Almost Stepson

[goingcrazy2021]

I literally can not stand my soon to be step son, I wish I didn't feel this way. I try to like him but I  just can't do it. I need to try and figure out ways to not feel so annoyed when he is around. I know this is going to sound horrible but I feel he is a lazy freeloader. He is 17 and now he lives with me, my 2 girls,  and his dad. He goes to his moms every other weekend and I can't wait but at the same time my kids go to their dads the same weekend so then I feel  crappy because I can't wait for that weekend just so he won't be around. My boyfriend  got custody of him and I dreaded it as soon as he  told me because I just knew it would be this way. It is so tense when he is around and my boyfriend and I fight about him all the time and it has really put a strain on our relationship. I try and talk to my boyfriend how I feel and it gets no where. He always makes excuses for him or says I'm working on it but I don't see a lot of that.  I feel my stepson is lazy, comes home from school , Walks right by the trash if its overflowing when that's his job to take out Goes straight to his room and locks the door to go to sleep or play video games. He only comes out to ask when dinner is, eats and goes straight back to room . When you ask him to do anything its an issue for him. leaves trash all over the house. Has no respect for other peoples things . He has a HUGE problem with lying about everything. We bought him a truck and he wrecked it after one month. Told his dad he would get a job and pay him back for the 300 ticket and the 400.00 tow expenses but hasn't even made an effort to get a job. Eats everything in the house snacks and all for my girls lunch stuff, He can have them as well but he has no consideration and eats it all. I have hidden stuff from him and I don't like doing that because it makes me look greedy and then my girls get mad because they see me hiding stuff and gets mad at him and says hes a pig , which he is but it doesn't help the situation. He asks like a baby to his dad and bull@%$^& him all the time and I see it which irritates me more. HELP I actaully considered breaking up with my boyfriend because his son makes me miserable . 

[Philippa-RO]

Hi @goingcrazy2021 and welcome to the forums - it takes a lot of courage to reach out for support.

For what it's worth, you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. 

It's not an easy thing to suddenly find yourself living with someone else's child who may have very different ways of doing things, or who may have been parented in very different ways to your own children. I think that's particularly challenging when added to what can be a fairly normal teenage reluctance to help around the house (speaking from personal experience! ) 

It can require a lot of adjustment and flexibility, and it's understandable that at times that can be frustrating - or even feel like too much. 

Do you have support for yourself or anyone you can talk and unload with?

Is something like couples counselling a possibility to talk things through with your partner with support from someone outside the situation?

I'm not sure if it's helpful, but our psychologist has responded to a similar post from another parent here in case you'd like to have a read. There's also some information on our website about blended families in case it's useful. 

We're also here any time you need to talk. 

[goingcrazy2021]

Thank you- Its a struggle . There are just not any consequences when he doesn't do what is asked of him. It gets brushed off , I will take your advice and read more information to help me , thank you. I just feel like if my boyfriend really cared how I felt he would see we fight about his son's lazy, rude, lying  behavior he would see there is a problem and try to fix it . I mean its not like he doesn't see it's upsetting for me. I know it could be wayyyyyy worse and that is what I tell myself but at the same time a 17 year old that shows no motivation to do ANYTHING and goes  to his room and goes to bed everyday because he's "tired" really sets me off when he doesn't do anything to be tired but go to school. Lies about applying for work just so his dad will think he is trying.... More lies and I can see right through him and all the crap he tells his dad I that makes me even madder . I will be like you know he's lying right? Then my boyfriend will be like just stop I am tired of hearing you complain about him all the time. I am on edge and tense all the time in my own house because they moved in with me. It's just not a great feeling . I am head over heels for my boyfriend and he wants to marry me but I am starting to resent him . When I tell him that it turns into my issue and I am uptight and need to learn to let it go. I don't know its a daily struggle that I can't deal with anymore.

[Janine-RO]

It sounds like a really challenging situation for all of you to navigate @goingcrazy2021 , I can hear how frustrated you are.  Philippa mentioned the idea of couples' counselling - I know that was something that I found really helpful when my partner and I transitioned into living together as a blended family. Sometimes it can be so valuable to have a safe space where you can talk through things with someone who's removed from the situation. 

I'm just curious, what's his relationship like with your daughters? Is there anything that they enjoy doing together? 

We're glad that you've been able to share a bit about what's happening for you here @goingcrazy2021 , it can feel really isolating when you're having a tough time at home .