Need help now?

Am I wrong? Why is this okay?

Discussion forum for parents in Australia


Am I wrong? Why is this okay?

We have 3 kids living at home. My 16yo and 13yo and his 22yo. My issue is the 22yo. He moved in from living with his mom. He is completely rude and disrespectful to his dad. His conversational ability in my opinion is that of a 13/15 year old. He sleeps all day long, wakes up on average maybe 4pm (might be 2pm one day 5pm another). Games all night long and comes down to eat anywhere between 1am and 330am. (I know this because I get woken up by pots/ pans and dishes banging around and need to still get up and go to work.
One instance He was woken up at 1030am and complained). Now, dont get me wrong...he will come down at around 6/7pm for his one chore of feeding 2 dogs once a day. Mostly comes down on his own accord but his dad still has to text him to remind him at times and does just sleep through the dogs dinner time here and there as well. Recently we went on vacation and had to get a dog sitter that we paid for because he can't be trusted to put in the effort to watch them. And my 16yr old who stayed with a friend had to come and let the dog out in the afternoon because he would be sleeping at that time. When his dad mentioned that we shouldn't have to pay someone he said "oh well!" This incident was the second time I had spoke up and voiced my opinion and basically said "no it's not oh well, it's bull**bleep**, we shouldn't have to pay anyone and I don't like how you talk to your dad either." (In which his dad did not stick up for me said absolutely nothing and felt bad for his son). The other time I spoke up was when his dad has been asking him to pay $150 towards groceries (which I think should be on top of paying rent...but he doesn't and that is another issue) He said ok at one point, but he went weeks and weeks with not paying. That is when I stepped and flat out asked "have you paid your dad yet" his answer "!" When he did finally pay, his mom took to the ATM and she texted his dad later to "confirm" that my money! Again, his dad did not stick up for me. He allowed both of the (who just use him for money) to think i was asking for the money to go in my pocket 

You are probably wondering at this point does he have a job. Yes. He drives around a mobile pet clinic on Saturday and Sunday. His dad has told him to get another job but his excuse is that he is too busy getting stuff done for an air traffic controller job he is suppose to be getting. Now mind you that was months and months and months ago and he had to take maybe total 5-7 days (one day here one day there) for testing and paperwork. But that is taking up too much time to work during the week. He's been in college here and there for the past couple years....which his dad pays for, and drives the car, that his dad paid for, with the insurance that his dad pays for and also got in an accident and used the health insurance that his dad pays for. I could go on.

His dad and I barely argued at all until he moved in. You might be wondering why I keep saying "his dad" well because I am just the girlfriend. We are not married for a number of reasons. We'll first I was kept a secret because he wasn't sure is then 15 and 18 year old could handle him dating someone. Might be too traumatic (he had not dated anyone in the 7 years after his divorce to their mom) Then after a year and a half of dating I got sick and tired of him being used by his ex and him paying her way more than just child support because she wouldn't get a job. I told him don't ask me to marry you unless you stop paying her more than she is suppose to get. Guess what he decided to do. Pay her more. And during that time I was paying ALL THE BILLS. Now yes he was saving up to buy a house but could have saved more and not have to borrow money from his parents if he wasn't shelling money out to her which she didn't deserve. And now I HIGHLY doubt we will be engaged anytime soon because of the fighting about him living here is causing (and on top of that i am currently contemplating on moving out). And it's not the fact he lives here, it is the free loading and does not help around the house at all, except the dishwasher being loaded here and there. But still has complained when the maids didn't come one week. Then there is little things like, he shoves his face with too much food then literally lays on the kitchen floor and moans and groans. And that has been multiple times. Interjects himself into conversations inappropriately. What this all boils down to is I think he either needs to move out or get a a full time job start paying rent and all his own bills. And his dad won't do it because he says he needs to build up to that. Build up to what!?

Tell me please. Am I being a **bleep** bag?
Should I have more patience? Willing to answer any questions?

Case in point- 13yo does chores around the house for money. And the recent vacation was a treat for her because she helped emmensely with 11 foster puppies. And almost all of the helped was not asked. now she does talk out ear off and can get annoying with that. But all in all a great kid
16yo. Does have a job. Currently hadn't worked for summer as she goes to her dad's. But typically works after school and on weekends. I take $50 from her pay to go towards her cell/expenses every pay. Now that will be adjusted from time to time depending on what she earns. Half of her pay goes to savings right off the bat.

I neededbto add this. Don't get me wrong. I love my BF dearly. He is a great guy. He is wonderful to my kids. He does everything for me in OUR relationship but when it comes to his kids and his ex just won't take my feelings into consideration. He tells me I'm right in what I say about all of them but won't do anything about it unhurried


Re: Am I wrong? Why is this okay?

Message contains a hyperlink

Hey @DK2690 , thank you for sharing your situation with us, we are really glad you have reached out for support. It sounds like it has been a challenging time for you having your partner's son move in. Sounds like it has been a very tough position to be in. I can hear that things have been taking a toll on your relationship with your partner, which makes things feel all the more difficult. Have you been able to talk with your partner about how this has been making you feel?

We want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way, we’ve had many posts on the forums about step-families sharing frustrations similar to yours. We had a psychologist respond to one of these posts in our Ask a Professional section, if you’re interested in having a read you can find it here. You may find some helpful tips. 

We have an article on our website about blended families here. The Raising Children’s Network also has a heap of articles on this too, have a look here if you’re interested. I wonder if any of these articles might be helpful to your situation?

I am also wondering with everything going on, do you have support for yourself? Is there someone you can talk with about this? Such as a counsellor or a trusted family member/friend? 

We appreciate you opening up about your feelings, it takes courage! We are here to support you. 

- I also just wanted to let you know that we have sent you an email.