14yo son wants to move to NZ to be with father

[Shell811]

Hi there.

First time on here and I’d really appreciate some insight/first hand experience info

my son’s father moved back to NZ in August 2019 and he has been with me full time (except school hols) since then. And then covid hit.... he’s not seen dad since end of January but they’re in regular contact via Skype. 

Things have been tough through lockdown for both of us and my son has now decided he wants to leave at end of term 3 for NZ.

Before dad left, we had 50/50 care. My son can’t stand his step mother and isn’t the biggest fan of his half brothers (5&3yo). I think my son has forgotten this and has been encouraged by dad to decided to leave by being in his ear painting a rosy picture of how life would be other there. 

Im of the belief that he should stay until the end of year 9 at least or until the  end of year 10 along with nz visits

Has anyone been through this before? What was the outcome.? Any advice you can give?  My son won’t talk about it and I’m at my wits end. 

Thanks in adavance

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Shell811, thanks for sharing that. It sounds like you are in a really difficult position, especially given your son is reluctant to talk about this. Do you know where the reluctance comes from? It does sound like it would be worthwhile if you could discuss the issues you have mentioned about the step mum and her kids. Just so your son can consider these things if he has not already. It is really hard to make decisions during a pandemic or even in the aftermath of one! Also, have you been able to talk to his dad about the move? For example, what the new arrangements would be, how often can your son visit, what if your son is not happy etc. You could also have a think about what would happen if you don't let your son move. What do you think things will be like at home? I guess with the current restrictions on travelling, there is still some time to decide and time for life to begin to return to normal which may help the situation. I can imagine this must be really stressful for you, alongside everything else going on at the moment.

If you find yourself needing some support, there is also a service called ParentLine which offers telephone counselling. It also has a number of referrals and resources that may be helpful for you. Please feel welcome to keep us updated 

[Shell811]

Thanks @Taylor-RO,. It certainly is a though time. I’ve got the school counsellor lined up to have a chat with my son (not that they can report back to me) but I’ll brief them first of the situation. I’m unsure why he refuses to speak other than he’s more interested in gaming. 

Unfortunately things between father and I are very acrimonious. Underwent mediation before he left which resolved nothing and left me paying for all the mediation. Conversations with father are virtually impossible as he doesn’t listen. 

Another fact is my son is a nz citizen so he can fly to nz but has to quarantine. Until there’s a bubble between the countries, any option of visiting or returning may be difficult.

you have given me some things to think about too, thank you!

[Sophia-RO]

I am glad to hear that you found the advice to be helpful @Shell811 ! It is a shame to hear that you are not able to communicate effectively with your son's father. I imagine that would make things hard, especially now since your son is considering moving over there. Hopefully he is more open to communicating with you around this, as it sounds like it would be a good idea to have a few options on the table in case your son does not enjoy his time in NZ (if he does move over).

It's really good to hear that you have been really proactive and engaged the school counsellor. Hopefully they will be able to discuss this with your son and possibly relay some points back to you or ask your son to open up this discussion with you to let you know how he is feeling. I hope that your son can discuss this with you so that you can all come to a decision that everyone feels comfortable with. Please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums

[alitechhub]

thanks for sharing that. It sounds like you are in a really difficult position, especially given your son is reluctant to talk about this. Do you know where the reluctance comes from? It does sound like it would be worthwhile if you could discuss the issues you have mentioned about the step mum and her kids. Just so your son can consider these things if he has not already. It is really hard to make decisions during a pandemic or even in the aftermath of one! Also, have you been able to talk to his dad about the move? For example, what the new arrangements would be, how often can your son visit, what if your son is not happy etc. You could also have a think about what would happen if you don't let your son move. What do you think things will be like at home? I guess with the current restrictions on travelling, there is still some time to decide and time for life to begin to return to normal which may help the situation. I can imagine this must be really stressful for you, alongside everything else going on at the moment.