Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

[TiredAndTried]

Hi #Carebear!! OMG so on the same track as you with my girl. Has been a rough last couple of Years with our girl. It started with her self-harming, we got all the help that was in offer therapy, councillor, groups, school involvement and also getting her to Dad leave (as she had mentioned that her Dad triggers her self-harm) he also went to anger management didn’t realise the words he was using were so abusive. We changed the situation in our home, no alcohol, everyone was to communicate, we had meetings every Sunday and family dinners. I cut my hours down and work we all changed everything to help her. I gave her freedom now and again but everytime she would do something wrong, drinking smoking etc. 2yrs later and I’ve come to realise that NO She is just a BRAT!!!! My other children have been pushed to the side for the last year and I’ve told her this Year, YOUR GOING TO THE SIDE!!! Because 1. She is so ungrateful and arrogant!! She’s rude and her moods are all to do with the **bleep** phone which i will be confiscating. I’m afraid I’m guna lose my mind and it’s not guna be pretty FOR HER. So stay strong

[Kerry36]

Hey Hun as a mum myself I’d say to just stand you ground as I do with my children.xx

[Aspen]

We completely understand you as we also are going for years through things like you.

My husband and I are constantly asking and questioning ourself what has gone wrong and if we had done something to trigger all this attitude and conflict with our now 16 years old daughter.

We came to a conclusion that no matter what we do it is always turned against us,no matter what..

We are constantly accused of everything,simple things in a flash of a second escalate into big issues in her mind,we can’t outtalk her,we can’t reason and discuss issues nicely because she gets so loud and upset with her accusations that we just let go for we don’t want to put ourself to screen at each other’s ears at the time.

Seems like she does not understand any point of view other her own,should we call it selfishness!?

To be honest,I am so disappointed,I never believed this is possible,you give all you have to those little people and what you get in return is like somebody who thinks you are the obstacle to everything in their life..so sad

Seems like everything is good when she needs us,but when is time to show some respect,,do some chores in the house or listen parents advise we are just a nusence.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @TiredAndTried, just letting you know that I edited your post to remove method of self-harm as it is against our guidelines here. It sounds like your daughter has a lot going on for her that is manifesting in risk-taking and other negative behaviour. Often teenagers might display behaviours that have totally different causes or meanings than what meets the eye. Is this something that has been explored with the support services you listed? Managing this alongside your own well-being and the well-being of your family is so difficult and I hear that this has been a struggle. How did the support you receive from therapy etc. help in this case? How is the anger-management and self-harm currently managed?

Hello @Aspen, it sounds like you can really relate to this post. I am sorry to hear that things have been quite difficult for the last few years. It can be a really trying period where the teenager is experiencing a lot of hormonal and self-discovery changes. Have you discussed these issues with local services like a school or counselor? It is important for parents to also receive support for themselves and engage in self-care to maintain health and well-being.

[Bigbear]

I feel for you care bear. This day in age is night and day compared to the days of us growing up assuming you are in the 40 -50 year range as I am. What kids are into nowadays is nothing like we were subject to I don't care what part of the country you're from or world for that matter. Socially I couldn't imagine at 15 being able to communicate visually with someone else on a handheld device let alone all the other means of communication that are available these days. My point to that is we are living in complete different times and parenting hasn't kept up with those changes. I have two kids 18 year old son and a fifteen-year-old daughter. My son has been great, very well-mannered, polite, respectful, Etc. My daughter on the other hand somehow didn't get the memo. The biggest problem we have in this house is issues between my wife and I and control. I can say whatever I want but my wife will allow her to do whatever she wants. Therefore I am the disliked one. Kids feed off that power struggle and know exactly how to play it. Tonight my daughter left with some boys that were older than her and what do you know the cops brought her home. The struggle is real and daily. The fact that you were even reaching out for answers shows that you are concerned and are trying to find a solution. Stay the course as I am and I do believe in the end it will all work out. Best of luck to you and your family

[Taylor-RO]

Sounds like a tough situation @Bigbear. The current generation does deal with a whole range of different issues and technology has moved fast. It is difficult to understand and adjust to some of these things as a parent. It does have negatives and positives and can influence each child differently. Do you ever talk about the power struggle with your wife?

[Bigbear]

Thanks for the reply! It's funny you should ask, my wife and I have had our share of problems and I do I think a lot of it if not most of it stems from that. I have confronted her multiple times about being more of a friend than a parent and more importantly disagreeing with me in front of the kids which generally leads to another fight. Things have gotten a lot better between us but I think the damage has been done. Not to go off course but there has been infidelity amongst other things and I have done everything I can to try to keep things together with odds stacked against me we are still here. For the record she was the Unfaithful one. We are both on the same page thankfully about our daughter though. I am not blind to the fact that I realized a lot of our problems directly affected her behavior and respect towards us. All I can do is continue to try and do the right thing. I guess the hardest part for me deal with is how quickly this all seem to change. Almost overnight having such a seemingly innocent daughter despise and hate me so much. Kids will always push but it's up to us to push back.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Bigbear

It sounds like a really difficult situation you are in right now. One thing that really resonated with me was this sentence: "All I can do is continue to try and do the right thing". I can hear that you are trying to do what you can to keep some boundaries in place for your daughter- it is really clear how much you love her and want her to have a healthier relationship with you both. I can imagine that must be really challenging when those boundaries are undermined and your relationship with your daughter is effected.

How have the last couple of weeks been for you?

[B-FLY]

First time ever posting a reply & for the first time in awhile i felt somewhat at ease i took in a deep breath & exhaled. Its as if im reading my own story..However there is 1 major factor that differs from this story, Being that I'm a sole-single mother with 3 girls eldest is 15yrs others are under 5yrs with not a great deal of positive outside or family support. And there are a number of incidents etc missing. Its like a nightmare u can never wake up from. Although over the years I have often googled & searched through every site available & thoroughly ramaged through available resources, Endless amounts of screenshots in hopes that this would be the time everything turns around for the better And I finally get to hold my beautiful, 1st born daughter missing for so many years tightly in my arms and smile once more. My daughter actually did run away last year it was my final undoing. This past yr has been the beginning of the worst. Due to thing's I experienced & went through as a child up to my early 20's I suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, depression & scaring to my soul so I'm a parent who suffers & lives with mental illness. After months of her stealing, lying, etc the worst was she was deliberately messing with my head to the point were I almost admitted myself to a facility as I thought I was going crazy..The night before she took off I literally fell collapsing to the floor in front of her & she stood there blank no reflex no emotion. The next day she took off I was holding my youngest in my arms and as she walked out the door I again collapsed. It was like my heart was brutally ripped from my body, Tears kept coming choking up I screamed for her to come back.."WHY" "HOW" I still don't understand & cannot process to move forward. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe I had nothing in me she is part of me & part of me is missing there is emptiness that cannot be filled I can only explain it as its not that she is just gone but that she passed over I'm grieving the death of my first born. And every time she has called or shown up its to save her from her consequences in the wrong choices she chooses to take even though she knows better. She also has no respect, rude, nasty, self centered, selfish, smart mouth & always knows best she too plays dumb to fit in but then again I'm stupid to her. She began starving herself therefore I ended up taking her to the G.P for an eating disorder. She causes such hurt & heartache, belittling me and making me feel unworthy of life. Everything & everyone is more valid & important but yet on the one who stands beside her & stands in front of her as a mumma grizzly bear when harm is in her way & even though I didn't want to admit it my own child hates me & no matter how I try or what I do I & her innocent sisters who adore beyond measure even after she has emotionally, mentally & physically been a bully to them will never be good enough.. I'm no saint & never claim to be the perfect parent. Ive never abused or neglected my children, put there health & saftey at risk nor have i walked out on them. I cant give them all the riches in the world but they always have my heart my unconditional love, food, clothing a roof over there heads they have never gone without & i do the best i can 90% of the time considering my circumstances. Well over the last few days thing's are just as she wants for now she took off from her godfathers threatening to end her life that's when he noticed several over a dozen were his words cuts on either arm..Even though on 3 separate occasions I had gut instinct, Mothers intuition & reported suspicion of self harm each time she managed to talk her way out of it & mycries for help dismissed. Then out the door she went saying she was going home to mum but she never returned. I'm told through the grapevine she's staying with a woman who is also a mother with young children (But hang on that's one of the reasons she couldn't be here..She has disregarded her own family to adopt another family.. ppfft) whom as a mother herself hasn't even bothered knowing I'm here frantic with worry & despair to contact me to let me know who she is where my child is & if she is OK. My daughter well it dsnt even cross her mind nor can she be bothered to contact me knowing I'm sick with worry & crippling heartache. I'm now pre paring for the rollercoaster of distruction ahead as she has told fabricated lies and made a ligations of what can be taken as seriously under child abuse & neglect, safety & wellbeing against myself and her godfather so she is not made to or have to return to either homes. I'm absolutely flawed that she has done such a hurtful & nasty thing that potentially will have the rest of my family torn apart but criminal charges are a factor...As much as I want to just let her go I struggle to find an answer to the crime i am being harshly punished & sentenced for I can't switch off, I can't not care...I cannot let go

[Erin-RO]

Hey @B-FLY we're glad you've found your voice and were able to express what's been going on for you and your daughter. This sounds like such a complex and heartbreaking situation to be in and I guess after reading through everything, I'm just hoping that you all have found some comfort in hearing each other's struggles (knowing you're not alone) & strategies and that you all @Carebear75 @Bigbear are getting some one-to-one support to help top up your tanks when you need it?