I am lost and dont know what to do

[Mrsboss14]

I am concerned about my teenage daughter. She is 15.
Since she was 11 she has on and off again been stealing and lying from myself and her dad.
Anywhere from money to jewellery and so forth.
Now I was a child of the state growing up. So I am a very strict parent.
I don’t allow social media or electronics during the week ect.
I believe in having chores done before being allowed to stay at friends and doing fun things.
My teenager pushed and pushed about a mobile phone to which she got one when she started high school. Explained all the stranger danger things and she still did the wrong thing and went on a website and exchanged numbers with a guy who claimed he was 17 when she was only 13 and half at the time. So I took the phone off her and had my niece who is a police officer speak to her about it. She earnt the phone back but then has kept pushing for social media ect I have constantly said no and the phone has a lot of restrictions so she can not access them on the phone.
Now her friend group at school I believe are leading her a stray as I found a vape in her room which she says she hasn’t touched it ect she picked it up off the floor so her friends didn’t get into trouble. When she is on a good path her grades are amazing when she isn’t on a good path her grades attitude and behaviour are down the toilet. She has told her siblings that she should have been the only child and wishes that she was the only child
She has also said to her siblings that she wants to be in an asylum like the joker and be part of the mafia and have a Mafia boss.
She has recently voiced she does not want to live with me or her dad anymore that she wants to live with my mother who i have nothing to do with and I have said she can not live with her as she couldn’t even raise her own kids so how do you think she can raise you.
I believe I am a very fair parent if you do your chores properly and behaviour is up to scratch you can go to your friends have your electronics ect.
But I have stated to her that I don’t believe teenagers should be hanging at the shops if they do not have any money I don’t believe they should be there if they don’t. I said I wouldn’t have a problem with it if she had a job and wanted to go and buy stuff ect.
I jsut don’t know what to do any more
I have spoken to the school about this I have tried numerous amounts of times to speak with her. We started family counseling on Monday and she wouldn’t even speak.

Aslo my partner is not her biological father
But he has raised her like she is his
Her bio father pasted away a few years ago she never met him as it was domestic violence relationship and police removed us. She knows that my other half isn’t her real dad.
She has been writing notes and saying that she wished her dad was still alive
And maybe she is truly this last name not this one ect
My other half is heart broken we are lost as to what more can we do

[Marimo-RO]

Hi @Mrsboss14 

Welcome to the parents and carers community and thank you for sharing what you’re going through with your family. I can hear the hurt, frustration and concern you have for your daughter as you’re trying to demonstrate good examples for her but receiving a lot of push back in return.

I can see where some of the things your daughter has said and her actions can raise alarms and be a cause for distress. It sounds like both you and your partner have been trying your best to help improve the situation by deciding to attend family counseling and I wanted to encourage you to keep building on that external support while you’re working out this difficult situation. I’m wondering if you’ve been able to talk to your daughter about being on board with improving the family relationship just as you are? It might help to understand if you have a shared vision from family counseling or at least give you something to work towards.

We also have a Parent Coaching service that offers free professional coaching and one-on-one support for parents and carers. We’ll be sending you an email shortly so please keep an eye out for it.

Take care in the meantime and looking forward to hearing from you.

[Mrsboss14]

My daughter came to the family counselling she just sat there she barely even said 2 words. She is currently at my dad’s who I have had an off and on again relationship with.
Yes she would be in danger if she was to go to my mothers as my mother is a medication junkie and a bed hopper I don’t even know where she lives or who with at this current time.
We explained to my daughter the importance of the sessions but she did not have any import to any of the conversations.
She requested to go back to my fathers after the session which I have allowed but this is not a long term outcome.
I jsut don’t know what to do anymore.
Feels like speaking to her does not get anywhere. She is constantly taking our stuff then lying about it and then says I am holding her back even though we have been very supportive of getting a job to keep her occupied.
While being at my dad’s it is causing a little bit of tension between us like when I was younger.

We have filled out the forms to get her surname legally changed also something she said she wants. But then says she doesn’t. When I spoke to the school guidance counseller she said this is typical teenage behaviour how is this typical?
Wanting to be in an asylum wanting to be an only child wanting to be part of the mafia and have a mafia boss lying stealing ect.
I just want my beautiful daughter back who loves and respects family.

I don’t have many friends and the family I have is very minimal because a lot of my family allow there children to be on social media and we all argue about the fact I don’t think it is right for children under high school age to have a mobile device or social media . I believe that these things are earnt not just given and there has to be boundaries to follow and when broken then they need to realise the consequences.

[Marimo-RO]

Hi @Mrsboss14 

Thank you for your response. 

I can hear how stressful and tough everything has been. I really encourage you to reach out to the supports mentioned above as it is important that you have someone to talk to during this difficult time.

I hope you continue to find the support you seek.

I wish you the best moving forward.

[CatMaman]

Hi Mrs Boss14

I totally understand your feelings,
I'm going through a lot of stuff with my daughter as well right now - she's 14 and addicted to her phone which I have observed to be the case with many teenagers.

I have strict rules in my house too, & also not a lot of friends or family either (I was in a DV situation also + am ND) so it is really difficult.
I hope you can get the support you need, I've just recently reached out to some community supports as well, as I need help too.
Anyway I just wanted to say you're not alone though.

[Lily_RO]

Hi @CatMaman , it's wonderful to see you in the community providing support to others. 

It sounds like you’re navigating some tough challenges of your own, and it’s completely valid to feel that things are difficult. Navigating a relationship with a teenager who’s struggling with phone addiction can be incredibly challenging, especially when you’re also dealing with your own experience of DV and challenges of being neurodivergent. 

It’s completely understandable to feel the weight of DV in your current situation. If you or anyone else ever needs additional support, I encourage you to reach out to 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 support for anyone impacted by domestic or abuse, and can help guide you to relevant resources. 

Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s truly commendable that you’re reaching out to support others while dealing with your situation. Keep reaching out and leaning on your supports when you need it. 

We have also sent you an email to check in, please keep an eye out for it