Concerned about 15 yr old daughter starting to take high risk taking behaviour recently

[Flutterby]

Hello,

My 15yr old daughter has recently been behaving uncharacteristically and I'm worried about her, whether it's a combination of being in lockdown, teenage hormones and naturally wanting to seek her independence but she's going about it in ways I'm worried about and how it's affecting her mental health.

The first thing that happened last week was she snuck out from our house while we were asleep at home to catch a bus by herself in the middle of the night to meet up with a boy who lives on the other side of the city. She got lost and was unable to contact anyone due to her phone running out of battery and finally got help whereby the police called us at 2am to pick her up in the middle of the night. I had no idea she had snuck out and didn't know she was that desperate to start experimenting sexually.  Even though she was distraught she didn't want to call us to help her, but rather called her friends to try and get herself out of the situation. I am concerned that she didn't think that she was putting herself in any danger by doing this or what the risks were about meeting someone under these circumstances.

The other incident was that she met up with one of her girlfriend's to catch up and hangout in the park/picnic for a couple of hours. Her friend brought alcohol and they drank about 1/2 a bottle of spirits straight between them. She was extremely drunk and unable to stand or speak properly - I was so worried and thought she had possibly concussed herself I had to call an ambulance. She is struggling with not being able to see friends from school, and is feeling pretty isolated socially despite having a small group of friends, some of whom she has had some issues around trust and typical girl's talking behind her back. But I am concerned that she typically hasn't acted out like this before. She also is keen to start being sexually active and we've found that she tried to join adult dating sites and also that she has been on various social platforms like Winc, Snapchat etc...

We have taken her phone and are monitoring her messages for now and making sure she is not accessing these sites. However it is the way that teenagers are connecting now especially during lockdown, and she is worried that she will lose connection with her friends while we are showing her 'tough love' and not allowing her to use these social platforms. I have recently made an appointment for her to see our GP to discuss taking the pill - however I'm not 100% comfortable with this as i don't think she is ready mentally, but I don't want her to feel I am not supporting her.

We have made an appointment to see a psychologist but I'm just still feeling overwhelmed and confused about it, if this is at all 'normal ' teenage behaviour or if it's something to be more concerned about?  

[Matthew-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi Flutterby,

Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences about your daughter’s recent change in behavior. It sounds like you really care for your daughter and want to do what’s best for her but are unsure about what the future holds for her based on what’s happened so far.

In terms of what is normal or not in this situation. That is too subjective of a question to really answer definitively. From my perspective, I have certainly been in situations like your daughter at the same age. I was eager to experiment with members of the opposite sex and with alcohol as soon as I could. As an adult now, perhaps I would consider some of the things I did as reckless, but I would say they were normal.

I can say that rebelling, experimenting and hiding things from your parents is 100% normal and is part of human development. We are hard wired as humans to try and differentiate ourselves from our parents as adolescence.

My question to you is, have you ever had similar situations yourself when you were younger?

When you were young, did you ever get yourself into a situation that you hid from your parents?

Have you ever drunk more than you wanted, and ended up needing help from someone?

If the answer is yes to these questions, then perhaps consider what makes this different from when you experimented, versus how she is experimenting now. Is it the change in role (e.g. Now you are the parent and she is the child)? Is it that you don’t quite trust your daughter yet? Or is it something else.

If the answer is no to these questions, then perhaps this maybe what is causing the disconnect between you and her. If you do not have a relatable experience to compare with your daughter’s current experience, I can imagine he behavior would seem out of the norm for you.

To challenge you a little, I imagine your daughter has been hiding this side of herself from you and didn’t want to call you, as she perhaps feared your reaction. Considering you have punished her, I can imagine this pattern may continue, unless you two are able to come to a mutual agreement around safe experimentation.

What was your daughter’s perspective around speaking to a psychologist?

I know changes in our loved ones behavior can be stressful and worrying (especially as a parent), however sometimes these changes are a matter of when instead of if. I know you love your daughter and do your best to help her along as much as you can. 

All the best.

[Matthew-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi Flutterby,

Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences about your daughter’s recent change in behavior. It sounds like you really care for your daughter and want to do what’s best for her but are unsure about what the future holds for her based on what’s happened so far.

In terms of what is normal or not in this situation. That is too subjective of a question to really answer definitively. From my perspective, I have certainly been in situations like your daughter at the same age. I was eager to experiment with members of the opposite sex and with alcohol as soon as I could. As an adult now, perhaps I would consider some of the things I did as reckless, but I would say they were normal.

I can say that rebelling, experimenting and hiding things from your parents is 100% normal and is part of human development. We are hard wired as humans to try and differentiate ourselves from our parents as adolescence.

My question to you is, have you ever had similar situations yourself when you were younger?

When you were young, did you ever get yourself into a situation that you hid from your parents?

Have you ever drunk more than you wanted, and ended up needing help from someone?

If the answer is yes to these questions, then perhaps consider what makes this different from when you experimented, versus how she is experimenting now. Is it the change in role (e.g. Now you are the parent and she is the child)? Is it that you don’t quite trust your daughter yet? Or is it something else.

If the answer is no to these questions, then perhaps this maybe what is causing the disconnect between you and her. If you do not have a relatable experience to compare with your daughter’s current experience, I can imagine he behavior would seem out of the norm for you.

To challenge you a little, I imagine your daughter has been hiding this side of herself from you and didn’t want to call you, as she perhaps feared your reaction. Considering you have punished her, I can imagine this pattern may continue, unless you two are able to come to a mutual agreement around safe experimentation.

What was your daughter’s perspective around speaking to a psychologist?

I know changes in our loved ones behavior can be stressful and worrying (especially as a parent), however sometimes these changes are a matter of when instead of if. I know you love your daughter and do your best to help her along as much as you can. 

All the best.