I'm hoping to get some advice on how to communicate with my very angry 16 year old daughter. It's hard to know where to start as our family has literally been living with tension from her for a very long time. She has always been fairly reserved and moody even when she was younger - always very monotone and brief in her responses if asked any question (how was your day? what did you do at school?). I've never been sure whether she lacked confidence or it is just part of her personality and she is just introverted. I've tried over the years to get her engaged in everything we do as a family but she either has no interest in anything we do, would make situations and outings so uncomfortable for all of us because of her mood, or goes the other extreme and says comments like "I know you all don't want me here" if we do or arrange something that she doesn't know about because she has made it so difficult to include her in the first place. It's almost like she wants us to give up or abandon her so she can justify to herself that she is right - she quite often has moments of self pity when she will accuse us (me, my husband and our other daughter who is 13) of not wanting her in the family.
I feel we have tried every possible avenue to help her (doctors, psychologists, school chaplains, teachers, her friends and their parents), but she will actively rebel against any sort of help. She won't open up to anyone - she is very close to the school chaplains but even they have said that she will not confide in them. She doesn't want to spend time with friends on the weekends and from what I can tell she doesn't seem to have much empathy for her friends. She does tend to keep her friends at arm's length, particularly those closest to her. She does have a boyfriend, but he lives a few hours away on a property, so she speaks to him on the phone most nights and probably exaggerates to him what is going on at home to get sympathy. I took her to a child psychologist last year but after about 4 sessions my daughter told me that I am wasting my money as she just sits there and doesn't say anything. I'm sure the psychologist may have been able to make some progress eventually but I feel like every appointment I made her go to she hated me that little bit more. I find that she is now quite rude to nearly everyone we know (especially my family - I think she just sees my sisters as an extension of me). She spends most of her time at home in her room behind a closed door, her room has been a complete mess for months and she seems to take no pride in wanting to clean it and make it look nice. She won't help with any chores around the house but expects us to be at her beck and call if she wants to go anywhere. She will also not tell us what is going on in her life - if she needs or wants anything she will let us know at the last minute and then says don't worry about it, she'll get or do it herself and makes out that we don't care about her. If we ask her any question she now just mumbles a short answer and most of the time we have to ask her to say it again because she won't speak loud enough for us to hear her. I feel like I have only just scraped the surface of everything that has gone on with her. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page, although we are both at a loss as to how to help her. My other daughter is very affected by it - my girls are like chalk and cheese - my 13 year old is one of the most caring kids I know and she just wants a big sister who loves her. Unfortunately her sister never has anything nice to say to her.
I'm at the stage now where I feel I have talked to friends and family too often about our issues and I don't want our current relationship to be set in stone forever by always talking about it. I'm hoping someone has some advice that we haven't tried - we've ignored, we've been normal, we've set boundaries, we've taken away privileges, we've given in (way too often!), we've talked, given advice, left her alone, given her space, we've yelled (maybe a bit too much in frustration!) - and all to no avail.
Tonight things came to a head a bit - it seemed to come out of nowhere - we were sitting having dinner and one comment led to another and then she said "I'm always the one making all the effort and I get nothing back in return". With that she stormed to her bedroom - and of course I followed her - begging for her to let me know what is wrong and why she feels the way she does. Not long after that she said she was leaving and walked out. I drove around for 10 minutes looking for her - I found her at the park at the end of our street - she agreed to come home but has been in her bedroom ever since. I did stick my head in after about an hour but the look of hate on her face makes me think we have crossed a line that is going to be very hard to cross back.
I am happy to receive any advice which may help. I just want my daughter (and the rest of our family) to be happy!
TIA xx
