But not as serious).     She too ended up in a non-traditional education path taking "distance education" courses despite living in a capital city.  That helped a lot so in our experience that was a great move.   Getting her medical treatment was another big part of the approach my partner took.   GP MEntal health plans,  Psychologists and a child physiatrist were all involved in trying to get strategies and the medication she needed.   That combined with love, many stressed and worried nights were what we used. It all took a long time, and there was reversals where things went backwards.   If you have her in the new school and it is working.. keep pushing that. If you have got medical help great and if you havent I would suggest getting that.  Be persistent with the medical system it takes a pushy mum to get there but you can if you persist.   And talk about how the relapse and how it make you worried for her.  Make the discussion about her and her life and the consequences you fear for her actions. ... View more

You only want the best for your kids It hurts to see them make choices you wouldn't The reality is at 17 you no longer can Dictate thier choices All I can offer is my parenting experience You sad if he goes out then no church trip Then Stick to that Consequences for choices is the most important thing you can teach older teens How much importance the church trip had that is something I cannot say At the end of the day They are nearing adulthood. That means they have to make their own choices and the results ... View more

Being a good dad is hard and takes a lot.of work and sacrifice Anyone male can be a father Being a good dad is hard I worked shift work many years then was divorced. Doing both same time would be incredibly hard Saying that, you need to focus on you and your children What your ex does in her down time is immaterial. You say you workimg 3 x week If u getting the some time off on the other four then that is your chance for you time Any parent worth the name will tell house it is hard As someone at the end of a divorce and with young adults I would say it's bloody hard but worth putting hard yards in ... View more

I have my late teens help me with large chores What I have found works for us is plenty of notice of the chores then letting them chose when they do them in date range Tells them about their responsibilities while requiring them to contribute to household upkeep ... View more