10-10-2019 01:37 PM
10-11-2019 10:25 AM
Hi @dka70 and thank you for reaching out to our Parents Community!
I am so sorry to hear how much your family has been through I am hearing that you have done everything you can to support your daughter these last few years. My heart goes out to you; it is so hard to see a teen struggling so much!
Would you be open to sharing with us a bit more about your family? Is your daughter in school or still actively seeking help?
During such a challenging time, I am hearing how exhausted you are and the helplessness you are feeling right now So many parents in our community can relate to where you are right now- when you have fought so hard for your daughter's wellbeing and recovery, I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be for you to see her still struggle. I want you to know you are not alone; we will do what we can to support you and be a listening ear when you need one. How have you been going with looking after your personal wellbeing? Parents deserve support and me time too
10-11-2019 01:08 PM - last edited on 10-11-2019 02:52 PM by Jess1-RO
Thank you for replying to me! It means so much. My daughter is 17 now she began struggling after my Mom died unexpectedly. My Mom looked after my kids (my son is going to turn 16 in a couple weeks).
My Mom was like here second Mom and when she died I was so distraught the first year I wasn’t there for my daughter emotionally at all. About a year after the death we noticed my daughter was angry she kicked a hole in her bedroom wall and I immediately made an appointment for counseling at our local Ministry of Children and Family services and of course we had to be on wait list for 4 months before a councillor started seeing her. It is so much to tell I can’t even begin to cover what we have done and what we have been through. One thing I can say is that we feel very alone in our struggle and I am very private so don’t talk to many people about what is REALLY going on. I can create a checklist of all the coping mechanisms my daughter has used from self harm, to sex, to drugs, and including now pot. All along she has been to counseling off and on although talk therapy hasn’t done much since she is so closed in nobody knows what she is really thinking. She relapsed last night and self harmed again she said it isn’t bad enough for medical attention. I think she self harmed because she doesn’t have any pot right now as she has been really sick with a cold so hasn’t been out if the house. She saw her councillor today and I saw mine. I think she had a good session today I hope she felt good to possibly have an honest talk with her therapist maybe after today they will make more progress? My daughter hasn’t really attended school much since grade 8. Since grade 10 she gas been in an alternate school and goes when she can which is hardly at all she didn’t finish any grade 10 courses in grade 10. A couple of years ago she went to a hospital and stayed in the adolescent psychiatric unit fir diagnosis. They diagnosed her with Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety and Social Anxiety. During this time she had her first love unbeknownst to me as I thought they were the best of friends. In the end they broke up and he turned out to be the kind who talked to her one day then just ignored her out of the blue she said mom I felt like there must be something really wrong with me if he just wants nothing to do with me out of the blue and that’s one of the reasons I self harm 😢Of course I was clueless to anything because she doesn’t tell me anything feel like that. She is supposed to graduate this year we have opted for a different type of diploma requiring less credits and I hope she can finish school this year although so far attendance has been hardly at all. She once had a job summer before last and really enjoyed it although she still struggled with life. This past spring she took a leave of absence from the job because she went to an adolescent treatment centre for 3 months. I had such high hopes for the treatment centre it really was a last ditch effort as before that she just laid in bed most days and was always talking about suicide. We have been to the hospital with her 2 times for her feeling so suicidal she was in the hospital for that just before she went to treatment centre we had been in wait list for treatment centre nearly a year. When my daughter got home she was worse and the friends she had become close to this past year are all wounded and smoke pot every day. So here we are now I am so thankful she has a tribe so to speak as she has spent a lot of time feeling and being alone as she left elementary school friends behind as her struggles increased. But with this truce she smokes pot regularly. I don’t know what to say I understand that it helps her numb out but I don’t want her to become an addict. I could go on and on here but I think you get the idea. My son has begun alternate school last year as you can imagine living like this in our house of roller coaster emotions you start to feel different from your friends and isolate. In the end there is nothing we haven’t done to try to help my daughter and we will continue to do everything we can but is is very hard and navigating the mental health system in our area is awful. I feel like no one really cares and you have to fight for every bit of “help” you get.
I just found out about a codependent support group through a friend and plan to start going. I attend counseling regularly and do what I can to look after myself as I know that as much as my husband is doing the best he can if I did not continue steering this ship we will drown.
I did a google search as I do many over the years always reading and trying to figure out what’s going on with my daughter and that’s how I found this forum. I am thankful I did because I really need support from people who know what I’m going through because when I look around in the world I don’t see it. I feel like our family is the only one amidst all the normal families. So thank you for replying to me I am glad I found this community🤗
10-13-2019 03:13 PM - edited 10-13-2019 03:15 PM
Hi @dka70, thanks for sharing all of that and providing more context to the situation. It sounds like your family has been going through a very stressful time since the passing of your mother. She seemed so very important to both you and your daughter so I am sorry to hear of your loss It is a shame that it sounds as though you aren't receiving the help you deserve and need. That can be quite frustrating and disappointing for anyone struggling with their mental health. Being honest and open is really important in therapy but it can take time for anyone to feel comfortable sharing their story. Hopefully over time, she is able to make more progress in the sessions with her therapist.
It is great that you have a lot of support for yourself to help get you and your family through this. Often when our families face issues, we forget that we need to attend to our own needs too to be able to support our families. What about your daughter? Are there any activities that she engages in? It could be another way to connect with your daughter and open up the gateway to conversation. I know a lot of parents have shared some similar experiences here on the forums, so you are not alone although it may feel like this is the reality. A lot of families have their own issues and complexities which often is not known until we share our own. I noticed that you said you are hesitant to tell others what is really going on. What do you think is holding you back? Would you ever think of sharing your struggle with those around you?
10-23-2019 01:39 PM
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