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At a loss

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At a loss

My teen has always been my gentle giant, but this past 2 months he has spent 10 days suspended from school. His anger is increasing to the point he scares me now too. He was caught vaping (but told me it was a one time deal), I have found empty packets in his room and also vapes and he still tells me it was a once off. 

The last suspension he said he wished to live with his dad, which I am ok with if that is what he wants, but a call to his dad and the response I got was we need to talk about that. I must admit I lost it and told him to collect him now as this is what he wants. He did, and then accused me of kicking my son out (when I felt I just facilitated what the teen wanted).

My teen was told at all times he was welcome back when he was ready but the rules still apply. No vaping, nothing illegal, good behaviour and you must help with chores when asked (rules are the same for all of my kids). I tided his room, took out the trash and did his washing while he was gone, I discovered he has been drinking as I found empty bottles (but once again an excuse was given in that he just wanted to "clang the bottles together"). After this I told him he needs to make an appointment with a counsellor as I think it would be good for him to talk to a third party as he obviously has things going on but won't talk to me or his father.

One night at home and I wake to a txt msg "I thought things would be ok between us but no, you went and ruined it" this was in retaliation to me turning off our internet connection at bedtime which he had agreed to earlier (and I actually gave him an additional 30mins). Now I really don't know what to do. he obviously has no respect for anyone. I am at the point of sitting him down and telling him if he doesn't want my rules then so be it but he is responsible for feeding/clothing/cleaning himself. Is that unreasonable?



Re: At a loss

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Hi there @anon79 

I hope it was helpful to get this off your chest, as I can imagine this whole situation, from school suspension to pushing boundaries, has been pretty stressful for you. You sound like a proactive parent who wants the best for all your children, so finding vapes and alcohol bottles must have been a concern. 

It’s so tough to navigate the changes and emotions that come with teenhood. I’m curious to know if you have any close friends or family members you can lean on? 

It’s great to hear that you are suggesting counselling. It’s positive your son knows that he has the option to chat with a third party which I agree can be really helpful in these situations. 

I thought I’d share some resources that may support you with everything you’re going through, in case it’s something you’re interested in. 

We have a free one-on-one parent support service that you can sign up for here if you think that’ll be helpful. 

I’ve picked out a couple of our articles that may give you some ideas for approaching a conversation with your teen about house rules and boundaries. 

Feel free to let us know what you think of the support and information provided and if there’s anything else you think we could help you with.