Thanks all for the support. It is truly appreciated.  The son’s girlfriend has not been seen since Saturday morning. I suspect I have made my thoughts so well known she has decided not to come over. Son asked for help with a shower and has since changed his mind, so who knows what is going on there! He manages with a ‘birdbath’ so until he pongs he will survive I guess!  He is trying to research all sorts of car projects to keep himself occupied at the moment so now I am dealing with him flitting from one idea to the next, and the putting up with barbed remarks about how I choose to spend my income! He forgets that I work full time, pay  the bills including feeding, clothing and housing him, and still have some discretionary income. Not lots, but enough! I had to remind him that when he’s my age and he’s worked darn hard for some security he too can spend his money how he chooses. Then of Course his green eyed monster came out about what his sister has vs him! Honestly, it’s never ending!  Anyway, I must say I sleep so much better when the girlfriend is not here. It’s incredible how much it was stressing me.  thanks again for the support.  ... View more

Thanks for the reply. I do have professional counselling every couple of weeks which helps at times, but my son rarely, if ever, talks about how he is feeling. It is up to my husband and I to do the heavy lifting there & it feels very one sided a lot of the time. I've tried to talk to son today and as usual got blamed, yelled at and told I am a horrible person. There have been times in the past 6 years when everybody has been horrible, drug affected violence brings out the worst in everyone as we react rather than respond. So, today I explained that I understand he needs the help of his GF while he is partly immobilised in a neck and back brace, and the logic brain accepts that. However, my emotional brain tells me that I am very fearful of what may happen with GF around due to the past patterns of behaviour and abuse; that I am trying hard to put those feelings aside as she comes over. Just don't expect me to want to be around her at all. So, for my efforts at being vulnerable, I got abused and blamed.   This has been an awful week of having my birthday- which I used to love and now detest because son literally threw his birthday gifts back in our faces on several occasions over the past few years- so now I hate birthdays. I feel completely and utterly emotionally empty and very fearful of my son and his outbursts. I am wary of the fact the Drs are prescribing strong medications for him at the moment.   To top it all off my dearest brother's wife, a doctor, has him on an anti-Covid vax belief path (she's a nutter even though she's a dr) when he is in a very vulnerable age group! So I just couldn't deal with that on top of everything else, and told my brother I wouldn't continue that conversation with him, and hung up. It's been a tough week.  ... View more

Check out Big Picture Education Australia.  ... View more

Not sure where you are of course, but maybe a school that has the Big Picture Education model would suit your son. It encourages students to pursue their interests and be out on internships one or more days a week.  If you Google Big Picture Education Australia you will find some information.  ... View more

Hi there, I see this is Solved, but I may have a few more things to add to your toolkit.   Have you thought about asking her what she feels in her body when she has to look for a job. If she can tell you that, then she has identified a fear, so you can then ask he directly what is is she fears about applying for job. Is it the writing of the letter or resume, is it the thought of walking into a place and cold calling? Try to unpack some of her fear, and then start with small suggestions of how you can deal with them. Help her write a resume and a letter of introduction. Set up a mock interview with a friend so she can practise talking about herself. Can you identify what gets her animated in conversation, and hook into that as something she really enjoys, and then see if there are  job possibilities, or study possibilities there.  Be honest with her, tell her what you see are her best attributes, is she friendly and helpful to strangers, does she have a great speaking voice, does she have a great way of arranging flowers in a vase, does the family dog always listen to her when they won't listen to others?! Anything you can say , hey, you do that so well.  I find so often as a teacher that the kids don't know that they can self acknowledge things they do well, so maybe start encouraging that by your praise of the small things she says and does... Motivating a teen is one of the hardest things to do. Try hard to keep conversation positive, talk about positive things that happened in your day, things about yourself you are pleased with - I got out for a walk this morning- I managed 15 mins of yoga before work today..anything to help change the tone of home. I hope this helps.  ... View more

@Janine-RO Hi again - I grow lots of herbs, tomatoes, beetroot, spinach and lettuces, Paris carrots - the little round ball type,   eggplants.  Keeps me sane!   I should also have added last week that I was grateful for my three Year 12 students who graduated last week and all had lovely things to say about me in front of the new Principal and school and parents. It was life affirming and I really needed to hear their words that day!   I am grateful for our son keeping in touch with us, even if it is to bemoan his life, or blame us, or speak with a sharp tone at times...  I am grateful for our 20 year old daughter who is navigating the world of uni, work and life well, and always willing to talk when there's a hiccup. I am grateful for the free counselling services she accesses.    Have a great day everyone.   ... View more

Today for self care I actually read a whole novel, and pottered in my vegie garden! Feels so good to see plants growing from seed.     ... View more

Today I am grateful for: 1. A loving patient husband and life partner 2.  A small vege garden I can potter in for a few minutes to relax my mind 3. Sunshine and birdcalls in the trees   Still working on getting our kids through life, but I am grateful for the other things that make my days bearable! ... View more

Talkingtoteens.com ... View more

Hi @ydna69  I googled ‘dealing with defiant teens’ and came across www.talkingtoteens.com   Reach out may delete the details as they don’t like to endorse something they’re not familiar with, but I hope Talking to Teens dot com info and podcasts will help you.  All the best. ... View more

Hi there @kcsmum kcsmum , your story sounds very familiar to me. My family has been through the same with our sone who is now 16.5. He's been to three different high schools, barely even bothering to attend the last one preferring to spend his time 'sucking on a bong' and doing goodness knows how many other drugs. In the end he didn't live at home, ended up in detention for the entire summer break, only to repeat the detention experience a few short weeks after his release.    In the end, we were at the point of walk away or flip the situation. Tempting as it was to just Wal;k away, we could never have recovered from that, so we sought help to flip the scenario. The big stick approach hadn't work, we were desperate for a new idea. We came across a US based counsellor who gave us some new 'scripts' to try. Basically, it went along the lines of saying, "We are sorry we haven't been the parents you needed over the past three years. We reacted in the only way we knew to the situations we found ourselves in. We realise now that you didn't need those responses from us. We are sorry, so very sorry you now find yourself in this situation...homeless, dealing with drug withdrawal, and in detention. We are so sorry. When you think there is something we can do to help you, please tell us. Remember what we are like, sometimes we will need a day to think things over, but we will listen, we are ready to listen, and to see how we can help."   Amazingly, this approach worked. It took a few weeks and a second major incident, but the dialogue changed between us and our son. We actually began to have a dialogue that wasn't all abuse from him, and angry reaction from us. Don't think it was easy to say we are sorry...it took a while to get over the notion/feeling that he was to blame for his predicament. But, we put those emotions aside, and put our energy into no more judgemental remarks, listening instead....and putting ourselves in a vulnerable position by revealing things that had gone wrong for us at different times in our lives as we passed from adolescence to adulthood. Incredibly, he appreciated these stories, and many times asked why he had never been told those things..."you were just a kid until recently, son, you didn't need to hear these things."    Now our son has made the big decision to leave all the bad influences he was mixing with, and with our support has moved well away. He's had to be resourceful, and find a new place to live - on his own- and access support to pay his rent - and find something to study. He's gotten himself clean, and made a break with the influences of his old circle of friends. He's pursued some cafe training, and is planning to look for work.   He is in regular, daily contact with us, and knows he can ask us for support. We discuss what it is he needs, and how we can help. The change in him has been astonishing. to receive text messages that now have sparkly heart emojis instead of F*** You C*** is kinda hard to get used to! Especially when that is the level of abuse we've had for years! He still has a lot to manage with living independently, studying again after barely attending school for 2 1/2 years, and also looking for a job to support himself. I tell him I worry about the 'mum stuff'; is he eating properly, etc. He sends me his supermarket receipts to show me he's buying fruit and veg!    So, believe me, I know what you are going through. I've been there, and it makes me nervous to think it could easily happen again...I have just have to maintain a different approach. If you are finding the big stick isn't working...think about whether you are willing to try a different approach. Can you be vulnerable, can you just acknowledge that what he's going through must be tough, that you are there if he finds himself in a difficult situation. You know it's normal to want to experiment, but if he ever finds himself in a situation where he feels there is no control anymore, he can call you, and without any comment you will come get him...   I know this sounds like La La Land! But just maybe it will help. We were honest and said we would not involve ourselves in any conversations that became abusive, but, if he wanted to talk, we would listen. We wouldn't offer advice unless he asked. And we wouldn't say he should do this or that, but rather we presented ideas and options...   I wish you well  and I hope our experience is of some assurance to you that there can be changes and an end to the heartbreak.   ... View more

I wonder if this Ted talk might be of interest? Brene Brown on Vulnerability  https://youtu.be/X4Qm9cGRub0 ... View more

Hi, sometimes we need to figure out what our kids value...are they looking for power, or for independence...what is driving their behaviour.  Sometimes when we are confronted with this it’s time to reveal our own vulnerabilities to our kids. Talk about the way you moved out of home, why you did, how it made you feel.if she won’t listen, then write her a letter. Sometimes revealing ourselves more shows our kids a side they never knew.  You may be surprised at her response. I’d tell her that using her little sister is not fair. Try to turn it into a teaching moment, rather than a criticism...we self criticise a lot, so don’t add to the critics she’s probably already hearing in her own head. Take a chance, and flip the narrative. Take a risk...tell her that you can’t instruct her how to live anymore, but when she has figured out how she wants to live, then you will help in the way she asks you to. Tell her that she can’t free load any more, and that as a parent you’re not doing the right thing by her to allow that to continue...you want her to be able to function independently in a world beyond home...If you’re wondering why I’m saying this, is because I have gone through this with my 16 year old. I’ve taken a chance, completely flipped how I was dealing with him...and believe me we have been through hell...drugs, violence, detention, school truanting, homelessness ..you name it. Once we threw away the big stick, and took a chance on flipping the dialogue, we have had a different response. It’s been calm, respectful, and over the space of 3 months we have established a connection that has not been there for 3 years. We’ve allowed him some independence which was at the top of his wants....and although I am worried, I put him on a flight to go across the country, to an unfamiliar city, with his tent and backpack, and allowed him to be resourceful, and, to quote him, “find his ‘42’ “.    In in terms of finding accommodation, Uni students often advertise share rooms on Gumtree. There are backpacker lodges where a shared  room can had for $20/night. There are places that offer short term accommodation and guidance by social workers to manage budgets etc.. It’s not easy, I know. I wish you well.      ... View more

Well, this is a hard one! Possibly one of my strengths is that I have managed, through all the merde our son is putting us through, to hang onto a sense of humour. Lord knows how,  but at times I can find humour in the day.   I guess another strength, and it could be argued it’s not necessarily healthy, is the ability to live in one reality, then flip over into another. By that I mean the ability to put home stuff aside, and get on with work stuff for a few hours. Mind you, the day I let my year 11 boys at school know they needed to get their backsides into gear, some could argue I was not separating my two realities! Hmmm, maybe that’s why I called that unit of work “How to not suck at life”!    My children’s Strengths? Well, it would have to be said our son’s is definitely stubbornness. Unfortunately he is wasting such determination on trying to achieve a life with no boundaries and no consequences! Hahaha- oops there’s my sense of humour again! Daughter? Definitely calmness, organisation, caring, intelligence and mental strength.    ... View more

Ooh I’m almost a week late with my song, but, here it is... Paul Kelly’s Dumb Things!    https://youtu.be/6jEfm7EYxW8   So so very apt for our son at the moment as the penny has yet to drop for him! ... View more

@sunflowermum @compassion Omg your words echoed my year exactly. Sunflowermum if things don’t improve this year, I may just have to quote Liam Neeson...” I will look for you...” Hahaha, don’t stress! We have one more court hearing to get through next week, and then we will know what orders, if any, will be put on our son. After that, we will know if we can breathe again, or not. I have a feeling he thinks he will go back to exactly the point he was at at the start of December. That is, living w gf’s family, ignoring their rules, not attending school, using drugs... generally ignoring all social mores,, let alone laws, and get away with it. Let’s hope the court will take a close look at him and place him on some orders. In the meantime we keep busy with life...and laugh and smile. ... View more

Hi . I’m so glad you are going to see a counsellor. That’s a great first step, but remember if you don’t like the one you see, shop around. Sometimes you need someone to click with . I can’t stress enough how important it is to not enable his behaviour towards you. This sense of entitlement some kids have beggars belief, and it’s a hard slog to make kids realise work begets pleasures, not the other way around. Our son has been couch surfing with people who rely on benefits and he constantly tells them how good his life at home was, and they cannot fathom why he’s rejected it. I believe he thought taking home like dirt and moving out would be fun. He’s now in so much trouble with the police it’s not much fun anymore! Anyway...I completely understand how draining it is living with those behaviours, but your son is old enough now to,look after himself for the basics. Please stop enabling him, make him function with some basic life skills, and see how that goes. I wish you well. It’s a tough journey. ... View more

@Hales123 Hi there, I gather from your holiday destinations you are in the USA and I’m not sure if you realise this is an Australian forum. It makes nomdifference at all and sadly your experience of your teen echoes mine with our son, who is now 16. okay, I can’t promise that any of my thoughts will help, let alone solve, your issues, but just maybe something will help. First of all, everyone has the right to feel safe in their own home. Threatening behaviour, whether verbal or physical is not on. DO NOT tolerate it and make that very plain to your daughter.  Every time she speaks to you rudely, ask her firmly to repeat what she said without the abusive, or bad tone, whatever she is using. Only then do you acknowledge her with a firm response.  Use the phrase, “ When you speak to me/ do xyz, I feel.....”. I found this worked on our son, albeit for a time until I had to kick him out for drug induced physical violence and damage to our home.  We also used a talking stick technique in family discussions, whoever was holding the stick could speak, others listened. We managed a few good discussions this way and got a few changes in behaviour. Stop enabling all the behaviours that are passive-aggressive directed at you. Sure, pick up her clothes off the stairs, but just toss them in her room. DO NOT do her laundry, clean her room. Laundry is a life skill, as is housework, and she is well past the age where she can do this herself! I would spen an entire day telling my son the washing machine was fre and he could use it before I put the dog’s blankets through. As part of his control power play games he would ignore me until night time and then go do his washing. I stopped all reminders and left him to it. If his room got so bad he had bugs in there, well, so be it. I know he knows how to vacuum, wash floors, clean bathrooms and use a washing machine. At 15 I was not going to be his slave. I would also sometimes deliberately run out of milk, he drank tons of the stuff, so he would have to walk to the shop and buy it if he wanted it. I stopped buying all his easy meals, if he wants to eat, he could make a meal, fry an egg etc. he would look at the meals I prepared and say he wasn’t going to eat that sh**, so he live on cereal! No way was I going to pander to such rudeness. I’m a good cook and he knows it, so he could go hungry! Likewise to meal times, if he didn’t come to the table, his meal would go in the fridge, and if he chose to eat it later, fine, if it was still there a day later, it was gone!  We have had a lot of nasty physical damage to our home go on, so quite extreme, and I hope you don’t go through the same. We offed our son access to counsellor and for a while he attended but I think he was just ticking boxes so I didn’t kick him out. He never engaged with the counselling properly. My husband has told our son for months now that we will support him engaging in counselling financially, but if he doesn’t make the effort to engage then we will not support it.  So, make an offer, but tell her she needs to find someone herself she can work with. It’s a case of leading the horse to water ... each time we organised a counsellor, son refused to participate. They have to take the first step.   stop inviting her or taking her to family outings. I remember clearly the look on our son’s face when he realised husband and I were off to movies, dinners, leading a life not revolving around him. He was surprised and almost a bit miffed I feel. But you cannot put your life permanently on hold. I too was a stay at home mum for 15 years, and I loved every moment, and feel very privileged that I could be that. However, there comes a time where our kids need to know what we like to do, what we enjoy, and see us living a life beyond them too.  Preparing kids to leave us is also part of our role as parents. So, try now, to,step back a bit, and let her step up.   it is not easy to,do, but it is crucial to your sanity, believe me. So, stick to your guns, expect a load of blowback, but try to show her that the behaviour is water off a duck’s back. I think she needs to seek help to deal with her abortion feelings. That’s a tough one.   Just keep your voice firm, reasonable, stick to your expectations of how your home and family members are to be treated, make that very very clear, and use “ I feel...” as much as you need.   i wish you all the best. It seems we are in the era of entitlement and by golly it’s tough.     ... View more

Hi there, I have had some similar behaviours over the past year from my son. How you tackle this really depends on the support you have from your partner, how much support you have away from home, and how resolved you are to turning this situation around.  You can start by withdrawing privileges. Don’t get him what he wants. Don’t enable the behaviour by providing wifi 24/7, or for however many hours it’s available in your home. Don’t pay his phone bill next month.  Make him earn these privileges, as that is what they are, not rights. It will earn you some anger no doubt, but trying to establish boundaries in your home around acceptable behaviour is essential, and that is your right, and job, as a parent.  Do not accept verbal abuse from your child. Nobody deserves that. Do not respond with it. Don’t lower yourself. If he says something to you that’s rude, ask him as calmly as you can to repeat what he said minus the abuse. This is your home. You work to provide him with food and shelter, if he doesn’t like what you provide, he can live elsewhere and learn to support himself.   I wonder what has triggered the behaviour. Can you put your finger on something, or do you think it’s part of the gaming subculture he has absorbed?  If so, then a reminder that in the real world people don’t function that way and he needs to separate the two.   I would really hate to see this abuse escalate as it did in our home and our son has not lived at home for 9 months now as we refused to,live with his verbal and physical abuse.  It’s been tough, I won’t lie, and miss our son daily. However, in our case, we were out of strategies to cope and try to resolve the issues we were presented with and a physical distance was essential. We are no closer to resolving anything and I don’t wish the same scenario on anyone.    We did hold regulakr family family meetings using a talking stick, which did help with communication for a short time.    But remind him as as many times as you want that when he works and can provide the essentials for himself, then he may live as he chooses. Until then, he is under your care, your roof and therefore your rules.    Good luck.   ... View more

2018- I reconnected with a friend with whom I had been close when our young adults were babies. I had listened to her tears when her partnership split up some time ago in a nasty way. This time she gave me comfort as I have gone through a year of hell with our son. 2019- is the year I hope to regain my health as our son’s behaviour has drastically affected it. I hope for Moments of peace, calm and lashings of humour in the New Year and plan to find more yoga time!  ... View more

Well, last Christmas was awful as son was part way into what has turned out to be multiple annus horibilus! Every small gift I had bought him was unwrapped and thrown back at me.needless to say I had kept receipts and returned the lot!  This year he is on supervised bail in a bail hostel and I have a new restraining order protecting me. He hasn’t lived at home for much of the year, and had to couch surf at a couple houses until his welcome was worn out at both places. At least now he’s in custody he will be detoxing off a cocktail of drugs, eating properly and exercising, and who knows, maybe even reflecting a little while he waits for his court date!   Christmas will be a day of mixed feelings for those of us at home. Wishing for a fresh start for us all, but never being foolish enough to hold our breath. However the day goes, there is love, care, and well wishes for everyone. May you all have the strength to keep striving for a good relationship with those whom you love.   ... View more

It’s absolukilling me inside that I have lost my lovely son, but at some point I had to take steps to protect myself, and my family both mentally and physically. It kills me even more when the people he lives with tell us how he says often how much he misses his Mum, and Dad, and he talks fondly of all the things we would do as a family. But when he sees or speaks to his Dad, it usually comes with an abusive tirade, and Dad comes away upset. We are in regular contact with school as year 11 looms and he’s failing all subjects bar one, and even that is a scrape through. He’s is La la land RE his future training /school options, and I can’t do a thing to get the message through to him that he has to make some changes.  Hard line works for some...I don’t know if you feel it will work for you...but perhaps it’s time to put some options on the table beforyou have 6+ weeks of schholidays to cope with. ... View more

Any chance you can just leave for school with other kids and not him if he’s not ready? If he doesn’t get there, it’s on him, not you.. our son has now been out of the house almost 6 months but we are still to blame when things like bureaucracy to get his L plates get in the way! Welcome to the world kid! Honestly it’s easy to say, cut them off, cut them out...but harder to do. Especially I think, for mums, but please, for the sake of your other kids, hang in there. Find things to enjoy with them...if he ends up excluded from things, then he has to wear the consequences of his choices... ... View more

Oh well, welcome to the club! I’m a teacher as well, and have great rapport with my students! Which makes it all the more painful when your own child is so far out of control.   judgemental family members are a pain...only a couple of ours know anything like the truth.   can you explore alternative accommodation?  Our son flatly refused to accept our standards of behaviour in our home,  and after a particularly bad night I took steps to have him removed from the home. We have maintained contact and tied our best to keep him engaged at school, but to little avail. This is a kid who was a solid B student!  ... View more

Hi there. This sounds all too familiar. I have been through difficulties with my son who has just turned 16, for the past 18 months.  I’m going to ask a few questions which I guess the answer to is no, as I think you would have mentioned them...does he have learning disorders, and does he use drugs?  If both of those are out of the equation then maybe it’s time for a few sit down chats, with perhaps a family friend to mediate for you. We used a talking stick as a strategy ..only the person holding the stick could talk. It helped.  We also found opening statements with “I feel.....when you say/do......” also helped.  I understand how the aggressive behaviour is utterly soul destroying and has a shocking impact on family.  I’m afraid our story has ended with our son living elsewhere, on Centrelink allowance, barely attending school, but at least with people who are giving him the same message he got from us..sadly some kids think they’re made of Teflon and refuse to face the music. Is there any possibility he can spend 2-3 nights a week with other family members? The respite may be good for all of you. Or, can you explore supervised youth housing as an option? There are some organisations that run excellent youth housing programs.    Please dont ever blame blame yourself for the choices your son is making. Do make the effort to spend quality time getting out and about with your other children. A bush walk for a couple hours, a trip to a bookshop...something to allow you all to decompress for a while.  If you can see a counsellor, then do so, even if it’s just to have a private bawl!  I know how verbal aggression can take its toll and hope you can find a crack in the teen armour he has constructed.  I did things like no longer do his washing...prepared meals for him as I had no idea where he was...so he lived on cereal quite a bit... but I had to find a way to stop pandering, enabling, and suffering. I hope you can to.  ... View more

Best thing about being a teen’s parent is watching them become independent and choosing to uphold the same values as you, asking questions and asking for support as they make their own way. The most difficult thing is recognising that when the relationship has broken down severely and you face destruction of your home, and physical violence, that the best thing to do to protect everyone is to remove the teen from the home. The road back to a relationship will be extremely long and it is heartbreaking to know you may never both be on that road. That’s the tough stuff. ... View more

Hi @debbiew it sounds like you’re facing some behaviour from your son that is frightening and utterly unacceptable in your home. I have also faced that from my 15 year old and it led to some very scary times and sadly, escalated to the point he is no longer living at home. one strategy we tried to reinforce our expectations was to call a family meeting, and in the meeting we used a ‘talking stick’. Only the person holding the stick could talk. It did stop some discussions turning into screaming matches. I also suggest you try saying things like, ‘ I feel ...when you do/say/act in ...way’. Focus as much as you can on expressing what is acceptable behaviour in your home, and how his behaviour impacts you and others.  I used to say to my son that he was a bundle of potential but at the moment his actions were hurting himself, his family and his community.  I know it is terrifying to see such a shift in behaviour in your teen. I hope you can also find a way to put consequences in place for unacceptable behaviour. That’s really important. If he escalates physical behaviour and you feel unsafe at any time, call the police. Your safety is paramount, and in my experience the police are usually very understanding and keen to assist families dealing with sudden aggressive behaviour. Please also alert your school, as possibly there are things going on there which are playing out at home. I always had the attitude it takes a village to raise a child, and I called on teachers, sports coaches, relatives & friends to help. Sadly, our son has had to move out, but that doesn’t mean we stop caring or worrying and doing what we can in the background to try to ensure he has some success in his life.  Best of luck.   ... View more