New "Stepmom"

[Lonely]

Hello,

I am new to this whole step parent thing. I have a boyfriend who has an 11 year old son when i met him his child was 8 my boyfriend works out of town and is gone 5 days a week so they lived with his parents and they basically raised his son who he has full custody of because his mom is a drug user and a narcist   who only comes around when she wants to. Being raised by such people and bounced around most of his life he was not raised with any routine discipline or help for his disorders. His Grandmother labeled him with ADHD and he has an IEP at school however nothing was being done to help him grow with it and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. When meeting new people you don't actually know them until you live with them for about a year then all the stuff comes out of the closet plus we were only able to do family dating so never really forming a connection before we became a "family". They have now lived with me for 2 years and in such time we have had a child of our own that comes with its own set of challenges not only do i have to care for and raise our new baby but also for a very confused now 11 year old and take care of everything around the house (laundry, meals, renos, basement floods etc..  plus still part time working and running a family business plus doing it all though covid and my boyfriend needs me to make all his appointments and his schedule while he works 40 hrs a week in Toronto. 

I have gone to therapy and they say he needs to join if i want changes. He won't and he is a poor communicator. I have grown so much resentment for both him and his child i find myself hating my life. I won't leave him because i don't want to share custody of our child and have him in the unhealthy environment at his parents house (grandpa is a drug user and they both fight all the time) and the bad influence of his child will be on his half brother(i say half brothers because its the truth they don't have the same parents and i don't want them to be so close that it affects my son in a negative way, IE learning bad habits and hearing adult things to early in life they are 10 years apart). I also won't move his child again. That kid has been through to much. I may not give him the perfect home because i am stretched so thin and full of resentment however i am the only one in his life that advocates for him and guides him in a healthy direction to grow into an adult. 

I am stuck and no one in my world understands or is even compassionate to my situation. I am lost and alone the only good thing is that i have my little man who i love to the moon and back and would kill for if i needed to. Does anyone have any advice or kind words ?

[Emily-RO]

Thank you for sharing this with us @Lonely  

It sounds like what you are going through is very difficult at the moment and we're glad that you can talk about it here. I am sorry to hear about the situation and it sounds like a very difficult time for you and your family.

There are many members of our community that have been through similar experiences. You are not alone and we're glad that you're here. I want to say that it must be incredibly difficult to be fully present at work and at home with your boyfriend away so often. Your concerns around custody are also very valid and I’m glad that your son has such a caring parent. 

I want to check in and make sure that you are supported during this difficult time. Do you have any supports for yourself? (e.g. friends, other family or professional support). Would you be open to us exploring some options with you? There are some helplines for parents that may be supportive. They also may be able to give you some tips on how you may approach the situation with your boyfriend and your son.

Thank you again for sharing, Lonely. The community is here for you.