Can't get my 14yo daughter to keep her room clean

[Crazymum66]

My 14yo daughter will not keep her room clean. I'm not talking a small mess. She has rotting food, dishes, clothes, rubbish everywhere. I have cleaned it for her and 2 days later it's the same. She's not allowed to eat in her room but she sneaks food in. I have offered her bribes to clean it that didn't work. I took her phone away that didn't work either. I'm at my wit's end how to address it. She doesn't look after anything she has. I actually have to sit at her door for her to clean it or she will just go in her room and read a book. Any tips on how to deal with a filthy teen?

[Philippa-RO]

Welcome @Crazymum66 - it's great to have you join the community. 

I can hear your frustration - I really feel for you with the stress this sounds like this is causing.

Can I ask how your daughter feels about her room? 

I noticed in another thread that you mentioned your daughter has ADHD and I'm wondering if she could be struggling with executive function. 
Does she have any professional support for her ADHD? If so, have her support people been able to offer any suggestions on ways to help her manage her room?

I thought this article had some nice tips if it's something you'd like to take a look at. For more individualised support, the ADHD Foundation have a helpline, or we have a one-to-one parent coaching service if you'd like to connect with them. 

I'm not sure if it's helpful, but sometimes I've found with my child who has ADHD that they seem to feel less overwhelmed if I break things right down for them... for example, I might just ask them to do one really specific manageable task (eg. pick up 5 things from the floor or put your shoes in your shoe basket). Is your daughter able to manage small tasks, or does she find any cleaning too hard?

We're here to support you as you try to find strategies that work for you and your daughter, so please feel free to talk things through here any time. 

[Crazymum66]

She takes meds for her ADHD. We went and saw a psychologist who suggested giving up her phone from 4pm.to.6pm to do her room or homework etc. That lasted a week. She also suggested doing her room in 15 minutes stints. So do 15 minutes then have a break then go again. That didn't work either. She doesn't care what it looks like. She has no pride in anything. She doesn't look after clothes I buy her she throws them on the floor. Presents get broken and she doesn't care. I can't get her to care about anything. We painted her room and got her a new bed in the hope she would take pride in her room. Didn't make any difference. I cleaned it for her as I couldn't stand the smell. It lasted 3 days then looked the same again. Unless it's something she's interested in she makes no effort. I will check out the article thanks.

[Courtney-RO]

Hi @Crazymum66 and thank you for getting back to us about this.

It sounds like you have tried a number of different things in hopes of getting your daughter to clean her room. You mentioned that one solution only lasted a week, do you mind me asking how long you tried these new suggestions for? Whether it was days or weeks. I'm also wondering if you have spoken to your daughter about this and asked what things she might be willing to try to help keep her room clean?

What kinds of things is your daughter interested in? Is there a way you could incorporate some of these things, to make cleaning her room a little more fun and interesting?

We're all here for you.

[Crazymum66]

She saw the psychologist for 5 months. I continued to try the suggestions she gave me for another month then gave up. It's so frustrating trying to get her to do it. Yet she will go elsewhere and people say how helpful she is. Yes I have asked her what would get her to clean her room. I get the usual replies if time riding her horse, money, time on her phone. Then she goes in her room and does nothing. I can honestly say I've tried everything. Friends say close the door and leave it. But it's becoming a health Hazzard. Mice are coming in for the food. For instance tonight she had netball training and had no clean top. That's because they are all dirty in a pile on the floor. Then she yells at me and says I should buy her a training top from the club. My reply so you can throw that on the floor too. Its causing problems between my husband and I now

[Iona_RO]

It sounds like it's a really stressful time for everyone in the family at the moment. It's really great that you are reaching out for some support even when you're feeling frustrated. 

It sounds like your daughter might be struggling with executive dysfunction, which can be really debilitating for people with ADHD. And sometimes things that we think are really simple tasks, are extremely difficult when ADHD is involved. I'm wondering if you have tried to clean her room with her? Having someone else to make the task less overwhelming (without just doing it all for her) might be something to explore. It could even turn into a time you get to spend together one on one to chat about how you're both feeling.

Have you got any supports in place for yourself at the moment? It's so important to remember to look after yourself too. 

[Crazymum66]

No I have never had any support with her ADHD for her or me. Thanks for the tips of.will try and help her clean it.

[Erin0110]

I suppose you don't like my advice, but don't clean her room, she knows that it's important for you and maybe even exhausts you. If she wants to be in a messy room, it's her right. At least she will get tired of living in the dirt and she will clean herself

[Crazymum66]

That's the point she won't clean it and it's becoming a health Hazzard. It's been like it now for 6 months ☹️

[Philippa-RO]

@Crazymum66 I can really hear how stressful this is for you. 

I noticed you said you don't have much support and I was wondering if you think it would be helpful to link with an ADHD parent support group to connect with other parents who are going through similar things? If so, ADHD Foundation and ADHD support Australia  both have support groups.