Estrangement

[Fred2019]

Hi all,this is my first post.Feeling extreme sadness as I try to adjust to my 18yr old son,almost 19 abandoning his family completely to live a life full of risky behaviour,wrecklessness,abuse and an attitude of no consequences for actions.We have given everything through his upbringing unconditional love,adjustments and full commitment as a family to now be rejected.This is raw and new and its hard to watch him make so many mistakes in such a short few months.I could go on forever in detail but any comments appreciated at this point.Dani

[mrskode]

That must be really hard. I have a 18 year daughter, almost 19. She is still living at home with us, but has disconnected herself from us. She is demanding, disrespectful and has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 weeks. She locks herself in her bedroom and only leaves the house when she goes to work. She keeps saying that she wants to move out.
I found out yesterday that she has been using her 8 year old sister to spy on us and to pass on information. We told her last night that the manipulation has to stop immediately. However it has fallen on deaf ears, because she was caught out tonight trying to use her sister again. I am in the procees of trying to find other accommodation so that she can move out. I have to protect my other two children.
I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I wish that I could help you. Some teenagers have to move out and learn the hard way and face the consequences. Hopefully, your son will find his way back to you.

[FamilyVision]

Hi Dani, 

We can certainly understand the pain you are going through. Like you we have an almost 19 year old son who walked out at the beginning of January after announcing he had given himself and purchased a significant number of tattoos. He has been living with another family (against our wishes and with no respect from them at all) and have been told he is 18 and can do what he wants - it has broken our hearts. Dani if it helps at all - through the counselling available in this service it has been a huge help and has slowly started the path towards rebuilding our relationship. The team have been extremely supportive. I am sure we have the same goal, to get our children back on track so they can achieve the amazing life we know they can experience. Thinking of you

[Fred2019]

Thanks for your reply mrskode, I hate that other families are going through similar things but it is supportive to know I am not alone. The communication barriers seem the hardest and even though we try to instill strategies throughout their lives I feel the immaturity shows through even though they repeatedly remind us that at 18 they are adults and can do what they like. It is the lifelong damage or consequence that worries me the most. I think they do need to learn from their mistakes but not at the cost of things they cant retract.My son is heading down the path of the law dealing with him but he has no fear of consequence and I can see this will impact later in life to get a job etc. Thanks again and goodluck with your daughter, it is hard to do tough love and to recognise that her behaviour affects the whole family and sometimes you do have to protect other family members.

[Fred2019]

Thanks for being so open FamilyVision. I also see the influences of other people on my son and I feel disappointed that he is being so gullible and listening to their every suggestion, mostly from the girlfriend who he seems very obsessed by. He even chooses homelessness to be near her. Some of his decisions have left us flawed and we try to see it from his perspective but it is difficult to watch.I feel how upsetting this is and remembering what they have been growing up is hurtful when it is thrown all away for them wanting independence and to explore the world. There is nothing wrong with that apart from the decisions my son has made to abandon the family completely, that is what we are struggling with. Thank you for the suggestion re the counselling.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Fred2019, it sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. You want your children to learn consequences but also fear that this may impact them later on in their life. It is hard to strike a balance, isn't it? It is really saddening to hear that you are feeling helpless as your son makes all these decisions without you and your family. What got the situation to this point where you son decided to leave the family? Thinking of you

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Fred2019,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are going this week? Our community is here for you if you need someone to lean on