Hi @Spainh1    It would be incredibly hard to resist making yourself feel better by giving in to the screaming. Good on you for putting the long term well being of you daughter first.   I really like how you talk about "wants" and separated that from the "basic needs" parents always need to provide.     ... View more

Hi @Uclanm1    OK I admit it..  As a middle aged white father I don't get the i ntricacies of teen girl relationships.   The only thing I can imagine to offer as advice is:   as "Parent" you should not really be part of the teen to teen conversation.  Buying into "she said like this" and then "she said like that" is something to avoid.   My experience is parents are the enemy and the truth is first casualty in the generational war. Support your daughter.. offer her advice on how to handle her relationships but don't directly engage in the relationship and discussions.   Finally remember..  Blood children can do say and do horrible things to their biological parents so don't take it personally if you daughters friend says or does something horrible.          ... View more

Hi @DadFad    I can hear and empathize with your frustration. The separation and later divorce I went through was not pleasant for anyone involved with us ending up in family court.   The feeling of powerlessness who professes to put the well being of children first and then does things  or supports the action of others that you don't believe are in the best interest of the children is devastating.   I am going to avoid launching into my own tirade against the system but choose rather to let you know you are not alone in your frustration, anger and utter disbelief at how the system operates.    There is no winners in a situation like you find your family in. IMHO all you can do is to try and survive it and do what you can to keep your relationship with your children positive.     When you say " you can't fix parental immaturity and irresponsibility" and   "I 've been told not to criticize the other parent and do for the most part" that really made me think about how hard it was for me not to criticize my ex in font of my kids... I really tried so so hard but  I still did it some of the time.   Looking back at it having come out the other side I talk with my children and I can see the hurt in their eyes today when we reflect on the separation and particularly how they still recall how the worst thing for them was when one parent criticized the other.     So my final words based on having survived the family court system I hear your frustration you are not alone in feeling this way and while horrible you can survive it Do what you can to protect your relationship with your kids and in particular avoid criticizing your ex as much as you possibly can as it can be devastating to the children (even older teens)           ... View more

Hi @Spainh1    We all love to spoil our children and try to bring joy into their lives.  It makes us feel great to do good things for those we love.     To my way of thinking, Presents at Christmas are not an entitlement and while not being earned they should be deserved and I get a lot of joy out of giving them.   I like giving nice things to my children and I know my partner is always giving little things to her daughter to show her love.  When she has had to withhold things she would like to give a result of her daughters actions it is increasingly hard for her as that is how my partner shows her love and it makes her feel so good.   The problem is if you put your feelings first, by doing the things that make you feel good and reward bad behavior with presents you will never teach you children about consequences.     I have and definitely see my partner struggle to put the long goal of helping our children grow and learn about consequences of actions ahead of making our children happy in the short term..   So to answer your question  I would not give them anything lavish or special for Christmas   I would suggest it is really important to talk to your teen before her Christmas to explain what you are doing for Christmas and why.  The last thing you want is an explosion on Christmas day because she didn't get the latest iGadget she was expecting.   One thing I would say before embarking on this plan, the issues of respect and behavior are not going to be fixed in a day, a week or even a month.  With holding presents at Christmas has to be part of a larger strategy or all you are doing is going to result in a very unhappy Christmas day. So this would need to be part of a wider strategy on how boundaries are set.       ... View more

Hi @dad80dad80    I guess if I had to pick one thing it would be that my kids are making friends and learning how to get along with others.     We hear so much about bullying these days and both my kids had few if any friends at school.   The good news as they have gone along it doesn't seem to be have worried them as much as it has me! But that's being a Parent is about.. you always worrying about your kids at one level or another. ... View more

Improvements will come in small steps... Hope the therapy works out well..  ... View more

hi @LenoreG    it is tough when out teens turn into young adults.  Especially when they start making decisions you don't approve off.     Getting your daughter onto contraception sounds like a good step.  At 19 kids tend think there current love is for ever and nothing ever will break up there perfect love.   A few years later things can look very different.     Sounds like your daughter is studying at college which is good.   What is she looking to do after graduation?   It is hard to have our kids move out but it is an important step in becoming and adult to live independent of parents and develop the life skills to be an adult ... View more

Hi @Deebumblebee    It must be scary having your daughter doing something which is putting herself at risk. Sounds like you are doing the right things with trying to control access and getting medical help.   I can't add a personal anecdote as we never faced this with out kids and hopefully with time and some help it will only be a temporary thing in your family.     ... View more

Hi @antitype    It is never easy to have conflict in a family and wanting to have peace and harmony in a family is admirable. The reality of your daughters behavior would have been quite difficult to deal with and there probably is no good answer to the situation you found yourself in.   Sorry to ask a hard question right up but ... Why are you buying/giving money to your 16 year old daughter to buy cigarettes? I know it is not a popular thing to say but Nicotine is a highly addictive drug and cigarettes have long term health impacts.    With the interaction you outline, it sounds like your daughter was acting like a drug addict only caring about their next fix.  Given dealing with dependency issues of any type are always an extremely hard situation to deal with it is not surprising that  when you were feeling ill you weren't in a position to handle it well.   IMHO you probably should evaluate the whole question of buying cigarettes for your daughter when you are feeling at 100% and in that avoid similar situations moving forward.   It is quite typical for addicts to be lacking any sort of empathy or compassion when craving their next fix.   Unfortunately being a parent means sometime you have to act in a way that causes conflict and distress in the short term to help our children in the longer term.   I would suggest if you are willing to address the underlying issue of buying cigarettes in the first place you do it in a planed way.      Make sure you are in private, it is not too late in the day the person appears calm and more likely to be receptive. When you raise the issue  own what you say (i.e.  I felt scared the other day when..) Look for solutions not to allocate blame...  ( I would like to work out a way we can) Avoid emotive and exaggerating words  (Huge issue.. )   Some of these can help keep the discussion focused on the issue rather than turning into a shouting match about what is being said.   And above all ... Seek to Understand before being Understood     ... View more

Hi @Kamilla111    Sounds like you are dealing with an irate parent who expects you to re-order your life to meet there wants. Funnily enough I was having a discussion this very weekend (and into this week) with my partner about dealing with her mother who does exactly the same thing!.   There are a number of things that I spoke to my partner about and I think they are worth sharing with others. First, sometimes as people get older things can get confusing (like with my 93 old step mum) but I presume at 25 your are not dealing with this. Second, Loving and helping someone doesn't give them the right to behave badly.  You are worthy of respect and can still help and love someone while demanding they treat you with respect.   As I read the details of your story it appears to me you had a plan agreed with your father that he didn't quite understand.  He figured you were busy for work which he accepted as a #1 priority but then found out it was not the case and he expected to be #1 priority.   IMHO  You sound like you have done all to be reasonable right up to the bit where you " I wrote a long message to my dad apologizing if I offended him somehow, that it was not my intention".     I understand the desire to try an make peace but I would suggest apologizing for acting reasonably and changing your plans are exactly the wrong things to do.  You can be loving and respectful whilst demanding to be treated with respect.   I have been coaching my partner (not sure how much she is listening) when her mother starts screaming, to say in a calm tone "Mae, I love you and want to help you but I will not be yelled at. Once you have calmed down we can talk about it Love you... " Then hang up the phone and turn it off for half an hour.   Your offered him to attend the party, you offered special time exclusive with him. That is more than reasonable.  Even if you were being unreasonable (which you weren't) that doesn't give your farther the right to behave like you describe.   You should not tolerate people abusing you. Being a parent is no excuse to abuse children. I do realize there are cultural issues in play here, but that is still no excuse.   You have right to be treated with respect and a right to demand it              ... View more

Hi @Jess1-RO    Most of the strategies evolved over time.. specifically the time scheduling and limiting of activities. Both myself and children benefit from know what is happening in advance.   Others including communicate why it is important they participate and Being grateful for their help letting them know the schedule is negotiable participation is not are ones I have used since they were tiny and I was explaining to them why the toys had to go back in the box when they were going to bed. ... View more

Hi Everyone   I find the best way to spend time with my  older teens is to do chores together. Once a fortnight we have an hour or two doing house hold chores.   Cleaning, Gardening, home improvement it doesn't matter so much what it is as doing it together. The upsides of this are many Time together Learning life skills Making them feel valued for their contribution to the home Avoid Papa getting stressed out by the mess Oh and did I mention a clean living room and carpets ? The things that make this work for us are Keep it to an hour - max 2 hours  Have it at an agreed time Agree the time at least 36 hours in advance Be communicate why it is important they participate (see upsides above) While Being grateful for their help also let them know the schedule is negotiable participation is not   It was funny last weekend when I tried to add an extra task (cleaning the windows) with a spay bottle that goes on the end of the hose.     I was trying to tell my daughter it would be fun .. she just looked down her nose at me and said "Dad we are too old to tricked into doing chores by you telling us it will be fun"   Oh well it worked for a few years    ... View more

Hi @Angel0713    It sounds like you are very concerned about the  vaping unit you found. Have you asked your son about it ?   I would suggest that if you haven't that is a great place to start. My experience with raising difficult issues is to make sure the time and location are suitable. Effective communication involves a lot of things.. far to much to cover in a brief post but here are some of the keys ones I focus on:   Make sure you are in private, it is not too late in the day the person appears calm and more likely to be receptive. When you raise the issue  own what you say (i.e.  I felt scared the other day when..) Look for solutions not to allocate blame...  ( I would like to work out a way we can) Avoid emotive and exaggerating words  (Huge issue.. ) And above all Seek to understand before being understood. ... View more

Hi @KattMomma    it is definitely hard when we see our children struggling.   School is definitely more than just academic classes, there is the whole social side which is part of the learning.  Like your son, both my children we not social in the school setting. Repeatedly I had my friends raise their concerns about the lack of interaction my children had with others at school.     It sounds like your son is able to get along at school both academically and socially and is NOT suffering bullying or harassment which is good news?     Not all kids are social in schools and IMHO it is OK for a child to be an " introvert ", though it can be hard if you as a parent are more "extroverted".   I often struggled with this with my kids during their early teens.  Now they are at University my son is very socially active and my daughter has remained her own best friend.  Both are happy with who they are though even now I desperately try to get my daughter "out" with others as much as I can.   Today being "in" (your home) is not as isolating as it was when we were younger.   Social media, on line games etc all have interactions that were not available when we were younger. IMHO it is no substitute for face to face time with friend but then I am told that is an old mans view by some young ones!   If you did not worry for your children it would mean you were not a good parent.   Is there anything you can interest your son in outside of school to help him develop friends. Sports ? Games?  Clubs?     I believe alternatives to traditional schooling in the right situation it is a god send.  In the wrong situation I believe home schooling can make things worse.  My step daughter does distance learning from home as part of a plan developed by her physiologist and psychiatrist and that is right for her.   My son and daughter both did traditional schooling despite being "introvert" as I mentioned above and that was right for them as it helped them improve their social skills which are part of what they needed to learn to become independent adults.   I can't say what you should do, I am not in a position to do so.  What I can say is it sounds like you love and care very much for your son and it is always hard to watch them struggle.           ... View more

hI @Maruko    You could also try reach out coaching if you would like to get some one-one suggestions on how to structure the conversations with your son.     Reachout Coaching ... View more

hi @Maruko    Good luck .. and remember the old truism   Seek to understand before being understood.     i.e. try to see your husbands point of view before putting yours forward.  If he feels you listening to him he is far more likely to listen to you.  And I cant tell you how many times when I listen first I end up rethinking my comments before I make them   You could start with something like..   I was very upset with what happened on Tuesday, I felt scared and worried how our son might have felt about it.. Do you have some thoughts or ideas on how we could work together and get a better result if it happens again?   ... View more

A friend of my partner and mine lost her brother last week. We went to the funeral on Tuesday and I have checked in with her today..  Just sent her a SMS with some jokes and let he know we are thinking of her and care!   p.s.  Life is treating me very well.. my children and almost step child are all growing and developing into great young adults.   My partner and I love each other very much.. I have a good job... While I am not 25 anymore and things ache from time to time I am in pretty good health.   I have a lot to be thankful for ... View more

Hi @Help_needed    Sorry I cant offer any advice on hypnotherapy as I haven't had it personally or anyone in my immediate family used it.   I imagine the effectiveness would depend on what sort of issue a person has been having, if they are physiological or physiological and the effectiveness and skill of the hypnotherapist.   I would be very careful about going down this path without discussing it with her physiologist first. ... View more

hi @Maruko    Your situation sounds troubling..  @Maruko wrote: then walked to us yelling harsh words, n he punched the wall saying "u should punch like me, u chicken bla bla bla".  Violence is a serious issue and it sounds like the behavior of your husband is quite serious.   While you can work to assist your hubby to help him deal with his issues, at the end of the day he needs to want to change his behavior and take the steps to deal with it.   As I haven't had a violent partner I cant offer any personal practical advice on how to raise this specific issue. My experience with raising difficult issues is to make sure the time and location are suitable. Effective communication involves a lot of things.. far to much to cover in a brief post but here are some of the keys ones I focus on:   Make sure you are in private, it is not too late in the day the person appears calm and more likely to be receptive. When you raise the issue  own what you say (i.e.  I felt scared the other day when..) Look for solutions not to allocate blame...  ( I would like to work out a way we can) Avoid emotive and exaggerating words  (Huge issue.. )   Some of these can help keep the discussion focused on the issue rather than turning into a shouting match about what is being said.   BUT at the end of the day .. no matter how skillfully an issue is raised, if the other person doesn't want to acknowledge or discuss the issue it is all but impossible to get them to engage. ... View more

Hi There   yep alive and well.. just back from a week on an Island with my Partner...  Wild life, open fire, chocolates and wine (non chocoholic for her)   Big trip for her as she is very much the home body and I have wandering feet ... View more

From what I have seen we have come far in inclusions of those different but there still remains intolerance and bigotry I had a special needs child in one of my auskick teams and image such a difference to his life and all on the team I treassure it as one of my best memories of that time when his mother thanked us for having him as part of the team The funny thing is when I tried to discuss it with my son he didn't even know what I was talking about..he just accepted him as he was Don't you wish all we meet could be as accepting as a 6 year old ... View more

Hi @Th3F0x Sounds like you love your son and miss him a lot while working long hours. I know when my kids were babies I hated not being able to be with them. TBH I got jealous of time others had. That was my choice and my reaction. It took me years later before I reconciliated this. I was not the wrong choice but there was a cost on me to provide for My family. The behaviour of granddad may simply be poor understanding of how you feel about how you are feeling. My recommendation is to be firm while being respectful. explain to granddad you appreciate the support he gives. Then be firm and assert your authority as the father t push the pram. Granddad hopefully will respect a take charge approach on your behalf. Also be sure to get your wife on board first. She might even help tall with her dad And 2 finial notes: There is room for more than 1 positive male role model in a child life Dad is always a special place in a child life. Making it a loving supportive positive attitude is on you ... View more

Hi It is understandable your daughter would be anxious given the situation Sound like you are on the right path. Getting help medical help. I presume you have had her doctor look for physiological causes in addition to a psychologist. In addition to being supportive parent I can't offer any additional suggestions. Keep being loving, suporting while avoiding adding to her anxiety ... View more

Hi , Simple answer is no. IMHO your reaction was just right The actions you describe are not discipline they are low level child abuse Kicking a child or Flicking the forehead are not forms of coral punishment, they are abuse. Extracting your child and preventing them returning is the minimum appropriate action. Calling and reporting these activities to child protection stating concerns over any children permenately in the home would be also something to considering ... View more

Hi @DSmum    Welcome Being a parent is can be a struggle especially in the early to mid teens! If there is any thing you want to ask feel free.. or just browse the forums you might find someone else has been/going through similar challenges   p.s.  what are we baking this weekend... I probably going to be making some sausage rolls over the weekend..  Good old Aussie style ... View more

After taking my kids to visit my 93 yr old step mum I am bribing my kids with dinner out ... View more

My best tip...  Isolate them.. in the bush is great (Camping/walking) or in the car (no phones!) anywhere they are not distracted by other things so you can get their interest and attention.    Like their Pa it is a waste of time trying to talk to them when they are distracted and have electronic devices.   ... View more

Hi @QueenV    This is a troubling issue, and as a parent I am understand how upsetting it can be for both you and your son. School is not just about academic education but also social development and part of helping our teens move into independent living.   My (almost) step daughter went through something similar and with persistence my partner was able to engage her daughter with medical professionals and to get a formal diagnosis.  This then allowed her access to "distance education" even though we live in a major city.  Through this program she was able to use to continue her education.   They key to all of this for us was realizing in her case it wasn't just a recalcitrant child but a genuine mental issue which had to be dealt with.  No as she nears 18 she is working on completing year 12   Not saying this is applicable to anyone else but this was our experience.       ... View more