ex took child overseas

[nick99]

I was married for twelve years to a very abusive woman.  She basically made my life a living hell.  She was very controlling, used to fly into rages and scream and shout at me for hours. She was very jealous and possessive.  I wasn’t allowed to have any friends She was also a hoarder, lots of OCD types of behaviour and generally a real nightmare. At the start of the relationship she was ok but over time she got progressively worse.

I ended up leaving her and moving back to the UK and even then she wouldn’t leave me alone, claiming she was dying of cancer when she wasn’t.  What made matters worse is I had a child with her.  There were lots of issues with my son.  Suspected Asperger’s syndrome.  Now I really made a huge effort to help my son.  I took him to private doctors for over two years but my ex wife refused to let me get him treatment so his behaviour just escalated. What made matters worse is my son inherited a lot of my ex wife’s abusive behaviours as well.  So over time I had two very abusive people making my life a living hell. Twelve years of this made me a complete wreck that I barely survived.

I ended up moving back to Australia because I felt so guilty not seeing my son. I am remarried and have a two-year-old daughter.  My current wife did not want my son from the previous marriage in our home because initially we both tried very hard to build a relationship with him and provide him a stable home but he was pretty awful to both of us.  He hurt my wife and was incredibly abusive to both of us.

He stayed with us last year for six weeks and his behaviour was horrendous.  He terrorised us in our home. His behaviour was identical to his mothers. He was very aggressive and it was a nightmare because our daughter was only a baby.  It got to the stage where we went out and stayed out all day to avoid him.

 I have tried for years to try and establish a relationship with him but his mother’s erratic behaviour has made it almost impossible.  In February of this year I just couldn’t deal with it anymore and cut contact.

Because my ex wife was such a nightmare she was unable to find a genuine relationship and started having relationships with Nigerian men.  Two of them attempted to scam money out of her and the third one she went there and married him with the intention of bringing him to Australia. The immigration department refused his visa as he is in his 20’s and she’s late fifties. . I have recently found out my ex wife has taken my son to Nigeria to live.  I never really agreed to this but the problem was my son wouldn’t be able to live with us.  My wife didn’t want him in our home  because of his behaviour and was worried for her and my daughter’s safety. 

I really don’t want to report her to the police, as I fear that if I do this, she will never return to Australia.  I am totally racked with guilt and feel totally helpless.  I feel so sad and helpless and an utter failure.  I know I am suffering PTSD and horrendous anxiety over this and just don’t know what to do.  I totally blame my self despite the fact I did everything possible.  I feel like a terrible person.

I want to rescue my son from this but my wife does not want him living with us.  My ex wife's daughter , my sons sister s trying to help me but she's worried about letting him live with her because of his behaviour.

i just don't know what to do.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @nick99 and thank you so much for the courage to reach out and share with us the really difficult experience your family is going through at the moment I can't begin to imagine how heartbreaking it would be to have your son moved away without your input, and to see his behaviour escalate in the way it has- my heart goes out to you and your wife.

You mentioned that your son has now been moved overseas with your exwife and her new husband. We can't give you legal advice, but would encourage you to seek the support of services such as legal aid who can talk you through your rights and options. They will be able to give you a better picture and help you make decisions for your son moving forward. Have you engaged a legal service so far?

What we can offer is a listening ear and someone to talk to  What is your support network like at the moment? Do you have friends, family or professionals to help you through this?

I can imagine the feeling of guilt that you have described is so tough, and from what I have read here it sounds like you have done the very best that you could to support your son while also protecting your wife and young daughter When your kids are on opposite sides of the world, I can't begin to imagine the heart ache. If you ever need to speak to someone right away, I would really recommend mensline or Relationships Australia for some extra support.

Check back in with us when you can- our community is sending our collective support to your right now.

[PapaBill]

Hi @nick99 

It sounds like very tough time you are continuing to experience.

We always want the best for our children and it is very tough when you want to help and are unable.

Are you able to keep in touch with your son?  Can you reach him on social media etc?

It might be possible to keep communications channels open and be able to support your son as he develops?