Your email struck a cord. My daughter also is lonely, finds it difficult to connect with other teens in a school environment. Due to an extreme anxiety condition, she hasn't been to high school for two years. We have a treatment team around us, but just one genuine friend would make a big difference. The problem is, teens are undergoing extreme changes in physiology, technology, learning and relationships within a school system that is anything but flexible or tailored towards individuals. The school my daughter attended was ill equipped to deal with my girl's anxiety triggers and before we knew it, she was too behind and cut off from friendships that it became a toxic environment. I don't regret 'pulling the plug' on that school. I see now there are many different ways for her to gain an education without being made to suffer that intensely for it. Some of our kids are not built for this mold. My other kids did well at high school, but, high school is full of teenagers. Let's be honest here, they can be up and down, mixed up, volatile, reactionary and thoughtless. For some teens, struggling already, it's a toxic environment which can tip them from coping one minute to utter despair the next. There are schools out there, and services available that can help and support your son's continued education. But look very carefully at your school now. Right now. How long and how many phone calls does it take for the Principle to see you for an extended appointment? Does he listen? Does he ask you how he/ she can help? Does he have a list of services he can call on to support your sons continued and successful education? Often, individual teachers are amazing, but if they are not supported by the principle, there is little they can do. The Principle sets the school's tone. If your child is important to him, he will be important to all the staff. My girl was not, she was an annoyance, a blip, an anomaly. His response to her panic attacks was to call ambulances and have her carted off to hospital, or have office staff call me to collect her. Look for a school that has lunchtime clubs, often friendships are easier for our kids to form if the activities provide shared interests. A bit of struggle in teenagerhood creates resilience, I'm all for that. It needs to be balanced with concern that at such an age, your son is not overwhelmed. Historically, teens were already set by age 14 into a role, my father was an apprentice to a boilermaker, my mother was working a dairy farm with her father, taking her siblings to school, then entered nursing to be put on wards, not in a classroom like we do now. I think our kids are too much in their heads, forced to interact for extended periods of time in a competitive environment almost entirely of an intellectual nature. No wonder some kids are overwhelmed. Not because they are weaker, unintelligent, have learning difficulties, family problems or whatever. But because high school is an artificial construct that subscribes to one size fits all. And if it doesn't fit? Then it's our kids that are broken? Teenage boy's brains Keep changing and developing into their twenties, yet they are expected to have a persona to project in school, to fit in, be part of the pack. Differences are not rewarded, not by most of the student body. Most teens just want to make it through the day at school with out something embarrassing happening. So, my advice, balance. An interest outside and away from school .fun but not competitive. To remind him that school is not real life. Contact MIND, which has real face to face groups and activities for both him and you. Find out what resources are available to your son through school, maybe contact an educational psychologist for an assessment. Check out other schools, consider TAFE, look for camps for teens during school holidays that build social connections with like minded teens. Give him one on one time with you once a week, scheduled in, do something that interests you both, that he would find difficult to approach without you by his side. Have you ever climbed a wall at a rock climbing Centre? Would your son enjoy seeing his dad trying something out of his comfort zone? I'm planning to take my girl horse riding, knowing it's going to kill my back, and that a middle aged, nervous, unbalanced women is going to make the experience for her memorable, not because her anxiety will cripple her, but because she will be so engaged with the ridiculousness of my situation, she will have her energies set on 'getting Mum back alive' Its giving her a memory and an achievement in one. I hope it reminds her to focus on good times, to balance out the bad. Mostly, remember, extraordinary people, the movers and shakers, cultural leaders, quiet, dedicated people who change the world for the better, they were our kids, our misfits, who didn't fit the mold. It's ok to be different, it's a blessing for humanity that these kids don't follow the herd. Churchill sufferered from depression all his life, Bill Gates changed the way we interact with the world, spends billions of dollars of his and others money to eradicate malaria, you can bet he was the biggest nerd in high school, and there are plenty of more identifiable people who achieve much despite high school not because of. Do your research. He may not see a future because he does not identify with the teens around him. Show him the world needs people just like him. Sit down and watch the recent documentary on Tony Robbins, an extraordinary man who hid who he was in high school, and has achieved amazing success and personal satisfaction in his private life. Simply because he was different and used his non herd gifts in an unusual and extraordinary way. I'm not a fan, nor have I read his books or listened to his podcasts. But wow, the doco was riveting. Love from mum and dad is great, but extraordinary kids do need some extra help sometimes, until they are ready to 'take it from here' look for outside help, build a team around your boy, provide him opportunities to make decisions about what's best for him, be prepared to accompany your extraordinary boy through an extraordinary life.
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