My Ex is manipulating my children and causing a big rift

[Daynada05]

I am struggling right now. I left my partner of 23 years and father to our 4 x children almost 2 years ago now. 

When I left I took 3 x children with me. My eldest, then 13, stayed with her dad. He had manipulated her into  thinking I was a bad person as I didn't show him any appreciation for taking our little boy (Our boy was run over at 10 months old and is now a  fit and healthy 8 year old) for his check ups in Sydney.

Yet, I was home with 3 x children and working full time to support our family as he didn't work at all after the accident.  I didn't need any appreciation. I worked, cooked, cleaned, looked after the kids on my own, took them places with lots of friends, did all the birthday parties, dinner, bath, bed, homework,picked them up (ex always too drunk). Everything. Yet I'm th bad one. 

I was told by him to not talk to my daughter or tell her what to do. I even got in trouble for knocking on her door every night before I went to bed to say goodnight and I love you. This was seen as harassing her. Can I point out she had been cutting and so this was as much as natural motherly love to also making sure she was ok before I went to be every night?

After 12 months my 2nd daughter didn't want to go to school on the day we had to move house a second time. When I told her she had to go (in a nice way) she went and called her father without me knowing and he was coming to pick her up and let her stay home at his place for the day. I raised my voice and yelled she was not allowed to call her dad when i say no. We calmed down, we talked, we cried. I told her I thought I was losing her. She said no. She went with her father and never came home. 

She couldn't tell me what I had done. I knew it was all my ex and my older daughter feeding her lies.

I have now found out that my ex blames me for the accident of our boy and he has said all my girls know it was me that blew family up. Everyone knows except our boy Ben. 

Now my 12 year old is getting manipulated and I feel so uneasy and uncopmfortable every time she comes home because I know they have all been talking.

How do I tell my 12 year old about all of the horrible text messages, abuse, name calling and tell her it was not my fault it was simply an accident and we all need to move on  and although we not a family uner one roof anymore we could all still be a normal seperated family.

I do not get to see my 2 x older daughters at all. They are just as rude and throw abuse my way everytime they speak to me.  

How do i tell them what my ex is doing without speaking badly of him?

[MaryRO]

Hi @Daynada05,

Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time with your girls. This must be so painful to see your ex's manipulation working on your girls. I can imagine how hard it must be to want to speak to your girls and them not giving you a chance to explain.

This can be a tricky situation to explain to them if they are not open to listening to you. If they are open to listen to you then it might be worthwhile to explain to them very logically what had happened. Then follow on by letting them know from your heart space how much all your children mean to you, thus not wanting any of them to get hurt. It can be difficult to have these talks when they are getting confusing messages from one parent.

I am also wondering if you believe that your girls are safe being with their father. You mentioned that the oldest lives with her father do the other girls as well? If the girls are unsafe are you comfortable enough to contact Child Protection? The girls and your ex may not be happy with this as supports may be put in place, however if you believe they are unsafe it might help them in the long run. Does he still get drunk while they are around and is it often? Are there any other behaviours of his that may be affecting your children on the emotional or mental level?

Do you think you and your girls could work with a family therapist who can help you resolve this conflict among you? This might be helpful as it will be mediated by a neutral party. Is it possible for you and your daughters to go out and have a girl’s day out, start off by having a bit of fun and then gently discuss the topic? Is there another family member that the girls like being around that could help support an outing with you and them? It might help the interactions with all of you and might make the conversation go smoothly. Do you think any of these suggestions would work for you?