Hi
I am 21, in college. I have a friend i met recently and we talk a lot about each other. I am so confused because there are so many times i tell him about my parents and he goes "hey, that is not normal". Like, my mom and dad make every decision for me, and when i tell them that i wanna do things my way, follow my dreams, my mother first tries to explain rationally. If i don't listen, she starts crying, emotionally blackmailing me into giving in. Again, if i don't she screams and throws a tantrum, saying really bad stuff like how i hate her and don't care about the family. That she was better off dead, that she should commit suicide. She blames everything on me. To the outside world we are a perfect family, too perfect to be true. But it gets exhausting pretending to be someone you're not.
My mom and dad don't have a good relation. When i was 15, my mom told me stuff about how my dad hurts her emotionally, how he doesn't love her. I remember sitting between them, listening and trying to sort it out, and they'd start fighting again. For a fifteen year old me, I was in shock because i thought my mom and dad were the perfect couple and then everything just vanished and i couldn't believe that i was discussing divorce with my mother. Also, every time they fight, they blame it on me. It's my fault, always. They hit me, on rare occasions but criticized and scolded me everyday because apparently they were stressed.
I think i might have depression for five years now, but they won't believe me and when i did tell my mother, she started blaming herself till i begged her to stop. She wants to know literally everything about me. They put a GPS on my phone and check my last seen on texting apps. My mom decides when we need to talk and when we don't. And it's always to convince me that i'm the one whose mind is playing games.
I told some of this to my friend and he is the one who asked me to look up parental emotional abuse online. The thing is I've been trying to find stuff that says otherwise but everything points to the fact that i have been abused by my own parents. I am currently in denial mode. I feel humiliated, exposed, used and disgusted that i couldn't protect myself and on the other hand, I can't believe it's my parents i'm talking about.
Can someone please tell me what is happening? Was i really abused? And how should i proceed now? Thanks for reading this. It means a lot. Please help me.
P.S. Right now, It's holidays, i'm supposed to be at home but i ran away, back to my college hostel because i couldn't live there anymore.
