Step parenting - relationship breakdown

[Hurricane]

Hi, new to this site and referred here by a counselor.  I am a stepmum to a 12 yo girl.  Previously we have had a very close and loving relationship.  There are a number of behavioral issues with my SD, related to her bio mums lifestyle choices when pregnant through to age 8 and various partners.   To assist my SD, I have organised counselling, behavioral coaching, school holiday programs to help build resilience and keep friendships, psychology appointments, tutoring, the list goes on. 

As she has progressed during the pre teen years, the bad behaviour has been directed towards me.  Being rude, rolling eyes, being defiant, constantly lying about everything, playing one parent off against the others, being mean and I mean really vicious, lying to her father about things I have not said or done, yelling, full blown tantrums like a 2 year old, ignores you when you try and talk to her calmly about what happened and what could have been handled better.  It breaks my heart after I have tried so hard to help give her a better start than what she was given as a toddler.  (I have known her since the age of 4).  

We have my SD week on week off.  This is affecting my relationship with her dad.  

She makes friends easily but struggles to keep them as she treats friends like she has been treating me.  Is always in trouble at school for bullying, messing around in class etc.  She has no "real" friends to confide in.  Her relationship with her bio mum is strained and she gets thrown away when there is a new partner on the scene.  

We set boundaries, have routine and stability at this house.   It is not possible to ensure this happens on the off week.  There is no possibility of consistent parenting with my situation.  

Her dad is great and has a good relationship with her, however he is even struggling.   Taking away privileges has no consequence, she has no empathy for the things she does to people.  She always blames others and is the innocent bystander.  Never accepts responsibility for her own actions as hard as we try.   Believe me, we have tried hard.  I'm at breaking point and whilst I know it is not my sole responsibility to fix this not being the bio parent, I would gladly take any advice.   Other than run, which I am very close too.

Large post warning should have gone at the top.  Apologies.  

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Hurricane, welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I can hear that you have taken a lot of steps and accessed a lot of services to try and support your step daughter. Have any of them been helpful? Is she currently engaged with any services? At that age, it is common for teenagers to reject services which can create a lot of confusion and hurt for parents.

I am sorry to hear that you have been on the receiving end of her bad behaviour and are at the point where you feel like running from the situation. I imagine that this must be really upsetting and heart breaking for you, as you are doing your best to get through this. It is made difficult by the fact that her biological mother has a very different parenting style to you and your partner. I can tell that you are someone who is really kind and compassionate.

I am wondering if you access any services for yourself? I imagine this must begin to take it's toll on you. If you don't already, it might help to have your own support to be able to vent to and talk about strategies with. Are there any activities that you enjoy doing alone or as a family? It is important to try and make time for things that you enjoy when you are going through such a difficult journey. There is also a service called Parents Beyond Breakup which you might find useful, which supports parents experiencing trauma related to family breakdown and separation.

We are here to listen.