Teen age Daughter being very rude to 9 years old.

[Insaaf]

Hi, hope everyone is doing fine, I am struggling with a very common problem where my teen age daughter is being rude and mean to be 9-year-old. She says things to her like go kill yourself, nobody cares about you, you are a brat and list goes on. Is short teen age is not showing kind behavior towards 9-year-old. Listening to their conversation every day just make me sad depress and sad. In response to teen age daughter rude word the 9-year-old daughter is now started with bad words as well so she will say you have pimples on your face, you are ugly etc. I tried to connect with 9-year-old and ask her to be empathetic towards teen age sister, but she always says to me what to do when her elder sister being mean to her. To some extent i can still control little one (9year old) with time outs, consequences like taking away devices but with teen age i don't know what techniques to sue when she is being rude with everyone. She is keeping on forgetting her lunch and don't take responsibility of anything. In studies and anything she don't take any advice and also don't learn from her mistakes. When she is happy, she is fine but as soon as some stress comes, she is like a rude person. Every day is a struggle in my household. I have no idea how to handle this situation. Anything i can do to discipline my teen age.

Regards 

[Shiv-RO]

Hi @Insaaf 

Welcome to the ReachOut Parents Forum, we are glad you have found us!

Sounds like dynamics are challenging between your children at the moment.  It must be so difficult as a parent to watch your children struggle and to manage the competing needs of both your children during times of conflict. I am sure it is difficult for you to see them struggling, well done for Reaching Out for help. Firstly, I would just like to check in on how you are coping with all this. It’s tough being a parent, do you have any supports for yourself at the moment?

You mentioned your teenager is rude to her younger sibling when she is stressed, have you had an opportunity to have a chat with her and explore the source of her stress? I wonder if this may be an opportunity to teach your older child some coping skills for handling stress. The teenage years are full of new challenges, and kids often haven’t yet developed the resources to handle these situations well as they are very much still learning and growing. These skills are useful strategies that will benefit her throughout her life during challenging times.

I also hear that your younger child is mimicking her big sister. It is likely she considers big sister a role model and looks up to her, so copying this behavior, while undesirable, is very natural. I have a suspicion that if she sees her big sister practicing some positive coping skills, similarly, she may copy those too.

On our website we have some information on stress and effective coping skills in teenagers. Raising Children has an article on discipline strategies for teens. Maybe you could have a read over these and see if there are any helpful ideas that may work for your family?

[Insaaf]

Hi ,

Thanks for reply , I am looking into resources now and I am desperate for help now.

As i don't want this to be transferred to little one as well, as an adult i myself struggle with stress management but then being disrespectful is not an option at all for anyone .She has exam stress and every time she is studying or have an assessment she stop eating and talking to anyone until she finished her work , for example this morning she did not make Breakfast for herself and then when I handed over some lunch to her and some fruits she burst out and said I am not going to eat anything at school as well . The way she said was so disrespectful and I felt so bad. I feel like i need to setup some kind of boundaries so that she just doesn't say things abruptly when she is stressed.

I have a session booked next week with one of consultant so hope fully there will be some good strategies for me to adopt.

But for now, I am not sure when i go home tonight should i tell that how i felt about her bad behavior and give her some kind of consequences or should i just stay quiet for now. Also, I'm not sure what to tell little one should i ask her to don't disturb nig sister for now but then she keeps on asking me why my big sister is mean to me and why you never give any consequences to her.

With little one i normally block her screen time and she became better for some time but for big one I have no consequence. plan. for big one its mostly i give in more and more. Bear her tantrums and try to help her with everything. May be i need to step back from her for few days and tell her that her disrespect full behavior has bothered me a lot.

Regards 

[Shiv-RO]

Hi @Insaaf 

I hear that you are struggling right now and looking for solutions you can implement tonight. It's understandable you are feeling worried as you want to support both your children and it can be difficult to balance both their needs. Unfortunately, we are unable to give you direct advice on what to do or say. I wonder if you have ever reached out to Parentline for support? They are professional counsellors available over the phone until 9pm and can help talk through a parenting concern with you.

I am also concerned that you mention your daughter currently manages her stress by restricting her eating. Do you know how long she has been doing this? I wonder if it is worth having a discussion with her when she is less stressed about other coping mechanisms she could experiment with. This article has some suggestions on managing stress that may give you some ideas.

I hope you are able to also take the time tonight to do something nice for yourself as I hear you too are experiencing a great deal of stress. 

All the best.