05-11-2019 04:49 PM
I have found ReachOut to be helpful for discussing issues relating to my teenager. The opportunity to discuss the "problems" with other parents (who are also going through a similar experience) is therapeutic.
Just wondering if anyone has a recommendation for a website where the forum discussions are about marriage/divorce relationship issues?
Thanks in advance
05-13-2019 02:22 PM
Hey @Dad4good great question - will wait to see if anyone has any ideas for this!
Glad to hear that you're finding the forum helpful for talking through issues with other parents - you can of course also reach out in this space regarding other related issues such as relationship issues if youd like.
05-15-2019 02:45 AM
OK then, lets give it a go . . .
My wife and I have never had the best relationship, with it always being one-sided (she loved me, but I never felt the same way). I pursued the relationship because we had a child together (when I was 19 years old) and for the past 15 years I have been berrying my head in the sand (distracting myself with work and the kids).
We don't fight, we don't want to hurt each other, and we both want the best for our kids.
She has had periods when she has been depressed (no doubt partly because of me) and her coping mechanism (going on 1 or 2 expensive holidays each year) has kept us struggling financially (food on the table kind of struggling). She also tends to be less engaged (I do most of the housework and parenting responsibilities) although she is doing much better with this and she is a 'fit' mother.
Late last year she went away for a month. It gave me time to reflect on what is best for everyone. I shifted my thinking from "I don't want to hurt the kids" to "staying together isn't really helping the kids". I told her how I was feeling and she was understanding.
Shortly after we started to receive support (family therapy). My wife wasn't so engaged in the process and this year the therapist has limited the sessions to myself. The sessions have helped me get more stable in my thinking and so earlier this year I told my wife that I have decided to separate.
She is struggling with this decision. When we talk she is sometimes understanding and other times she tries to make me feel guilty for 'doing it to the kids'. I completely understand her responses as it would be an extremely difficult reality for her to face.
Personally, I would love to move out (sooner rather than latter) and have the kids half of the time. Then, sometime down the track (but not too far away) find someone to share the rest of my life with.
There are of course, barriers to this. Financially it makes sense to live together for the time being. I am encouraging her to go to uni (or similar) so she can get out of her current career (which she no longer enjoys and which has a low wage) so she can be more financially independent (she agrees with this, but has not yet been proactive). She also thinks its better for the kids to have one main residence (with her) then equally shared.
While we are living together she doesn't want to tell the kids and so we haven't really made any changes to how things have always been. We have "the conversation" every once in a while, but for now it feels like I'm just waiting for her to start trying to prepare herself for greater independence (which she may never do, and so I need to prepare for how to move forward in that scenario).
She is away on holiday at the moment. Again, its actually been useful because it gives me space to think. During this time I really just wanted to reach out to others who are also in the process of separation (or who have gone through it). Especially, from parents and from those doing it tough financially. What are (were) your experiences? I would love to hear from you
05-23-2019 12:09 PM
Hey there @Dad4good, how are things going?
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what's been going on in your relationship. It sounds like you've given a lot of thought to what you want to do, and that's great. It can be difficult to move forwards when your partner isn't interested or doesn't take the steps to do so.
Has the family support therapist given you any tips or insight as to how you can approach the situation? While I don't have any experience in separation myself, forums such as Mensline Forums and Healthy Families at Beyond Blue both have spaces to talk specifically about relationship issues, including separation, that may be more helpful for this type of situation. What do you think?