Hello my first time posting. I hope that other parents can help me with options, ideas, or just input on the situation. My daughter is 9 1/2 years old. Within the last two weeks she's got her first sports bras, she wants to wear one cuz she doesn't feel comfortable with the buds that are blossoming on her chest. She said her dad would freak out about it. My mom got involved and spoke to her dad her dad said she shouldn't be wearing a bra till she's 12 which my mom replied "I was a 36C when I was 12.!" My daughter went to the doctor for a checkup, which I was conveniently left out of until after the fact, he told me that the doctor said pretty much what he had said and that is she doesn't need a bra for at least 6 months. I immediately called the doctor to get the scoop on the appointment and she said that she told Lea you can wear a bra every single day a sports bra every single day if she'd like but you probably won't need to wear one every day for 6 months. So I took this information and when I went to pick her up on Sunday 2 Days Later I said to my daughter, in front of her father you know what the doctor said you can wear one everyday you probably don't need to wear one every day for 6 months. Right before that came out of my mouth he again stated that the doctor said not for six months he was quite put off that I presented it that way and he said well I guess it's up to Ava if she's comfortable or not and I said yes finally I was like he got it cool he angrily said well if you want to go out and buy bras perfect I went out and bought one sports bra but that disappeared shortly thereafter under his roof so I just went out and bought a bunch. She sense she wore the first day she hasn't been wearing it since I pretty much can tell it's because her dad said something but I don't know for sure. I'm so sorry this is long-winded. I literally have no other parents to talk to. Here's the points that I need help with my daughter has been telling me for two years that she wishes her dad would not come in bathroom when she's showering, well the first year he was still washing her she didn't want him to wash her she said that to him, he would still do it . Then the second year when she was 8 then it was he still washing her body won't listen oh, now she's nine and a half he has limited it to coming in to make sure her hair is rinsed. She said the other day he'll find any reason to come in the bathroom when she is showering and that she can only shower in his bathroom not her bathroom. First off if you want to cast a stone my way and say what the hell is wrong with you as a mom that you would let that happen I deserve it okay. I can't let guilt or fear of him stop me this time. My daughter is uncomfortable also the pediatrician said that she has officially started puberty. She's been at the " I need my privacy" age for a while now and yet her father refuses to give it to her and she has sworn me to secrecy. I feel like the only reason she shares any information at all is because she knows it won't go any further than me and her. The last time which was about four weeks ago she told her dad she doesn't want him coming in the bathroom when she's in the shower he yelled at her and said that because she's been hanging out with her mom too much she's getting this attitude. I have just been allowed to pick up my daughter without my step parents supervising. I have custody of my daughter I just don't have placement of her due to a jail stint directly related to drug and alcohol issues. If you want to throw a stone at me for that I'll take it I've been sober for two and a half years I'm actively involved in a local AA Club recently because of the pandemic we've only been open for meetings and the board of directors for the club in my city have trusted me enough to give me the key to the place where I open it up I close it , and a secretary of two meetings and treasurer of two meetings. I love life and I love sobriety. I've been letting fear drive this ship for a little bit too long. How do I protect my daughter when I'm sworn to secrecy. He is the type of parent according to my daughter who throughout the past two or three years oh, well tell her things like Mommy doesn't want to see you more than only on Sundays oh, your bad behavior is because your mom teaches it to you example burping just being rambunctious, when I do nothing but teach my daughter manners and to be respectful. I've never used her as a weapon in an adult game her father has, even my mom has, and I'm the one without placement my mind is blown. And there's no law against a dad who wants to make his daughter feel uncomfortable in the shower, there's no law against the dad who wants to try to get his daughter to believe her mom's a piece of s***, or brainwasher into believing that Mom doesn't really want to spend time with you. I'm not that parent I like I said there's no law against those things. Within the next week actually within the next few days I'll be sending them over a schedule an official proposal which I've been working with him since May, an official proposal can either accept or deny and we can go to court. No mind you were only going to court for a simple placement change nothing else. That should require mediation may be a guardian ad litem. What I want is for him to stop doing that what I want is for him to put her needs and her comfort and her independence and her self-worth before any agenda he has. That's what I want. I need to do something my daughter is getting at that age where she well I'm worried she's going to start to wonder why Mom did nothing. If he were a normal person it would be as easy as saying well did she ask you to stop coming in the shower when she was in there okay well then stop doing it a normal dad would say oh geez honey I'm so sorry I won't do that anymore. Last Sunday night I made sure she showered before I drove her home. I had her Monday I took her to her ballet class Monday night her dad was there we watched our daughter together it was nice. It was a nice show of combined support for her. I said well I'd like to keep her till 9 like I have been, he didn't reply time went by at the end of her class he whispered to her you can go with your mom but don't shower over there you have to shower at home. That's a big red flag to me. Really this whole time I thought I don't think he's being sexually inappropriate with her by that I mean touching exposing himself but that's a red flag it's all a red flag. Or is it? Every time I voice the concern that I had or said the truth about the situation I got looked at and treated as if I was a bitter parent. I don't know how to move forward but I know I need to move. I don't know how this forum thing works I don't know if people come on here and they're serious and without judgment want to give good advice or if it's like everything else on the internet and you just have judgmental mean people. Well if that's the case I'm pretty tough plus I'm not here to listen to anything except to those who have good solid advice logical advice unemotional. Taking a lot of mental training to get where I am and I can still use more that's for sure it's a constant thing to try to go about co-parenting logically and not emotionally. I'm a mom who knows that my daughter needs her whole family not just certain people. All right now I'm going to start rambling so I'll stop there you know like I said this is a practice thing I don't want to become a parent who is thinking badly about him. Something's got to change because the other day I told her I told my daughter I said your dad's a little crazy I did tell her that that's not okay that her privacy should be respected and it's okay for her to stick up for herself. She got a toy last weekend he said to her if you can make sure your mom doesn't call me or text me all week I'll buy you a toy on Saturday . She informed me that he bribes her a lot I told her that's not right . And there's no way that she can control if Mommy text or calls him . I just realized that he must know he's doing something wrong if he's bribing her to be quiet . But she's afraid of him, and she definitely afraid will not deathly afraid but she reiterates to me seriously and sternly do not tell my dad when she tells me stuff. It hurts my heart oh, I could feel her fear when she said it to me the other day. What do I do oh and I've already suggested she could run this by her teacher and see what the teacher says about it. The teacher that was last year oh, she said no I said why she said because my teacher is not my mom. That was six months ago what is wrong with me please help me with advice, keeping in mind there's no law against anything that he's doing. The crime against humanity I mean right shouldn't my daughter be allowed the privilege of privacy and respect? I'm her mom I'm here to guide her I'm here to teach her discipline her which means to teach, how do I Shine the Light on this and protect her also she still needs her dad now are some of the things he is doing serious enough and if they are what does it warrant? Classes counseling? I don't know how to go forward , and I can't do it without her approval or else the trust that she and I have it will be marred big time. That was extremely long when did I apologize, I really would appreciate serious considerate feedback thank you
Hi @LostMomma, we just want to say thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation and are just trying to do the right thing. I can tell that you care about your daughter a lot and your motherly instinct is kicking in to protect her at all costs. What is your relationship like with your Mum, has she been helpful throughout this ordeal? Has she been looking after your daughter?
We are also an Australian service so it is difficult for us to comment on any appropriate services or referrals for you. You are still most welcome to keep us updated by posting here. Hopefully some other parents comment with some support soon.
Just so you know, we have sent you an email with some more information