Hi @WorriedMama ,   I'm not sure there is an easy solution to your situation. I know its extremely hard when your child leaves and refuses to come back (been there!).   For me (and not saying this is best for everybody in the same situation - and not sure what its like in the US), but I pestered child services. They were able to order a safe custody warrant giving the police the ability to extract my son.   Of course this doesn't fix the problem, as your child may simply run away again. However, it did help me access more services for a longer term solution.   Its a horrible experience you are going through right now, thoughts are with you.     ... View more

Actually, I came back onto this forum!   I find it helps me collect my thoughts about issues I am having with my son!!!   Tomorrows "one thing I did for self-care" will be watching Game of Thrones :) ... View more

Hey @saphyra ,   Really good to hear that things have calmed down for you!!!   I think you nailed it when you said: When we are battling it is easy to feel ready for her to go, all the other times I just can not imagine a home without her in it.   It sounds like it will be tough for you when she moves out. You have lived together for 18 years, and even though you are not "separating" the day-to-day contact will reduce. Its a big step!   I wonder how your daughter will find the experience? She has an even bigger change, with all of the things associated with becoming independent!   Anyway, good luck :) ... View more

Hi @GiGi74 ,   Agree with @gina-Ro  and @PapaBill ,   Wasn't going to post anything further (personally I think its all about communication and building that relationship - after all, we don't really have much control over their choices).   However, I will share that IN THE PAST I too have wanted a drug test for my son. For me it was more about giving the professionals a clearer understanding of what they are working with.   I did request if from my son a few times (when he would come home from being missing for a couple of weeks and I could see he was "not himself"). I was honest with him (that it could help his support services) and emphasised that it was important to know if other people could have slipped him something (without his knowledge) that could interact with his medications. Anyway, he always refused.   Its a little sly, but you could go to your child's school and ask them to request the drug test. My son's school recently requested one from my son (without me approaching them about it - they had their own reasons for wanting him tested). He actually let me take him! I know its manipulative - and it could all go wrong - but you could avoid being the "bad guy" if you did it this way.   OK, so this wasn't my most proudest post . . . but seriously, don't you love the situations you find yourself in as a parent!   Best of luck :) ... View more

Hey @gina-Ro ,   No your totally right, those years of commitment (for me is was to golf) set me up with good foundations that have helped later in life! ... View more

Hi @Nikkita & @saphyra ,   I usually see long discussions and skip over them (I'm a little lazy in that sense!), but the opening post and following posts were really insightful. So thanks to both of you for sharing!   Sorry, I forgot who wrote the initial post, but the thing that struck me was your last sentence about wanting your young person to move out. Obviously this comes after a marathon of challenges and a loss of control over a long period of time, but its a feeling that I can also identify with, and yah, it doesn't feel good as a parent to admit that!   The deception, abuse, taking for granted, and general disrespect is something that you are facing and living with on a daily basis. Coupled with the fact that this is coming from the person who you love more than anything in the world, and that's a tough gig!   I guess, I just want to let you know that its ok to feel like you have had enough and that you need space. Its ok to feel that your tired of being pushed around and walked over, after all, that is your reality, that's whats going on for you.   More likely than not, your child does love you and does want the best for you, even if s/he doesn't realise it yet! One day they will. Until then, look after yourself and don't be afraid to seek treatment for the whole family, as everyone is usually affected!   Best of luck   ... View more

Hey @amour81 ,   Sounds like your having a tough time with your son's behaviour, but even more with the fact that he broke your trust. In terms of the behaviour, its very common for kids to experiment with marijuana (and other things like cigarettes, alcohol) when they meet a new cohort of peer influencing teens!   I understand that knowing something is common doesn't always put you at ease through, but its good to know that the experimentation very rarely goes beyond that, and with your sons history I doubt you have anything to worry about (still, knowing probably doesn't make you feel any better!).   In terms of the trust, well, that one's harder to shake off. And it might take some effort on his part to earn that back. This topic is also a really personal one with parents taking very different views. My suggestion would be to start afresh and say how hurt you were by the deception and that all you want is for him to be happy and healthy. Then engage in a conversation about how he is coping with everything. I imagine it would be a really tough time for him having to deal with changes and peer influences (and the "poor decisions" are a symptom of that). Also, maybe (if there is a problem with his current school) you could look into other schools in your area.   Just keep talking and communicating, you both sound like you want the best for each other and I'm sure you'll get there!   Thanks for sharing your concerns, and best of luck!  ... View more

Just want to say that this is a great idea. Well done ReachOut, your doing an awesome job! ... View more

Hi @WorriedMama ,   Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us, I can hear the struggle, and frankly impossible, situation you're in . . .   Sorry I cant help fix the situation or help you escape this nightmare. My only hope is that you keep fighting for your family and searching for a place for your daughter to stay.   Apart from family and friends, do you know of any other facilities?  ... View more

Hey @PapaBill ,   Don't mean to get too academic (but depending on your son's reason for asking . . .) there is a framework for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs ... View more

Happy to share . . .   What were you like when you were the age your teen is now? My son is 15. That was a crap year for me, I basically became a loner and spent all of my time on the golf course (wanting to play golf for a living). I was committed to that pursuit, but looking back now I wasted that year(s).    Did you have similar interests and hobbies as your teen, or are they completely different? He enjoys golf and playing X-box (so that's a good start!). Other than that he and I are very different. He gets into trouble with the police and lives a 'risky' lifestyle with very little commitment to anything (like going to school etc.). We do share the same sense of humour!      What advice would you give to your younger self now? Relax. Its ok to have fun. Be more like your son (but without the illegal stuff!).   ... View more

Hey @lost1971 ,   You and your husband clearly love for your son, and it must be a nightmare to feel so helpless.   Well done on being there for him. Just letting him know that you are there to listen is a really important step! And letting him come to you is great.   I'm not sure what your solution is. I can hear that you are struggling between "do I keep trusting that he'll come to me when he's ready" or "this needs to be tackled now, before it gets worse". Such a difficult situation. All I can say is to reach out to professionals (this website seems to have great resources!),   For my son (who's also 15) I try to find things that he likes and invite him to join me. At the moment we only have two things: Playing golf and playing x-box. Is there anything that comes to mind for you? ... View more

Hey @mrskode,   How amazing is it that @TWatson and @Jess1-RO can steer you in the direction of professional support, that's the best!   Its such a difficult time when we experience a disconnect with our kids. I have a 15 your old son, but he rarely gives me the silent treatment so I cant really talk to that. However, he runs away (allot!) and it has the same effect (i.e., you can't help but think "does he even care about the family?").   Its so unfortunate that you have received harsh judgement, clearly you care about your daughter and don't deserve that response.   Personally, I'm not sure how much influence you can have over your child's behaviour once they reach late adolescence. I just remind myself that I'm providing a loving home and making myself available to talk. They do have to contribute to the relationship as well.   Best of luck!  ... View more

Hi @Preciosa    Thanks for sharing your experiences, I can imagine it must be very emotional for you.   I just wanted to touch on one thing (because @Jess1-RO  and @sunflowermom  have already provided great feedback!). . . .   I can hear that you care deeply for your son, and are being very proactive in trying to improve your sons life. Please just remember that you also need to look after yourself. When our loved ones are putting our safety at risk, there are two victims: your son and yourself. Please reach out to community services in your area, and let them know that your also a victim in this difficult situation.   I wish you the best of luck, and keep fighting for both of you!  ... View more

Hey @cool_mom123 ,   There has already been great posts from others . . . .    I think you are amazing, well done for keeping on top of the interests in your son's life!   Just echoing others in saying that talking to him about the music (in a non-judgemental way) could be your best way forward (after all, I don't think you can do much in terms of stopping it!).   Last year my son went through an EMO phase. He was also depressed at the time (hospitalised levels) and I was scared that he would come across Adams song (think that was Blink 182). It petrified the hell out of me, so I can somewhat relate to what you are going through.   Sorry I cant be of more help, best of luck!  ... View more

Hey @Bashy93 ,   Hope things are going better and you can see a light at the end of the tunnel!   Domestic/work imbalances are common and so I just wanted to share that you are not alone.   Not sure of the best way forward for you, but communication (where possible) is usually helpful.   I remember years ago, my wife and I created a scheduled  (it had the added benefit of highlighting how imbalanced things were).   Best of luck, and let us know how you go :) ... View more

Hi @Anon1,   I hope things are on the improvement. It sounds like such a tough time for you and your family. I have difficulties with my 14 year old son, but the aggression is towards me (and not his younger sisters - and so I am lucky).   My son also is violent and then a short time later acts as though nothing has happened. It feels very strange. In the heat of the violence I try and keep my distance and walk outside (less chance of the house being damaged). I haven't found a way to de-escalate him when he is "in a rage". Sorry I cant be of much help.   I was so sad to hear about your feelings of guilt and shame. You are going though an unimaginably difficult time in your life. You have two children, each with their own challenges, and you are doing it on your own. You are clearly trying to make a better life for your kids. You are amazing, and I'm sure everyone who read your post feels the same way. I wish you all the best over the Christmas period.   Best of luck :) ... View more

Hello @Bonnie01,   I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. Your son sounds like an amazing young person, and I can hear just how proud you are of him.   His struggles with anxiety, which moved into depression (which doesn't feel like is getting better), must be terribly difficult for you and your whole family to cope with.   Its so great that your son managed to get into Uni and participate in the concert. I know its not everything, but its a win you and your son can hold onto.   My 14 year old son has depression and struggles with suicidal thoughts (not to the extent you are facing). I think the hardest part is the lack of control everyone feels.         Anyway, I'm really just wanting to let you know that my thoughts are with you and that you are not alone . . .      ... View more

Hi @miklou,   Sorry I cant really be of help (my eldest is 14) and I'm sure other members will be in a better position to suggest options.   I think you are being more than reasonable in what you are asking of your daughter (actually, it sounds like she's on a pretty good wicket!). Do you know why she refuses to pay her way?   I wonder if there is anything you could do that would incentivise paying? Is she dependent on you in other ways (e.g., paying the phone bill? "Cooking" the meals? Cleaning her clothes?)? Possibly you could provide these services upon receipt of payment.   This approach needs to be done in a respectful manner (not seen as punishment) but with a conversation about how everyone needs to contribute and that you are trying to encourage her to play her part. Sometimes teenagers will take advantage of a situation, and natural consequences need to be imposed.   Anyway, just some food for thought, I'm sure other members may have better solutions for you :)   Best of luck!   ... View more

Hi @Hoag2,   Sorry I wasn't very clear, I meant to say have a conversation about how you are struggling with the issue of "looking like you are condoning it".   Anyway. I don't think you have to worry about yourself being too "relaxed" about her having sex. I think its great that you come at it from that perspective.   As I said earlier, I imagine its one of those topics where parents may differ in their views (especially if you're Christian), but I think most parents would approve of your position - would be good to hear from other members!   ... View more

Hi @Justcantcope,   So sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like a trying time for both you and your daughter.   I can only talk from my experience with my 14 year old son (which may not apply to you). I don't know what the answer is, but perhaps one option is for you to inform the police about her behavior towards you and the property damage.   The police did this in our case (i.e., they submitted a domestic violence intervention order against my son). At the time, I wasn't sure I could do it (it felt like I was throwing him under the bus . . .) but it does send a message that "no one deserves to be threatened or assaulted" and helps remind my son that what he is doing is not acceptable.   It is such a tough situation. I really hope that everything works out for you, which ever course of action you chose to take.   Best of luck, thoughts are with you :)  ... View more

Hi @Hoag2,   Yah its tricky isn't it. You don't want to give the message that you condone the sex, but you also want to make sure she is going about it safely. Perhaps you could have a conversation about this (i.e., let her know how you are feeling)? Do you think she would understand? ... View more

Hey @Hoag2,   I can hear your struggle. I recommend giving parentline a call. I have found them very useful when it comes to those parent issues where there is no clear answer (usually because its more about trying to understand our own value system and what baggage that brings to the situation). Again, I think you are doing a great job, and that its normal to have the worries you are experiencing with this issue. You're not alone!!!   ... View more

Hi @CriersCottage,   It sounds like a really difficult time. I'm struggling with one child (my other two are still young and haven't hit those teenage issues yet), so I can only imagine what you are going through.   It sounds like your relationship with your children is also struggling. For me, I found working on the relationship to be the best approach forward. Trying to find something you can both joke and laugh about was helpful. Also, I think its important to keep reminding yourself of the nice things they do (although this can be difficult as they feel so few and far between) as it helps to bring hope to the whole situation.   We also have a responsibility to put in place natural consequences when our young people engage in unwelcome behaviours. For example, if my son treats me like garbage then its ok to withdraw from the relationship (a natural response to the situation). I think we need to remind ourselves that putting in place natural consequences is super important.   Anyway, best of luck :)    ... View more

Hi @Hoag2,   Sound like you have a wonderful relationship with both your daughter and her boyfriend!!!   Its a sensitive topic and people will naturally differ in their view points about the matter. Personally, I think you are doing a great job. I agree with @Ruffhead about birth control (and great that you have booked in so quickly) and talking through the 'condom issue' with your daughter (never expect a teenage boy to have this sorted out!) and I agree that it is a great time to discuss STI's (using an educative approach rather than as a fear tactic).   You may also want to show her how to go about using condoms. A while back I took my son to the supermarket, showed him how to buy condoms, and using marker (only thing I had available . . .) showed him how to put it on. Never assume your young person will know 'how' to do these things and self-efficacy is a major factor in their choice of behavior for these sort of things.   Best of luck, I hope it all works out well for you and your family :) ... View more

Hi @Ruffhead,   I feel your pain . . . we are also going through a similar situation.   From my experience it seems to be that all we can do is try and work on the relationship. For us this meant treating our son as more of an adult. Our role went from 'manager' (trying to control his choices) to 'consultant' (providing recommendations, but in the end the choices are his to make and live with). This at least helped to improve the relationship (had no effect on his behavior though).   Best of luck, thoughts are with you!     ... View more

Hi @Mumsa,   Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. Hope all is going well for you :) ... View more

Thanks @Schooner,   Yes, writing out this stuff seems to be helping, and thanks for listening :)   I would be interested to know of other situations where forum members find themselves in a dilemma . . .   On Wednesday's my son gets picked up from school by his Anglicare case worker. They spend an hour together and then she drops him off home. Last week I found myself in a dilemma . . .   When dropping him off home, she asked me "He would like to go to his friends house, are you ok with that?".   My son wanted to go to a house where he had recently run away to and stayed for over a week (at least according to him he was staying there). I knew nothing about this house, except that 1) it was in a nearby suburb, 2) when he was there he was getting high on marijuana every day, 3) the adult occupants didn't notify the police that a stranger (14 year old boy) was staying with them (I had him as a missing persons).   I expressed my concerns with the safety of the house. Both the Anglicare worker and myself new that my son would go irrespective of whether or not I gave my permission. With this in mind, the worker suggested that I let him go if my son agrees to be home by a set time. I added the condition that he allows the case worker see him go into the house (i.e., to confirm the address of the location).   In the past I have never given my permission for him to go to a house which I have concerns for. I feel that it sends the wrong message (i.e., that I approve of the behaviour). I always communicate with him that "I am happy for you to hang out with friends, and I'll pick you up and drop you off as needed. But when I am concerned that you are putting yourself at risk, then I can't support that behaviour. How about we organize for you to hang out with some other friends". However, on this instance I did give my permission.   One reason I gave my permission was to get hold of that address (he never gives up this information). That night, I asked my son "How do you think the parents would react if police came to their house?" He said "they would freak, they wouldn't want police seeing what goes on over there". I then replied "just know that if you do go missing again, I have to give the address to the police and they will go there asking for you" (in an effort to dissuade him from running away again, so lets see how that goes!).   Anyway, the dilemma was to follow the advice of the professional (which by the way was suggested in front of my son - making it difficult to 'go against' the recommendation as it would further solidify my son's attitude that I am 'over protective' and 'unreasonable') or stick with my usual response. In this case, the need to know that address overshadowed everything so I went with that option.   Do you (forum members) find yourself in situations where you have to 'think on your feet' and the options seem to have no 'right' answer?   p.s. sorry for my ridiculously long posts . . . I realize that I tend to ramble . . . ... View more

Hi @Mazz123,   It sounds like a tremendously challenging time (well, a long time period!),   I also agree that it is a good idea to look for other causes for your daughters struggles, well done for pursuing these!   My son takes Sertraline. When he first started taking this (at the start of the year) it made a noticeable improvement. His anxiety drastically reduced, you could feel his demeanor change. In May this year, life became really difficult for him, and we increased his dose. The suicidal thoughts decreased.   I remember learning that meds work on around 50% of cases, and as we have seen, it is not enough to "fix" things (as you say, they don't suddenly make the world perfect). When they do work, I do believe they help soften the extreme emotional responses (which can provide the mindset needed for therapy to work).   From the many issues going on in your young persons life it sounds like you are right to seek treatment from a range of professionals. I think it is a great idea that you are keeping a diary (something that I'm kind of using this forum for . . .) and I commend you for doing everything you can to make your children's life amazing.   My recommendation would be to seek family therapy in addition to personal therapy. We have started doing this, and although my son has not been pro-active (i.e., not always turning up to sessions), it helps everyone else in the family (which I think is the glue that helps everyone keep on ticking on). Just a thought for you to take or leave.   Best of luck :)   ... View more

Hi @lizard0812,   I completely agree with @Schooner advise about "keep letting everyone know that you are struggling".   Also, if you keep turning up to Emergency (again in line with @Schooner) the hospital will put you in contact with their outpatient services soon enough (they will actively try and reduce the burden on their own emergency department).   Looking back on it all now (from my own experience) the best thing to do is nag, nag, nag. In the early stages I let everyone know the problems (including child services), but I didn't keep nagging them. I waited for the appointments to come. I realized that the system was overrun, but didn't appreciate the fact that "nagging" is what helps your case stand out from the many others.   We ended up having to turn back services, because our son has too many. I wish I had nagged from the beginning . . .   Also, in the meantime, you may find parentline helpful.    Best of luck :) ... View more