CW: Trauma after suicide attempt/Loneliness

[Hrafnir]

Hello there,

brief background: In 2009 I left my abusive ex husband under dramatic circumstances. We spent a brief time in a women's shelter, and then established a new home in a place 600km away from him. From that time I've been raising our kids (now 27, 18, and 16) by myself with the help of the community around me. I did three best I could, but being depressed and traumatized myself, things obviously weren't magically perfect. I missed the signs...

The night to Monday at half past four I got a WhatsApp call from my youngest (non-binary) kid. "Mom, I think I made a mistake." - "What did you do?!". They harmed themselves.

What followed were the most horrible eight minutes in all of our lives. My oldest daughter immediately called an ambulance, I fought to keep that tiny person alive hands on. Eventually the paramedics arrived, took over, took them to the nearest hospital, and instructed us to wait and get tested until they called before we could follow (Covid restrictions in Germany).

Fast forward to today. After a brief stay in the ICU my kid is now in a mental health facility for children and adolescents. They're alive and on the mend, They're being watched... as am I, just not in the good way in my case.

I know this is about them. I'm glad the ultimate disaster didn't happen and they finally agreed to get all possible help for their depression, anxiety, and trauma (it's not like I didn't try to get them help before, but they were struggling to accept)... but I feel SO alone, yet constantly watched, and judged. The people around me don't say anything, in fact nobody is talking to me at all right now. They just give me looks. My ex husband is using this to further his narrative of how horrible I am "It had to come to this"), and what a perfect parent he is. I know I shouldn't care. I know he's wrong. He hurt the kids (and admitted to it in court), he's a narcissistic abuser... but I can't help the pain piling up on top of the guilt I'm ALREADY feeling because one of the people I love the most in the world didn't see a point in living anymore. Am I cursed? Am I toxic? Is he right?

I don't know how to go on. Of course I'm doing what I can to help my kid. I'll never stop. But I'm weak and in pain and desperate myself. How do we come back from this?

I'm sorry for burdening you with all this, I just don't know what to do. Thank you for listening.

[Jennifer-RO]

Hi @Hrafnir 

I’m sorry that you have been going through so much recently. It would be incredibly scary seeing your child go through a suicide attempt - you and your daughter handled the situation as best as you could and I’m glad to hear your child is now receiving the support they need.

I am concerned about you, what support and help do you have at the moment?

Being that you are not located in Australia, I am not able to advise you of any local services but are you able to speak to the mental health facility to see if they have any services for parents or referrals to help support you?

Whilst you mention being weak, in pain and desperate, I would say that you are incredibly strong, loving and compassionate. You have done what you could for your children for this long and are still striving to. We are thinking of you and your family.

Also, I’m just letting you know that I have had to edit some details from your post as they may be distressing to other community members.