About Dad4good

Dad4good · ‎09-10-2021

Hi everyone. It’s been a few years since I've been on here. Lately I haven’t been coping all that great and so I just wanted to share my experiences and feel heard. I have three teenagers; my son (eldest) and two daughters. In early primary school my son was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and GAD. It was always a struggle raising him. After multiple schools (including a specialised school) and various supporting health professionals, about three or four years ago, things got out of control. He would run away for weeks at a time, was ending up in ED and mental health facilities, was getting in trouble with the police, taking drugs and was violent in the home. We tried everything, but nothing ever worked. He eventually refused professional help. I came to realise there was nothing I (or anyone) could really do, at least not while he was unwilling. In the early years of primary school he sexually assaulted his younger sister (my middle child). She was only very young and initially I didn't treat it with enough seriousness to get professional support (I didn't even really see it as sexual assault). A few years later it was apparent that she wasn't coping and so she started seeing a psychologist. Things seemed to get better. After 6-months or so, the psychologist was happy to finish up the sessions. Over this time, their mum was struggling with her own mental health. She was employed, but for some years she really wasn't able to provide the parental support our children needed. I tended to be the primary caregiver. A couple of years ago I separated from my wife. Sometime after (just before covid) our middle child again showed a noticeable decline in her mood. And as covid took hold she got very depressed, feeling suicidal, self-harming again needing professional help. Then, in June she tried to suicide and was rushed to hospital and a mental health facility. Her psychologist said we needed to separate her from her brother and so now they live apart (but still with parents). Meanwhile, over the past couple of years my son was doing a little better. He wasn't so aggressive at home (although that's largely because we don't ask much of him) and he wasn't running away for weeks on end. He was however still getting in trouble with the police (he has a bunch of court dates approaching) and he no longer is in any form of education. He also revealed to me, and his health team, that he has been hallucinating and that he was sexually assaulted when he was younger. A month ago he was admitted to a psychiatric facility and has recently been released. They've given him additional diagnoses of complex PTSD and a cluster B personality disorder. Through all of this, my youngest child has managed to avoid mental illness and has a positive self-esteem. Nevertheless, I recognise she has been exposed to much of the chaos (e.g., her brothers’ aggression and she was home alone with her sister when she overdosed) and so she is also seeing a psychologist (just as a precautionary measure). With all of this, my greatest concern is my son. I really don’t know what will become of him. He can be so manipulative and explosive. As for my middle child. She used to be so outgoing, so strong. She now wrestles with feelings of suicide and self-harm. I am, however, confident she will get through it. She will beat her demons and she will grow up and thrive into whatever person she wants to become. I feel horrible that I see a different future for her than I do for my son. I wish I didn’t, but I do. When I’m with my son I make a conscious effort not to show it. I stay positive and supportive, but I wonder how much he still picks up on it. My youngest daughter has been amazing. She is emotionally mature and always happy to hang out and do things together. She has incredible insight into her siblings and can recognise her own thinking patterns and what to look out for. I gain a lot of strength from her.

Dad4good · ‎08-02-2019

Hey @Cadbury , Arghhh, teenagers can be so **bleep** mean . . . is there potential for her to join another team? Has she had a conversation with them about why things have changed? I wonder if you role could be in helping her to have that conversation?

Dad4good · ‎08-02-2019

Hey @DuckAquarium777 , Thanks for sharing, nothing worse than seeing your kids go through something and you feel hopeless. I agree with @TOM-RO in that it can be really helpful to use those resources, they are great! In my own experience with my children, confidence can be a really hard thing to foster (at least when they are not the best at the activity). I tend to try and provide feedback to my kids in a way that is positive but still linked to reality. For example, my 12 year old daughter plays basketball and is "afraid of the ball". I talk to her about this as an "opportunity to improve". I wonder if you can also introduce her to other things that may be in line with her natural abilities? It can be really hard to encourage someone into confidence when they keep "failing" at the task. After all, we all have our strengths and weaknesses and so maybe exposing her to those activities that are likely to experience success will help remind her that she has those strengths. I think it is great that your daughter has always tried really hard with basketball. Do you think that she may have already known that its not her strength (prior to the team mates comment)? If so, I wonder how she managed to keep motivated to practice so much. Maybe a conversation about the "other reasons to play the game" (i.e., just to have fun, keeping active, socialising) could be the greater purpose for continuing with the game. If the team mates are primarily in it for winning then this might be difficult. Could you join a different team. My daughter plays basketball for those other reasons, but this is easy for her because her team mates are supportive of this. Best of luck, let us know how you go!

Dad4good · ‎08-02-2019

Great response! I had "the conversation" with my son last year (in actual fact it was a number of conversations . . . its an open door). Actually, one thing that was a little awkward but I took my son to the supermarket and showed him how to buy condoms (he was running away a lot and so I felt that he needed to know how to access them when not at home). Yes, I even brought carrots and when we got home showed him how to put the condom on. Such an embarrassing dad . . . .

Dad4good · ‎08-02-2019

Hey @Parenting1 , Thanks for sharing, no issues are trivial! So, yah, he seems to be the type of person who engages only if he gets something out of it, hence, probably not all that useful for your daughters career. I'm thinking support her to go to the event. I think its great that she is thinking "I could still make other connections", she is demonstrating great initiative! Are there things she could do to prepare (i.e., alternative plans) in the event that he is messing her around and she hasn't got a spot to perform? What's your biggest worry? Is it around physical safety (i.e., she is alone and may lack the skills to be able to get around) or emotional safety (i.e., the "rejection" could hurt her self-esteem)?

Dad4good · ‎07-29-2019

Thanks so much for your response @PapaBill, really appreciate it! Good to hear that you guys found a suitable solution. My wife feels that the kids should have a "main" home (regular switching could lead them feeling unsettled). From your experience, did you get a sense of that being an issue in your family?

Dad4good · ‎07-13-2019

Hi everyone, I have three children (aged 11, 12, 15) and have 'separated' from my wife. I use quotation marks because we are all still living together (and we haven't told the kids). My wife does not like her work (and the pay is horrible). She also lacks qualifications and so we are staying together until she is better placed to live apart (so my following question is not time sensitive, but would sill love your feedback) . . . When we do separate, I would like to have our kids 50% of the time. I also would like to be flexible (e.g., if my wife was doing shift work then I would work around that). In general (in situations where both parents are capable of looking after the kids and both parents want whats best for the kids) do you think 50/50 is best for the kids? Or something else? What arrangement do you think works best?

Dad4good · ‎07-13-2019

Hey @Stressedmumma15 , Thanks for sharing your experiences. I have been through a similar situation, search: New member . . . HELLO! Its great to hear that you are using the available services. I think overall they are fantastic (even when your child doesn't want to use them, they can help give us strength). Last year was really hard, but we have had a massive improvement this year, so things can get better! We are not entirely out of the woods (past couple of days there's been a return to risky behaviours) but I'm taking this as a "laps" similar to anyone who is trying to make a positive change in life. I would like to give you some advise (not saying its right for everyone - feel free to disregard!). . . I used to be very proactive (doing everything I could to try and help him) and then on New Years Eve, I had enough. I decided that I had two other children (younger daughters) who actually wanted my attention, so I focused on them. My son new that I would be there for him, but that it was up to him to seek help. I'm not sure if it was this change in my behaviour that helped, but it may have. I also think it may have worked only because he had seen me (for the previous 8 months) running myself to exhaustion trying to help him. Who knows, it may have simply been a maturity thing (things would improve, you simply needed to give it time). From what you have described with your son, I can completely understand what you are going though. My thoughts are with you and stay strong :)

Dad4good · ‎07-13-2019

Hey @Papaa , It sounds like a really stressful situation. As @Jess1-RO commented, there are others who have been in a similar situation, so thanks for sharing. Clearly you have the best of intentions for your children, grandchildren and their partners. That's a truly admirable quality :) Its a hard thing to please everyone. Sometimes its simply not possible, and there is nothing you can do that will seem "right" to everyone. And its particularly difficult when you only one person, among many. Having boundaries in your house is important, and its great to see you have them in place. It sounds like the demands on you are tacking their toll, and there is only so much you can take. Have you had a conversation with your kids about this? Its always difficult when a house is "angry" and everyone feels frustrated. I imagine it would be especially challenging when your not the only adult. Have you had any positive experiences with any strategies you have tried in the past?

Dad4good · ‎07-13-2019

Hey @mrskode , There was post about a week ago where another parent was having a similar issue (i.e., their eldest was ignoring their younger child). Might be good to have a look through the previous posts (sorry, I had a quick look but couldn't find it). Anyway, you may want to reach out to the author of that post . . . Are there any other parents/caregivers who have been through this issue?

Dad4good · ‎07-10-2019

Really good point @Zarazara1 !!!! Last year I saw a graph showing how much influence parents have over the childhood/teenage years. Basically, our primary role is being a 'consultant' (give them a run-down of the various options and then hand the responsibility over to them). Great to see you have done this so successfully!!! Its just so hard . . . and scary!

Dad4good · ‎07-10-2019

Hey @singlemom11 , Thanks for sharing! Have you had a conversation with him about how you are feeling?

Dad4good · ‎07-10-2019

Hey @Atlanta, Yah that is a really difficult situation. When your teenage child doesn't follow the rules (i.e., they refuse to clean up after themselves) it makes it really difficult to parent your younger children. I still have the household expectations in place (i.e., all my kids are expected to keep their room clean) and if they don't meet those expectation then they lose their electronics (probably not the best parenting approach, but it has been working for a while now). We have a different situation where our son (the eldest) doesn't want to do the 'extra' chores (e.g., the dishes) because he feels its not fair (why should I do it when they don't). In this scenario I remind him that he is not a child anymore (he has more responsibilities) and that he didn't have to do these extra chores when he was their age. Again, probably not the best parenting approach, but it usually works when I raise it. Last year my son went off the rails (missing person/drugs/delinquency etc.) and nothing I did had any influence over him. My daughters saw everything and soon realised that I was "relaxing" most of my rules (e.g., keeping your room clean was not even raised, it was more about 'how do we keep him home?'). In this scenario, though, my daughters were mature enough to realise that "he was unreasonable and mum and dad are doing everything they can") and so they didn't complain that things were unfair (well sometimes, but nothing an open conversation didn't fix). Your situation is really tricky and I would love to hear how others have managed this?

Dad4good · ‎07-09-2019

Hey @Zarazara1 , Thanks for coming online and sharing, I know there are many caregivers who are struggling with this, me included! In our house, we turn off the wi-fi and that works (my kids don't have enough data to waste). I think you raised a really good point when you said "Someone told me give his freedom back he will wake up and stop playing one day i did listen to the advice last week and he started to clean up at home and take the garbage out!" Why do you think your son responded so well to that?

Dad4good · ‎07-09-2019

Hey @Mrs_DeveroD , Oh what a dilemma, I really feel for you!!! I'm not sure if anyone can really give you the "correct" answer. One thing that did stand out for me was when you said "our 7 yo son are still in the US". I guess, my focus would be on what is best for him? Whats the biggest thing worrying you about staying back in Australia?

Dad4good · ‎07-09-2019

Hey @Atlanta , Good question, I'm sure parents will differ on this! For me, I get my kids to keep their rooms clean. They're responsible for that space. My son is the eldest (15 years) and sometimes he also does the lawn and the dishes. But that's pretty rare! If my kids want money, they need to do additional chores. What are your thoughts on the topic?

Dad4good · ‎07-07-2019

Hey @Justin_T , Thanks for sharing, I'm sure others have gone through similar experiences and can provide lived advise. I haven't gone through this type of issue but can hear the struggle you are in. It sounds like you're opening the channels to communicate with your daughter, but for some reason she is not wanting to reciprocate. That must be very frustrating, especially as you are genuinely looking out for her best interest. Is there a different way you could approach the discussion (not saying that you're doing it wrong, but maybe another approach could be more effective)? It sounds like a confusing situation (i.e., you're not knowing what to do). Sometimes to get clarity its helpful to detach yourself from the situation and think "what would I tell my mate if he was going through it?" Personally, I think you're doing a great job. At the end of the day I'm sure your daughter knows that you love her and want the best for her (and I'm pretty sure that's the main thing - do that, and everything else works out in the end). Would be interested to hear from others . . .

Dad4good · ‎07-03-2019

14. Play online games (e.g., fortnight) with your child (although expect to lose!) 15. Go to the zoo 16. Karaoke (did this a couple of days ago, kids loved it) 17. Bowling (let them bring a friend - more the merrier) 18. Clean the house . . . . sorry, not the point of the discussion, but let's face it, their input helps!

Dad4good · ‎07-03-2019

Hey @Atlanta, Great question and some great responses. I think for most kids the best option is to pick them up a handful of times and then have a discussion about the impact it has on you and the alternative options available (e.g., lets make a plan ahead of the night). If your young person doesn't work with you on this (and is spontaneously calling you for a pick up on a regular basis) then leave them. It sounds harsh, but sometimes they need to experience this to realise the impact of their choices. At this point, it may be a good idea to also reach out to some support services (they can be really helpful as they deal with this kind of thing all of the time). The best thing you can do is start having the conversation. Be sure to really listen to their responses (don't just talk at them) and demonstrate to them that you are working with them. This doesn't mean you 'do whatever they want' (its really important to set clear expectations of appropriate behaviour) but approach the conversation like they are in the drivers seat and you are there to provide advice. I guess, its a really personal thing. There are pro's and con's either way. Let us know how you and your partner go!

Dad4good · ‎06-06-2019

Hi @Nikkita, Ohhh, it's so hard. I really feel for you. Probably not the best advice, but what may have helped me with my son (we had similar experiences last year) was to stop trying to help. He new the expectations we had in the house and it was up to him to participate in the family or not. I no longer tried to find ways to get him to "help himself". Now I cant say his improvements were due to my change in parenting styles, but it could have played a part. I also dont think it's the best advice most of the time, but for me it was all I could think of doing (after throwing everything at it for 9 months and coming up with nothing positive). It's such a hard situation and you will find your own way through it. Keep is posted and good luck!!!

Dad4good · ‎06-06-2019

Yah good post, and no I'm not going to top Spain! Yah, Netflix has me covered (although it usually results in a lot of flicking and not much watching!). On my way home now (been a long day) and **bleep** it I'm going to watch something tonight. Actually my son said there are new items in minecraft and so may help him build his world.

Dad4good · ‎06-04-2019

Hi @gina-Ro, Thank you so much for your time, consideration and expertise!!!!! I wish you all the best, and that all the goodness you've provided comes back your way :)

Dad4good · ‎05-15-2019

OK then, lets give it a go . . . My wife and I have never had the best relationship, with it always being one-sided (she loved me, but I never felt the same way). I pursued the relationship because we had a child together (when I was 19 years old) and for the past 15 years I have been berrying my head in the sand (distracting myself with work and the kids). We don't fight, we don't want to hurt each other, and we both want the best for our kids. She has had periods when she has been depressed (no doubt partly because of me) and her coping mechanism (going on 1 or 2 expensive holidays each year) has kept us struggling financially (food on the table kind of struggling). She also tends to be less engaged (I do most of the housework and parenting responsibilities) although she is doing much better with this and she is a 'fit' mother. Late last year she went away for a month. It gave me time to reflect on what is best for everyone. I shifted my thinking from "I don't want to hurt the kids" to "staying together isn't really helping the kids". I told her how I was feeling and she was understanding. Shortly after we started to receive support (family therapy). My wife wasn't so engaged in the process and this year the therapist has limited the sessions to myself. The sessions have helped me get more stable in my thinking and so earlier this year I told my wife that I have decided to separate. She is struggling with this decision. When we talk she is sometimes understanding and other times she tries to make me feel guilty for 'doing it to the kids'. I completely understand her responses as it would be an extremely difficult reality for her to face. Personally, I would love to move out (sooner rather than latter) and have the kids half of the time. Then, sometime down the track (but not too far away) find someone to share the rest of my life with. There are of course, barriers to this. Financially it makes sense to live together for the time being. I am encouraging her to go to uni (or similar) so she can get out of her current career (which she no longer enjoys and which has a low wage) so she can be more financially independent (she agrees with this, but has not yet been proactive). She also thinks its better for the kids to have one main residence (with her) then equally shared. While we are living together she doesn't want to tell the kids and so we haven't really made any changes to how things have always been. We have "the conversation" every once in a while, but for now it feels like I'm just waiting for her to start trying to prepare herself for greater independence (which she may never do, and so I need to prepare for how to move forward in that scenario). She is away on holiday at the moment. Again, its actually been useful because it gives me space to think. During this time I really just wanted to reach out to others who are also in the process of separation (or who have gone through it). Especially, from parents and from those doing it tough financially. What are (were) your experiences? I would love to hear from you :)

Dad4good · ‎05-15-2019

Hi @Broken2019 , My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry, I am not the kindred spirit you are looking for (I have not shared your experiences) but I empathise with you and admire your courage. The years of sacrifice and commitment you have given to your family, only to be treated with a lack of recognition, vilification and outright abuse is despicable. No one deserves what you have been through. I cant help but think how tough things have been for you. For me, I find strength in the positive relationships in my life. I have one son who has been challenging, and two daughters who have been amazing. When things are tough with my son, I often draw from the strength I get from my daughters to help me through. For you, this will come from your new partner. I'm happy to hear that you have someone who "is on your side" and is giving you emotional support during this period of your life. He sounds amazing! I wonder if you could also receive professional support? Even help lines can be useful for getting things off your chest and clear your mind. I don't know what you should do next. I guess one path is to try and give yourself a break from the people in your life who are causing so much distress. You have taken action by refusing them entry into your home. I'm sure that wasn't easy, but I know everyone reading your post would agree it was necessary. I wonder if others have ideas for how you can move forward from here? Thank you for allowing us into your world, if only to help for a moment through anonymous connection. It would be great to hear from you again (but absolutely no pressure) as I'm sure others are going through similar experiences. You have been a rock for so many years, I hope you get the support you need. Thoughts are with you :)

Dad4good · ‎05-14-2019

Thanks @PapaBill :)

Dad4good · ‎05-11-2019

Hi everyone, I realise that we talk about the tough times, and that's really important (after all, its in these times that we really need support). However, I just wanted to share with you a different post, one that is about celebrating the improvements. We had always had difficulties with my son (diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Depression, for which he was receiving treatment) but it wasn't until April 2018 that we had police knock on our door. He had called 000, telling them that he wanted to die and that he needed help to stop feeling this way. Unfortunately, things got worse across 2018. Starting off with frequent visits to the ED (and inpatient stays at a mental health facility), then moving onto running away (some months he spent more time as a missing person then he spent at home), using drugs, having sex (with adults), getting in trouble with the police (and the court stuff that goes along with that), increased adolescent family violence, and refusal to attend nearly all mental health and youth support appointments. By the end, our family was emotionally and psychologically exhausted. And I have to admit, I wanted him out of the house (it was impacting his younger sisters) and I was seriously doubting things would ever improve. I feared that one day, the police would come knocking, but not for support . . . However, come 2019 and there's been a slow and continued improvement. He hasn't run away (in the past couple of months), he hasn't been violent (well not at home), he hasn't touched drugs (in the past month), he has just completed his 5 month probation period with Youth Justice (were he attended enough of his appointments to pass!), and this week he has even been helping around the house!!!! Now things aren't perfect (last week he was expelled from school) but they are definitely better. Naturally, my well-being has also improved (I feel normal again!) and our relationship has strengthened. My son is in a much better place now and it has made a wold of difference to our family. Its not over, there are still challenges ahead, but I know that we will be alright.

Dad4good · ‎05-11-2019

Hi everyone, I have found ReachOut to be helpful for discussing issues relating to my teenager. The opportunity to discuss the "problems" with other parents (who are also going through a similar experience) is therapeutic. Just wondering if anyone has a recommendation for a website where the forum discussions are about marriage/divorce relationship issues? Thanks in advance :)

Dad4good · ‎05-05-2019

Hey @What_to_do I hope you've found a clear path in this situation. I agree with the previous suggestions (not providing money to your daughter that you feel is going to be used for drugs), however I just wanted to respond to your feeling of the "dilemma". I'm sure all parents can relate with the problem of not knowing what's the "right" answer in some situations. It reminded me of when my son was reported missing and ended up at his girlfriends house. The parents were great, in that they called me to let me know that he was there and so I was able to collect him. On the way home I took my son into the police station (so they could sight him) however throughout this whole process he was begging me to let him stay with his girlfriend for the night. He was saying that it made him feel better (mental health wasn't good at the time) and that he would just run away again if I didn't drop him back off at her house. I remember sitting in the police station totally confused. My thoughts were scattered and I couldn't make a clear judgement. I knew that I wasn't coping and so I called my eldest brother. Thankfully he was able to calm me down, and said "Just remember that [name] is not coping at the moment. His thoughts are his 'depression talking' and you need to make the choices for him." It was weird how it snapped me back into reality. Suddenly, the answer was clear and so I took him back home. For me in the moment, it was a wrestle between "I don't want him running away again" (after all, I just got him back) and "I don't want him thinking he can just use that against me to get what he wants". Fortunately this was a good lesson for me, in that it showed me that 1) I can lose control of my "rational" brain and, 2) I have a right to step in and make the right choices that are not dictated by a 14 year old who doesn't have the capacity to make good choices. Oh, and yes, he ran away again . . .

Dad4good · ‎04-19-2019

"extract the kids from the bedrooms" . . . so true @PapaBill

Dad4good · ‎04-19-2019

Hey @RMBF79 , @PapaBill and @TOM-RO have provided a great response :) It can seem almost impossible when the people you love are also contributing to the problem. And so, you really do deserve a huge "pat on the back" for protecting your values. I hope your partner can come to see that. Best of luck!

Date Registered	‎11-20-2018 06:01 PM
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About Dad4good

About Dad4good

About Dad4good

Mental illness and everything that comes with it

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